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American Horror Story: Coven – S3E11 – Protect the Coven

Previously, on American Horror Story: Coven: “The Magical Delights of Stevie Nicks

All righty. So not only are Fiona and Marie teaming up, but I got some Twitter love last week for my recaps, so I am AMPED UP for this week’s AHS: Coven. If it’s anything like last week, I will be a happy camper.

We open on a flashback of Delphine ordering slave boys around her plantation. Her daughter chases down a chicken and a slave boy wrangles him up for her. Delphine orders her to chop its head off but the girl can’t. Delphine snatches the cleaver away and does it herself. I don’t know much about farms, but that chicken was calm as hell. She held its little feet with one hand and just sliced that head right off. Blood squirts all over the place and Delphine lets it coat her fingers. The chicken just lays there, all dead. But isn’t the phrase “running around like a chicken with its head cut off”? Cuz this chicken isn’t going anywhere.

A slave boy is screaming and Delphine storms in. He’s injured himself somehow and blood is gushing from a wound. Delphine decides it’s as good a hole as any to dip her nasty dead chicken fingers into. She lifts her blood coated hands and – oh good lord, please do not lick them. For the love of all things holy do not lick those fingers. Her daughter interrupts her and she sends her away to cook the chicken. Once the daughter is gone, Delphine offers the slave boy a rag to “tie up” his wound. I am no doctor, but I’m thinking he needs more than that, but all right.

As he’s preparing to make the world’s most pitiful tourniquet, she bashes him over the head. Cut to him bound and gagged, shirtless, abs of steel covered in blood. Delphine admires his mangled body, splatters of blood all over her apron and declares, “I think I’m gonna like it here.” She’s such a sick individual. I’ve missed her.

American Horror Story: Coven | Marie

Back in present day, the Coven is having a burial for Nan. Marie is wearing the world’s largest earrings and looking fabulous, though not at all distraught over Nan’s death. Myrtle says it’s a shame Misty isn’t there to bring her back. I say let a character die for once! Oh, and Misty is probably in that crypt right behind you. But anyway, a car arrives and Queenie steps out, leading Delphine on a leash. Not sure how she managed to survive that gunshot wound without hospital attention or how Delphine’s head is suddenly reattached, but all right I’ll run with it.

Marie saunters over and asks Queenie for a hug, but Delphine spits in her face saying, “that’s for dismembering me.” Marie slaps her across the face for “coming back.” Marie has all the good lines, I swear. She chastises Queenie for not throwing away Marie’s head as instructed. Zoe points out the lovely job Queenie did on sewing Delphine back together. Kyle (where the hell has this guy been?) admires her handiwork – no scars. Not to mention, all the correct pieces. Cordelia declares the only thing that matters is that she’s safe. Fiona reminds her that no one is safe. Uh, yeah Cordelia. Hello, there’s that “Papa” guy with the freaky yellow eyes and the witch hunters who are determined to kill you. You are not safe. Why does this girl talk? With each episode I disike her more.

At DelPhi, Harry is told that Hank’s shooting will be covered up as a veteran with PTSD. He moans and groans that his chid will have no eulogy. Boo friggin’ hoo. He thinks Hank’s act was the result of a spell. He wants to pay the witches to get the government off of his back and once his company is in good standing again, the witches will pay him back “with their lives.” Yeah, I’m thinking that’s not a real solid plan, dude. Not one of these women has spent a moment at a job and don’t seem real money hungry. They want you dead, not a new Mazerati. But you go ahead and try it. Can’t wait to hear what Fiona says.

Delphine is grumbling about how she was once the daughter of two prominent members of New Orleans society while she’s giving a mani and a pedi to Fiona and Marie. Fiona is on the phone setting the meeting with The DelPhi Trust. Marie says they’re going to try to kill them. Fiona says she’s counting on it.

