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American Horror Story: Coven – S3E13 – The Seven Wonders

Previously on American Horror Story: Coven,Go To Hell’

I have to start this by saying 2 things:

1) I feel like this season finale came way too soon. Or maybe it took too long. There were some amazing moments, but for me, the season’s primarily been build up, backstory, and filler. Whatever happens in tonight’s episode, I feel like we were just getting started and I’m not ready to say goodbye.

2) I am not happy about an episode that lacks both Angela Bassett AND Jessica Lange. They are, hands down, the best parts of this show and it was never better than when they shared the screen. That being said, let the final AHS: Coven recap begin.

The episode opens up with a little Stevie Nicks. I think she’s wearing Papa’s hat, not sure. But she’s clearly filming a music video in the coven’s house. Misty is twirling, Myrtle is Myrtle, Zoe is reading, Madison’s bathing, and Queenie is playing jacks with a picture of Nan. Stevie wishes the girls luck as they line up at the bottom of the stairs and exits stage right. Um, okay. We’re about to have the showdown this entire season has been building towards and that’s all I get?  The credit reel is more powerful than that and it has no dialogue.  But anyway…

Coven Finale with Stevie Nicks

Myrtle is dishing up some caviar for their “last supper” before they find out who the next Supreme is. Cordelia and her freaky ass eyes are yammering on about how Fiona not only didn’t identify the next Supreme, she tried to kill her.  Since that’s never happened before, they’re going to give each girl a chance to prove she is the next Supreme. Yeah, lady, I know, get on with it. I’m not ready for the season to be over, but I am so over Cordelia. She stands to make a toast and tells the girls that “childhood is over” and to “kick ass tomorrow.”  I think she’s confusing this with the Super Bowl. One of them IS the next Supreme and the other three are not, and no ass kicking is going to change whoever the Supreme actually is. Oh, Cordelia, darling, do shut up.

AHS Coven S3E13 Cordelia

And so the trials begin, starting with Myrtle’s favorite: telekinesis. Kyle lights a candle in front of each girl and Misty proclaims she can’t do it. Madison says she can head back to the swamp. So Misty is up first (for no apparent reason, she’s standing in the middle and just said she didn’t want to) and struggles a bit but eventually the candlestick slides across the table to her.  Cordelia says it’s not about wanting it, you either are or you aren’t the Supreme. Which proves my point that her “kick ass” speech was completely useless. Queenie, Madison and Zoe summon the candlesticks with no issue.

Next up is mind control. I hope one of them forces Myrtle to grab a flat iron. Misty stares down Queenie and forces her to slap herself in the face a couple times. It’s lovely. Queenie forces Misty to yank her hair really hard. Weak. Madison not only forces Zoe to slap herself, she forces Kyle to kiss her and then lick her boot. Kyle immediately jumps up and kisses Zoe – who doesn’t like a little shoe dirt in their makeout sessions? – and Madison makes Kyle start to choke Zoe. Cordelia says that’s enough and the little game stops. Damn, that was the most interesting part of the episode so far. This girl ruins everything. And then they move on to the next trial even though Zoe hasn’t done this one yet. Anyone else notice that?

Descent into the nether world is the next challenge. Myrtle says it will be easy to get there, it’s getting back that’s the problem. If the soul doesn’t return to the body by sunrise, they’re dead. They lie head to head in an “X” and begin chanting. Queenie is back at Chubbie’s (and I really want some fried chicken now) and then is right back at the coven house.  Madison is next to return, saying her hell was being Liesl on a live network remake of The Sound of Music. (Turns out she wasn’t – I googled it.  I did not watch this live special but I hear it was hell for most who did.)

AHS Coven S3E13 Descensum

Zoe comes back next from her hell where Kyle broke up with her over and over. She better not be the next Supreme because any witch with that sort of power should have more going on in life than her zombie boyfriend. Disgraceful.

AHS Coven S3E13 Kyle and Zoe

She asks if they’re all back, but Misty is not yet. She’s probably stuck somewhere that Stevie Nicks music doesn’t play. Turns out she’s back in high school having brought her dissection frog back to life. Her sick teacher forces her to kill the frog and she just brings it right back to life. And it happens again. And again.And again. And she keeps screaming and honestly, it’s pretty horrifying.

The sun has come up, time is up, but she’s not back yet. Cordelia wants to help her, Myrtle says they have to let her come back on her own. Cordelia begs Misty to follow her voice, and I beg her too, cuz the second she comes back Cordelia will shut the hell up.  But she doesn’t come back. Her body distintegrates into black dust. That’s too bad. I kinda liked Misty.

