It’s October, and that means Halloween is about to go down–the same can be said of inhibitions, at least when it comes to costumes. That’s really what Halloween is about for adults. Sure, the candy is always important, and I guess kids and their joy, or whatever. Beyond those things, though, are the costumes, and it seems more “adult” they are, the better. “But where, VaginaCon, am I supposed to get costume ideas?” Well, figurative reader, never you fret, for we have you covered. It just so happens that we’ve put together this dandy list of five costume ideas for you to sexify the holiday; as an added bonus, we’ve limited our suggestions to the five sexiest cartoon women.
No, Jessica Rabbit is not on this list. Yes, she is the sexiest cartoon woman, but we refuse to create yet another list of sexiest female cartoon characters with her on top; it’s time for her to let someone else be on top for awhile. Euphemisms are fun.
5. Aeon Flux
Aeon Flux is a leather-clad assassin, who just happens to also be skilled in acrobatics. Yes, she is quite adept at handling firearms, kicking ass, and is also very flexible. Her life is one of masochistic endeavors in a technocratic dystopia of rampant fetishism and domination that would make David Cronenberg cream his panties. The series is one of raw sexuality and its anti-heroine perfectly represents that. Twins could have even more fun using this costume, considering the various things Aeon Flux does with her clones. That’s right; there’s more than one of her.
4. Esmeralda, from The Hunchback of Notre Dame
An olive-skinned, brunette gypsy, with a kind heart and the voice of Demi Moore. What else could you ask for? Oh, for her to somehow find a way to fall in love with a deformed hunchback who lives an isolated life inside a cathedral? Well, she has that thing, too. Utilizing this one for a costume could be pretty tricky, unless you happen to know a deformed hunchback that you can drag with you.
3. Lana Kane, from Archer
Aisha Tyler. Enough said.
But, I suppose we should say a little more, for posterity. Lana is a sexy, submachine gun-carrying secret agent who can beat you down with either her proficiency in Krav Maga or her devilishly sharp-tongued wit. For some reason, “devilishly sharp-tongued wit” seems like it should be a euphemism, but it isn’t… or is it? This one is the perfect costume for hot ladies with Truckosaurus hands, or anyone who just wants to take a candy-grabbing stroll through THE DANGER ZONE.
2. Foxxy Love, from Drawn Together
Drawn Together is a show not for the easily offended; it has racism, sexism, crude language, animated nudity, and… wait animated nudity? That’s kind of cheating, when you’re considering “sexiest” cartoon characters, but you can google any of these characters and find nude pictures of them (allegedly), so it‘s not that big of a deal; it‘s not like Foxxy‘s boobs are on any Lance Armstrong steroids, or anything. The important thing here, though, is the way she looks when clothed, since this is supposed to be a list of costume recommendations, after all, and we certainly aren’t going to suggest any of you go trick-or-treating in the nude… that’s not an official suggestion, at least. One of the signature features of this costume would be the hat with little fox ears. Come on; you have to admit that’s sexy. Foxxy Love has a distinctively raspy voice, too, and you’d really have to include that, if you want to be in the video–err, um, if you want to wear this costume. Nice save.
1. Amy Wong, from Futurama
Amy Wong is a Chinese Martian who lives in a constant state of laundry day, with her wardrobe that consists almost entirely of two-piece, pink sweat suits. As if that isn’t reason enough to love this costume idea, your night out as Amy Wong will also consist of spouting mouthfuls of Martian slang interlaced with Chinese gibberish and swear words. “Trick or spleesh! Milk Duds? Da say nay!” She’s kind of like Cassandra from Wayne’s World. But wait! There’s more! You get to dress your boyfriend/husband/Smizmar/male acquaintance/stranger you met on the street as Kif Kroker, and isn’t forcing your loved ones to wear ridiculous costumes and makeup really what the spirit of Halloween is really all about?