Delphine drones on about how she was an unhappy child and we get a shot of Kyle, Zoe, and Madison all curled up in a twin bed. I swear, only AHS could make a threesome so sickening. Delphine is still whining about her dysfunctional childhood where she dismembered animals just to see what would happen. She tells Madison that she left her “dirt” in the toilet and to flush it. Madison tell her to flush it. Damn, that’s nasty. I know Madison was trying to send a message, but how are you gonna just stand there plucking your eyebrows with a bowl full of poop right there? And isn’t she half dead? How is she even pooping?

But oh man. It cuts to a bowl of what I am certain contains some of the unflushed poop, and Myrtle raves over it. Everyone spoons it up, and I am almost positive they’re eating Madison’s shit. Judging by the look on Delphine’s face, I’m right. Even though I already saw this exact setup in The Help it is no less disgusting here. Blech.

Marie hands Delphine the baby and tells her to clean him up. Which I think is a mistake because she’s really just giving Delphine more ingredients for the soup. But then she goes on about how she’s going to finish what she started and cut Delphine up into tiny pieces. And I think she says, “WHO DAT”, which I thought was, like, a Drew Brees thing? But I guess it’s a New Orleans thing. But it just made me sad that my Saints lost this past weekend.

Anyway, Delphine whips out a batch of freshly baked biscuits and Myrtle happily takes one before walking over to Cordelia who is whispering to a blender. This girl. She needs to go. Cordelia drinks a cup of green mush claiming she thinks it will bring her Sight back. Oh let it go, Cordelia. You’ll still be useless.

A black man (James) comes in trailing drops of blood. Says he hurt himself while gardening. Delphine’s eyes bulge and homegirl looks hungry. She tells Cordelia she’ll take care of James’ injury and like the idiot she is, Cordelia lets her. Cut to the attic full of creepy ass dolls and poor James is bound and gagged. Delphine has his foot in her lap (and oh man could it use a pedicure) and some pruning shears in her hand. He’s wriggling around as she talks about her fascination with body parts. I think she did this exact scene in Misery and I am not anxious to see that again. But I took one for the team and I did not fast forward. Granted, I did not watch, but I did listen as she played “this little piggy” with his toes before chopping one off. Like I said, I did not see it. But that sure as hell sounded juicy.

American Horror Story: Coven | Zoe and Kyle

Zoe is having a seance over the tub and Fiona’s face appears in the water. See, it’s that easy to find out who killed someone. So you can go away Cordelia. Even if you get your sight back, we do not need you. Kyle crawls over as Marie’s face also appears in the water. Madison storms in and asks if they’re having a romantic bubble bath. Zoe says she was trying to find out what happened to Nan. Madison could not care less. Zoe storms off saying they should’ve let her rot. Harsh words for someone you were literally just sleeping with. This girl has absolutly zero standards.

Madison accuses Zoe of falling in love with Kyle, she denies it. So Madison decides she’ll just casually give him a little blow job since it won’t bother Zoe. But Kyle pushes Madison away because now he loves Zoe. Madison is not happy. She starts breaking mirrors and moving furniture and launches a lamp at the back of Zoe’s head. Myrtle storms in and chastises Madison. Madison calls her Carrot Top (which is long overdue…how has no one told her that hair is just NOT okay?) and says that as the next Supreme she’s going to start a revolution. She tells Kyle that putting him together was fun but it will be even more fun to take him apart.

Mmm…I’m not buying it. Whether it’s the dialogue or her delivery, it’s just lacking. She just comes off as bratty and insolent. But she’s working with the great Jessica Lange and Angela Bassett. In time and with practice she may be able to pull off a true powerful bitch. For now, she’s just annoying.

Fiona is with sax man and he’s talking about some farm house he wants to take her to to spend the rest of their days. Okay, first of all, does Fiona at all seem like the type of woman who lives on a damn farm? Second of all, isn’t this man a ghost? How is she having sex with him? I’m confused. He wants to kill off the next Supreme, whoever she is, and then they can hang their hats. No more coven, no more axe. They can live normal lives. No, dude, Fiona is not meant for normalcy. Or your farm. It’s like he doesn’t know her at all. She gets up and kisses him and says “it’s a deal” but he has to do one little thing for her. Oooh buddy, it’s gonna be one hell of a “little thing.”

