Previously on American Horror Story: Coven, ‘The Axeman Cometh’
I’m going into tonight’s episode with both high expectations and none at all. So, really, I can’t be let down. It’s either going to be amazing like it could be, or it’s going to suck like it has been. Let’s see how it goes.
We kick off the episode at a tattoo parlor where Kyle is belting out Toto and referring to them as “amazeballs.” I think I prefer zombie Kyle to this douchelord. His frat buddies give him a hard time, but he just continues singing. His buddy gets deep and describes his tattoo – supposedly Chinese characters for “beginning and end” – saying to him it means to live right Goddamn now. YOLO! Kyle declares he won’t get a tattoo because his mom will kill him. Ah, the irony. He waxes poetic about how he’s going to become an engineer and build levies that won’t break when the next Katrina hits, and how when he meets the “mayor governor” he doesn’t want a tattoo to sully his image. He’s got one life and he’s not wasting it. Again – YOLO! Except, actually, Kyle’s got two lives. And as it turns out, his little Irish friend’s arm. Cuz he spies the shamrock tattoo in the crook of “his” arm. But not only that, he’s got the Chinese symbols on his ankle. Okay seriously, what are the chances of this? Of all the body parts available to sew together, he gets these two extremely definitive ones? AHS, ya gotta quit with the “convenient” plot points. Zoe watches him writhe and freak over realizing his body parts are not his own and cradles a gun behind her back.
Madison is perched on the stairs with a candelabra and draped in a long black lacy gown, smoking a cigarette. She’s looking very zombie-esque, I suppose this is to remind us that she was recently dead. But Kyle didn’t have this gray, ashy complexion thing going on, so I’m not sure why such a vain character wouldn’t at least dab on some lip gloss. Anyway, she’s going on about how hard it was to be her and how she’d do anything to escape pain. Only now she can’t feel pain. This half-dead thing that she is has no feeling, and can drink and medicate herself to kingdom come with no worries. She consumes every herb and pill she can find until she stumbles across one that brings her normal color back and then presses a lighter flame to her palm, cuz, you know, she can’t feel anything. Her palm gets bubbly and gross, but she doesn’t seem bothered. She pigs out on everything in sight but “can’t fill the hole inside.” Aye, the cheesy lines have got to stop.
Zoe explains to Kyle that he has to go. She should never have brought him back. He killed his mother and she needs to fix it. But he easily snatches the gun away from her and points it at his mouth. And…she stops him. Wasn’t that what she was just going to do herself? Kyle cries and Zoe cradles him, saying she doesn’t want him to die. Then wtf was that hoopla with the gun and making things right?
In the kitchen, Queenie is not happy that Madison has eaten all of the food in the house. Delphine strolls in and is also disappointed. She wanted a midnight snack, too. So, they hit the drive thru. Delphine is taken aback by the “talking box” but Queenie shushes her and orders them up a nice serving of diabetes and heart disease. Somehow, Delphine knows what “super size” means though the drive thru concept eluded her, and they go for it. Delphine has a foodgasm over her cheeseburger and declares that she understands now why Queenie is so enormous. I think that’s the nicest thing she’s ever said. Then she says the other witches will never accept Queenie as their sister. Not cuz she’s fat, but cuz she’s “black as coal.” Queenie hit it right on the head when she called Delphine the “immortal racist.”
The phone rings and Cordelia knocks over a glass trying to answer it. Really – who is leaving glass around the blind woman? It’s Hank, calling to say he misses her and wants to come home. She hangs up but he promises to see her soon. He takes a swig of his drink and we get to see his arsenal of weapons. Is he going to war or trying to kill a witch? Cordelia roams the halls – and there isn’t even a safety gate at the top of the stairs! Come on, people! And of course, Cordelia nearly falls, but Madison grabs her and Cordelia gets a glimpse at just how Madison died. And we get a close up of those milky white eyes. *shudder* I really hate those.
Axeman has taken Fiona back to his apartment. Um, now how exactly is it just as he left it like 100 years ago? The fan is even running and some jazz record is on the record player. He offers Fiona some bourbon and they chit chat about I don’t care what. She excuses herself to the bathroom and doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by a giant ass roach in the sink. That is a deal breaker for me – no clean potty, no boom boom. But Fiona doesn’t mind. She runs a hand through her hair and some of it falls out. She balls it up into her fist and waltzes back out, not noticing (or smelling) the tub filled with a rotting, bloody corpse.