Time for the next task: transmutation. I call this teleporting, but we’ll use their word.  Zoe zaps herself behind Madison and says, “Tag, you’re it.”  No, sweetie, the game Madison was playing was sick and demented. Yours is just pitiful. Go sit down next to your boyfriend.

Madison zaps herself next to Queenie and now Queenie is “it.”  Queenie gets Zoe and now Zoe is “it.”  Okay, it’s wrong, and I know it, but I have to say it: this is probably the only game of tag that Queenie has a chance of winning. Moving on, the girls continue their game and are laughing and enjoying it, but good old Cordelia comes out to say it’s not a game.  Zoe just wants to have a little fun.  I mean, Misty just died and all, but it’s a beautiful day and I want to play tag.  So they play and laugh until Zoe manages to impale herself on the spikes of the gate. Seriously, how did she manage this?

They bring her to the greenhouse and Queenie gives her the weakest mouth-to-mouth I’ve ever seen.  It doesn’t work.  Cordelia sends Queenie and Kyle into the house and orders Madison to bring Zoe back. Madison calls BS, saying she should stay dead.  Cordelia reminds her that not only was Madison once dead, but that if Madison were the true Supreme, Zoe’s life would be irrelevant. Okay, she had a good one there. But she’d taken her glasses off and was looking all freaky again so I still don’t like her.  Madison catches a fly and kills it, then opens her palms to reveal the fly is alive again, and still refuses to bring Zoe back. Myrtle says if she doesn’t bring Zoe back, she doesn’t deserve to be Supreme. Madison points out that “deserving” has nothing to do with it.  Uh, hello, Fiona was the last Supreme. Girl has a point.

Cordelia is blathering on – AGAIN – about how useless she is and what a failure is. Yes, we know. WE KNOW.  Myrtle is sad about Misty and Zoe. She thought Zoe would make a fine leader. I disagree. She was pretty wimpy. Kyle is crying over Zoe, pissed that she left him when she said she wouldn’t. Cordelia is upset that Fiona was right that Madison is the next Supreme. Did they forget that Queenie is still in this game?  Racist witches. Then Myrtle declares she thinks Cordelia is the next Supreme. She wants Cordelia to perform the seven wonders. I don’t. If this chick is the next Supreme, then I’m Diana Ross.

They gather around a table and Cordelia whips her sunglasses off, suddenly so badass, and lights a candle. And then the fireplace.  And she grins like a proud idiot. Then she forces Queenie to do some jazzercise, which she finds a little funny (okay, I do, too), then puts her badass face back on.  She then lifts the piano and then sets it gently back down on the ground.  Then she lies on the ground and descends into her hell.

We don’t get to see her hell, but we see those freaky-ass eyes all kinds of close up again (which is my hell) before she comes back.  Her hell was trying to get Fiona’s approval and getting “bitch slapped” for it over and over. Ha ha ha ha ha…damn, now that is a hell I’d have enjoyed seeing. She then zaps herself across the room. And that’s five wonders. Madison jumps in and wants to do the last two with her. It started as a competition, it should end like one.  Yeah, when did this become the Cordelia show?  I don’t like this show.

The next trial is divination. I think I saw this in Harry Potter.  It’s where you drink tea and the leaves tell you how you’re going to die.  Oh, no, that’s apparently wrong.  You read marbles to find the belongings of dead people.  I like mine better.  But Cordelia nails it.  Then it’s Madison’s turn and she refuses.  Myrtle declares her a failure.  So she tries it.  And fails.  Madison claims it’s rigged.  I claim everyone forgot Queenie was competing – even Queenie!  Madison lights a cigarette and storms out.  She’s going back to Hollywood where people are normal.  She’s packing up her suitcase when Kyle comes in to strangle her.

Cut to the greenhouse where Cordelia is giving that pitiful CPR. Oh…oh I get it now. Queenie not being able to bring Zoe back was how she failed out of the trial, but since Madison revived the fly, she passed. Dang, that got by me completely the first time.  Sorry folks.

Back to the show.  Madison is declaring her love for Kyle and saying she did it for them, but Kyle is not buying it and continues to strangle her. Can’t she just shove him across the room with her mind, or mind control him to stop?  Apparently not, because she dies just as Zoe is revived by Cordelia. Then Cordelia faints.