Delphine is in the attic with James’ blood smeared across her cheek. The old butler pops up in the rocking chair. Good Lord, absolutely nobody on this show stays dead! He tells her he’s been there all along. She gestures to James whose insides are now on the outside (yipes! that was graphic!) and says she can explain. Yeah, no, there’s really no valid reason for doing that to someone. She says she thought she’d found her purpose, or at least a hobby, but all she really did was make a mess. Lady, if your purpose is to explore the insides of the human body, try Googling it and leave the innards of innocent black men out of it!

The butler tells Delphine she can find her release if she just kills Marie. Delphine reminds him that Marie is immortal and she can’t die. The butler tells her magic that’s given can be taken away. He will give Delphine what she needs to kill Marie if she’ll do him one favor. He wants her to retrive an item – an expensive one. If this guy can’t go get this thing himself, how is he going to give Delphine what she needs to kill an immortal? An immortal Angela Bassett cuz you know she’s not going down easy. But Delphine seems to be buying into it. There are a lot of favors going around.

Cordelia enters what was Queenie’s room and says they should talk. Queenie is upset they gave her room away. Cordelia points out that Queenie had gone to join their enemy. Queenie points out that Cordelia’s husband tried to kill her. Yeah, well, you were on the wrong side. Had you been at home with the coven, you’d have been safe. But instead of pointing out the obvious Cordelia just cries and tries to apologize. Queenie ain’t having it. Cordelia asks how she survived, Queenie tells her she’s the one who killed Hank and then coughed out the bullet. Cordelia is so impressed with the regurgitated silver bullet that she bypasses the whole “Queenie killed your husband” thing. And now Queenie thinks she’s the next Supreme. Cordelia says her “eyes are open” and she’s going to prove it. Uh, how? And what does that even mean? Queenie is quick to point out how weak and useless Cordelia actually is and then kicks her out. Cordelia runs away crying, but hey, it needed to be said.

Cordelia is in her greenhouse playing around with some plants. Unless these things are gonna help this chick grow a pair, she really shouldn’t even bother. She dips her fingers in some solution and then rubs it around her eyes and then, oh what a surprise, she cries. And then, oh God, she picks up a knife and stabs herself in one eye, and then the other. And I am not at all botthered by it. Huh.

Fiona rushes up the stairs and Myrtle tells her that Cordelia is resting. When Fiona asks why Cordelia took out her own eyes, Myrtle calls Cordelia a “hero.” I’m not following. The word I would have used is “stupid.” Myrtle says Cordelia ripped her eyes out to protect the coven, but I still don’t know how. Somehow, having her second Sight back was supposed to help them? No need, just light a candle over a bathtub. It worked for Zoe. Fiona says she’ll be back, she just needs a drink to steady her nerves. If Cordelia is back to those freaky milky white eyes, I’m gonna need a drink, too.

Delphine has brought the butler what he requested. He tears open the box and reveals some fancy doll. Delphine says a grown man taking such excitement in a doll baby is “unsavory.” That’s one way to put it, let’s just go with that. Delphine demands her payment and the butler whips out a basket with Benadryl in it. Seriously? BENADRYL will render Marie mortal? But as Delphine starts to read the label, the butler cuts her off and tells her it is so powerful she must never speak its name. Delphine presses the medicine to her chest like it’s some sacred treasure and I just bust out laughing. This butler might have a nasty fetish with those dolls, but that is just funny.

