Do film remakes get a bad rap? Yes. Is it completely unwarranted? No, not completely. This is a bit of a complex issue, because remakes, as a premise, are not bad, at all. They’re not all that new, either. Plays have been “remade” for hundreds of years, except it’s called a “revival”. That does sound nicer, doesn’t it? People look at “remake” and see destruction and carnage, but you look at “revival” and can’t help buy feel it’s a good thing. Even films have been “remade” ever since films have began being made. The earliest remake is Cecil B. DeMille’s 1918 film The Squaw Man, which is a remake of DeMille’s own 1914 of the same name. The practice has continued ever since, so this isn’t a recent phenomenon by any means. Like sequels, however, recent years have seen the frequency of remakes increase dramatically. In response to this trend, we’ve come up with a list of films we would like to see get the remake treatment.
5. The Good Earth
There’s a good chance you may not have heard of this film, and that’s a real shame. The Good Earth is an award-winning 1937 film starring Paul Muni. It’s based on the Pulizer Prize-winning novel of the same name. It tells the story of a village in antebellum China prior to World War II. Why should it be remade? Unfortunately, the Hays Code and anti-miscegenation laws ultimately resulted in the cast being largely made up of white actors playing Chinese roles, and it would just be nice to see a more authentic adaptation of the book. On top of that, it carries a pretty strong message of what desperation, hunger, and penury can cause a person to do; that would seem to be a timely subject matter. Imagine this directed by the Coen brothers.
Another film based on a novel, but this is a drastically different circumstance; Dune is a bad movie. Not only is Dune a bad movie, but Dune has Sting in it. It would be irredeemable, if not for the fact that its source material is absolutely freaking incredible. There is simply no way we can allow such a great book series to forever be represented by the film equivalent of an air sickness bag. There have been two miniseries that are better than the film, but there’s a great movie waiting in there; we refuse to believe this is a problem for which there is no answer! Even though Frank Herbert, the book’s author, spoke positively about the film, I have to think he was just being nice, or maybe he was mystified by Sting’s fancy, winged crotch.
3. The Last Starfighter
In 1984, CGI was not heavily in use, but that didn’t stop The Last Starfighter. Being at the forefront of new technology has its drawbacks, though, as The Last Starfighter’s less than stellar CGI can attest to. Other than that, Starfighter is a great movie, with a unique premise: a teenager becomes so good at an arcade game that aliens invite him to be an actual starfighter. What kid doesn’t watch that and dream of the possibilities? That’s why this needs to be remade, because kids would still have that reaction; the same reaction every kid has had to The Last Starfighter, since its release. And think of the marketing possibilities; you make an actual game and have actual kids compete to actually come be an actual starfighter in sequel you know you’re going to make because the remake is obviously going to be balls-out popular. It beats the hell out of that dude who has played Donkey Kong, repeatedly, for decades; Dude, you’ve had the high score for a while; Mario is not going to ask you to come be an actual jumpman.
2. Lethal Weapon
Admittedly, this is not a series that’s really dying to be rebooted; I mean, Mel Gibson’s image has pretty much put a damper on anything he’s ever touched. However, this is at number 2 on our list, so there must be a pretty good reason; there is, and his name is Donald Glover. Now, hear us out. We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking the only reason we want to see this is because Donald Glover’s name is similar to Danny Glover’s name. Well, don’t you feel silly? Because that is not the only reason. It’s also because we really like Donald Glover. Alright, those are all of the reasons, but we think that’s still pretty compelling; that’s more reason than can be found behind most remakes. If this was to happen, we’ve picked Chris Pine to play Martin Riggs, Mel Gibson’s character. That’s… um… mainly just because we like Chris Pine. Hey, we’re easy, sometimes.
That’s right, dickless. We are arguing against Ghostbusters 3. That may seem counterintuitive, but it really isn’t. For years, Ghostbusters 3 has been in development hell, with Bill Murray being the main thing holding it up. Frankly, without Bill Murray, there should be no Ghostbusters 3; it just would not be right, and he can be the one who stops it because he’s Bill Fucking Murray, that’s why. That would not, honestly, be the case, if we thought a Ghostbusters 3 seemed like a good idea. Would we see Ghostbusters 3? Absolutely, but the more pressing question is “Would it be any good?” That is not such an easy question to answer, and we’re leaning more toward it not being good, like, at all. A remake, on the other hand, could be just what the Dr. Venkman ordered. There are plenty of young actors out there who could handle a role in that remake… like Donald Glover, for instance. He’s all over the place these days.