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5 Reasons I Won’t Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

We all want to survive a zombie apocalypse. We all think we can. But people can’t always do what they want and if you’re honest with yourselves up front, you’d be setting yourselves up for a lot less disappointment. And a lot less unnecessary movement.

 Zombie Apocalypse



I used to be quick. I used to be athletic. When I was a kid, whenever I played football with the boys, they’d make me the person who runs the ball because I was fast and could outrun all of them. But then I gots the ashtma. Not that you have to run fast to escape a zombie, but I can’t run very far without my lungs shutting that shit down. A few steps and they’re like, “Bitch, no.”


No Attention Span

Seriously. My most often used phrase (besides frequently shouting out, “Come for me, G’mork!”) is, “Wait, what was I doing?” My brain wanders so much and I’m so easily distracted that I can never remember what I’m doing or where I’m going.


Crap, I forgot to board up the windows- ooooh, I wonder who's going home on The Bachelorette.

Crap, I forgot to board up the windows- ooooh, I wonder who’s going home on The Bachelorette.


No Follow Through

I could probably come up with a few great apocalypse plans. In fact, I have. And I’m not sharing them with you, so don’t ask. I always have great ideas, but my problem is follow through. I know myself. I’ll get all set up for this apocalypse plan and then I’ll get tired before it even starts and sit down and watch Law and Order: SVU reruns instead until they come eat my brains.

Lack of Cooperation

Surviving a war of any kind requires more than one person. Zombie slaying is a co-op endeavor. I know some people who make planning a group trip to the movies a complicated endeavor, so I don’t hold any hopes for them coming through reliably on something on this big of a scale. Also, the person who has the chainsaw will probably just show up late. And forget the chainsaw.


I’m pretty lazy. There’s probably a 75% chance that I’ll look a zombie in his bloody eyeball and say, “You know what… It’s hot outside and I don’t want to stand up. Do what you gotta do.”

 Zombie Lazy


About Patti Matteucci (265 Articles)
Patti Matteucci plays in an imaginary band in Illinois where she rocks the mic like a vandal while simultaneously cooking MCs like a pound of bacon. She is into most nerdy things but doesn’t excel enough in any to be labeled a nerd. One of her top skillz is scouring the internet for recipes, printing out a big pile, and then throwing them away before ever trying them when she remembers that you can have food made and delivered to your front door by somebody else. She is a 14 year old trapped inside a 33 year old’s body (or maybe also a 14 year old’s body) with an unabashed love for Justin Bieber and far too much time spent marrying celebrities in Sims 3.
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2 Comments on 5 Reasons I Won’t Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

  1. #1 downfall = my car. If I don’t lose the fear of stealing someone else’s vehicle when the dead start to walk – my V6 Mom-mobile (read: Slowpoke gas guzzler) will be the death of me.

  2. The fact that ‘asthma’ is #1 on this list just made me fall more in love with you.

    Yeah, I have a thing for asthmatics.

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