In the greenhouse, Myrtle is playing that weirdo instrument and Zoe walks in. Myrtle hands her a small case and says it’s a gift, but don’t open it: the craftsmanship will blind her. It’s some jeweled harvester ant and Zoe is as confused as I am what the point of it is. Myrtle says to pawn it in case of emergency. Zoe says she has no idea what she’s taking about. Myrtle says that Zoe and Kyle are leaving the coven. Zoe says she loves Kyle, but that she’s not leaving. Myrtle waxes on about a wrap dress and then tells Zoe that if she stays, she’ll be in danger. Zoe declares she can handle Madison, Myrtle tells her to leave anyway because she has a boy who loves her. Zoe calls him damaged goods and Myrtle slaps her across the face for being so ungrateful. Yeah, how dare you want a boy who’s actually, I don’t know, alive or made up of his own parts? Myrtle presses her more and Zoe finally agrees and gives Myrtle a hug.

At DelPhi, the men file into a conference room and then Fiona and Marie waltz in saying they can’t stay long, Emeril has a tasting for them that evening. They sit down at the table and are asked where their security is, or if they’d like to check for weapons. Fiona just laughs – like they’re worried about guns – and orders a martini. Harry tries to begin the negotiations and Marie cuts him off calling him “white devil.” That’s pretty accurate, actually.

Harry says they will compensate Marie for the damage done to her shop and asks them to stop the attack on his company. Thousands of innocent people are out of a job. Yeah, well, thanks to your son, dozens of innocent people are out of lives, so they’re pretty even. He then says the war is a “thing of the past.” The shooting his son did was pretty recent, so yeah, that’s not true. He whips out a contract for a hundred year truce and says they give up. Fiona counters saying they must disband their organization, oh and throw in a private jet for Marie. The offer is declined, so Fiona offers them one more: death.

Axe man whips around and starts hacking them up one by one until only Harry remains. He tells Marie that killing them won’t end the war and she says maybe not, but it’ll be so much fun watching it happen.  See?  She gets all the good lines! Marie clinks her glass against his and then Fiona hacks him in the neck with an axe. And this man actually puts a hand over the gushing blood. Yeah, that’ll help. Once he’s good and dead, Marie snaps a picture for her Instagram. #mamaijustkilledaman

American Horror Story: Coven | Fiona and Marie

Back at the house, Marie and Fiona toast to a lifelong friendship and then Fiona leaves to “reward her man.” Murdering is such a turn on. Delphine brings a drink up to Marie’s room and then casually stabs a butcher knife into Marie’s heart. She had a lot of trust in that Benadryl. Marie is pissed. She takes the knife out of her chest and screams at Delphine. Delphine tosses the Benadryl onto the bed and Marie points out that it’s just allergy medicine. Delphine scampers away and a pissed off Marie is at her heels. At the top of the stairs, the butler whacks her on the back of the head with one of his dolls. Delphine asks if she’s dead, the butler says no, she can’t die. But go bury her somewhere she can’t get out and hey, problem solved. He then retreats to the attic to put on a bonnet and play some creepy ass music box music. And oh no, he has the little black baby. Delphine is, like, the worst babysitter ever. The baby starts to cry, cuz it knows. Babies always know.

American Horror Story: Coven | Delphine

Zoe is packing up to leave but Kyle says he’s not going. He’s afraid of himself. He doesn’t want to hurt her or anyone else. She tells him she’s not scared of him. She has a lethal vagina, she shouldn’t be scared of any man. She tells him to pack; he still refuses. She uses her feminine wiles, and he caves. They pack up and skip away, hand in hand, and onto the Greyhound headed to Orlando. Cuz there is no bad time to take a trip to Disney World.

The episode for me was not a favorite, but it was far from a least favorite. I’m tiring of Cordelia (could ya tell?), the Zoe storyline is weak, and there are some holes I can’t ignore. But I feel like we’re reaching a culmination of events, and I look forward to what’s next. Hopefully it’s less Cordelia, no more trite Madison tantrums, and more of the Fiona and Marie magic I love so much.

Until then…

About Maya Maldonado (43 Articles)
Maya Maldanado is the author of the Lust (The Immortal Shadows Trilogy).

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