Kyle is admiring Madison’s dead body and the butler comes in to brush her hair with the severed hand of a doll. I have to laugh cuz that is just so messed up, it’s awesome.

Back in the greenhouse, Cordelia rises up and her eyes are all back to normal and she’s got some nice pink lipstick on and everyone is gazing at her and…no.  I do not like this.  Myrtle declares her the one true Supreme.  And I call bullshit.  No way, Jose.  She is not.

Next scene and she’s being interviewed for having made a public declaration of being a witch.  She’s inviting all the witches out there to call, email or just drop by and join the coven. It’s like a damn infomercial.   preferred the owl from Hogwarts, thank you very much.

Cordelia wants to put Zoe and Queenie on the Council. Myrtle wants Cordelia to step up as the Supreme and take action as a Supreme should. Which means punishing her for what she’d done to the former Council members.  Myrtle wants Cordelia to order Myrtle’s burning at the stake. Cordelia refuses. Myrtle pushes her and Cordelia starts crying like the little wuss she is.  Myrtle tells her to suck it up.  Yeah, you’re the damn Supreme.  You are Fiona’s daughter.  MAN THE HELL UP.  Ugh, I can’t stand Cordelia.

Could you tell? 🙂

So Myrtle is burned at the stake. Again.

AHS Coven S3E13 Myrtle Burned Again

And when they get home there are hundreds of wannabe witches lined up at the gates.  Zoe and Queenie accept their spots on the Council and ask to open the gates. Cordelia tells them to wait because she has one more thing to deal with.  Oh…Oh…Oh…I hear Fiona!  Yeah, baby, it’s about damn time.

Cordelia says she saw Fiona die. Fiona says “Look again.” Oh thank God.  A dead Fiona = a dead show. Turns out, her and axe man had a little deal to make Cordelia believe that Fiona was dead. She’d come back to the coven once the Supreme was decided and kill her. Cordelia says it’s a little harder to do that when the Supreme is Fiona’s own daughter. Yeah, no, just kill her Fiona. And Fiona, by the way, is looking a little rough.  Okay, she’s looking a lot like that Precious dude from Lord of the Rings.  And yet still glorious.  Kill her Fiona. Just take her out.

But damn it, she hands Cordelia a knife and asks Cordelia to put her out of her misery.  No Fiona, stab her, kill her.  YOU are the Supreme, not her! Cordelia refuses to kill her.  She says “feel the fear” and kill your damn self.  Shut up, Cordelia.  You should be the one dying. And then Fiona collapses in Cordelia’s arms.

NO!

Fiona wakes up in a country bed. She has her hair back, but has no idea where she is. Axe man comes in with some freshly caught catfish and Fiona wants none of it. Fiona is having a 50 First Dates moment and axe man is over it.  He slaps her to the ground while grabbing himself. And Fiona freaks out, and then they dance to no music, and then Papa is there. Laughing. I don’t get it, but I think she’s in some sort of hell?  I don’t really know.  But I don’t like it, cuz she’s dead and Cordelia isn’t.  Damn.

Cordelia comes sauntering down the stairs, thinking she’s all regal and badass and says they can open the doors now.  Kyle is in a tux and is opening doors and carrying bags and escorting ladies around.  Uh, where are these people gonna stay?  There’s like 7 rooms in that place and a hundred girls.  One of the newbies asks, “What’s a Supreme?” and Queenie says, “You’re looking at her.”  Damn it, no I am not!  I will never get over this.  Never.

Cordelia just smiles.

Man, that was disappointing for me.  I can see how this was the inevitable end and the one that would make the most sense and what they were leading up to all that time, but no. I just can’t. Cordelia is the Supreme?  If she’d been even a fraction less obnoxious and useless the entire season I may have accepted it, but she wasn’t.  Of the choices, she’s the only one that works, but still.  I’m not happy.

It was a great season with some seriously amazing highlights (like anything involving Angela Bassett) with a stellar cast.  There were some plot holes and things I felt weren’t tied up as nicely as they could have been, a whole lot of “convenient” stuff going on, but hey, it was entertaining. It got downright dark and twisted in the best way and that’s what I watch AHS for. I think they have yet to get anywhere close to the magic of that first season, but this one was worthy to carry the AHS torch.

Sad to see it end, sad with the way it ended, but it’s been a great ride.

Until next season…

About Maya Maldonado (43 Articles)
Maya Maldanado is the author of the Lust (The Immortal Shadows Trilogy).

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