Axeman makes the move on Fiona and she’s just about to give it to him when he runs his hand through her hair and even more falls out. Then she gets snippy and says it was all a mistake. He swears it isn’t just a one night stand, she swears that it is. She tries to leave, declaring herself a wretched bitch, but he sweet talks her into staying. He rambles on about how he works his “instrument” and Fiona falls for it, letting him undress her.
Zoe lets Kyle loose from his shackles and says she’s going to teach him to communicate. She’s got flash cards with words and pictures. Kyle doesn’t want to play this game. He’s not stupid and he doesn’t need your baby flash cards. He moves to spoon himself a bite of food and then flings the bowl across the room in a rage. Okay, lesson over. Madison walks in, but doesn’t remember who Kyle is. Zoe casually informs her that she killed him and then they brought him back to life. Madison takes it in stride and says Cordelia wants to see Zoe. Zoe freaks that Cordelia knows Madison is alive but leaves Kyle with Madison.
Madison kneels beside Kyle and declares him lucky that she used “all the best pieces.” He doesn’t find it funny. Madison deems them kindred spirits. They’ve both died and been brought back, both wondered if it was worth the trouble. Kyle cries, Madison cries, and then they hug it out. Touching.
Marie is buying…I don’t know what. Carcass of something. Then Queenie comes in. Queenie says she’s never even had gumbo and Marie says they probably feed her Shake and Bake with watermelon for dessert. I swear, she has the BEST lines in the entire show. It should really be all about her. Marie gives her a taste of gumbo and offers Queenie a place with them if she’ll bring her Delphine. If they mix her witchcraft with their voodoo, even a Supreme can’t touch her. Queenie gets up to leave then asks what Marie would do if she did bring Delphine. Marie tells her not to worry, just get herself home. I don’t know what in the hell she drops into the pot of boiling water, but she is absolutely stunning while she does it. LOVE HER.
Cordelia is rambling on at Zoe and offers her tea. Zoe declines and then proceeds to let the blind lady handle porcelain and hot liquid. She’s been blind for like 25 minutes, how is she doing all of these tasks unaided? I’m not buying it. Cordelia tells Zoe that Fiona killed Madison because she believed Madison to be the next Supreme. She warns Zoe that if Fiona believes Zoe is the next Supreme, that Fiona will kill her, too. (But at this point, is there any reason to even worry about that? They’ll just find a new way to revive her dead body) Zoe swears, takes a swig out of the flask on the table and Cordelia declares they’re going to kill Fiona. Kill her once, kill her dead. On this show? Not likely. Nobody stays dead.
Speaking of the undead – Zoe returns to Kyle’s room to find him banging Madison up against a wall. For a dead guy, this kid gets a lot of action.
Fiona is getting dressed to leave Axeman’s house and lets him know the dead body in his tub is about to give off some noxious fumes. He finds it funny and Fiona says she’s called the cops. Axeman calls bullshit. Fiona continues to get dressed and leave when Axeman declares he knows everything about her – he’s been watching her since she was eight years old. Flashback to 8-year-old Fiona being bullied by an older witch in school. Fiona fights back and throws milk at the bully, so the bully shoves Fiona to the ground. As the bully walks away, a giant shelf topples on top of her. Back to the present and Axe Man takes the credit for it. He’d taken to her as the daughter he never had. But as she grew older, he fell in love. Not like a father, like a man. Okay, no, that is still creepy and gross and he is still a weirdo pedophile. Fiona gets angry and slaps him, declares it a “mercy lay.” He calls it a “culmination.” I call it “ew.”
Spaulding is tied to his bed in his creepy doll room. Zoe is there when he wakes and somehow he’s talking and has his tongue back. He flicks it around in awe. Zoe found it the other day, sealed up in a box and enchanted so it was still “alive.” The box it was kept in had the initials M.S.. – Myrtle Snow. Zoe has deduced that Myrtle enchanted Spalding’s tongue to tell the truth and Spaulding cut it out to avoid it. Nancy Drew over here is good, yet she had no idea who killed Madison. Get it together, Zoe. She says that while Myrtle wasn’t witch enough to restore Spalding’s tongue, she is. She demands to know who killed Madison and Spaulding reluctantly declares it was Fiona. (I can’t get Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar out of my head…this pen is…royal blue!) Zoe then kills Spaulding – though I have no idea why when he’s the one testimony she needs to incriminate Fiona – and he dies with his newly restored tongue hanging out. Ah, more cheesy irony.
Queenie comes down to the kitchen where Delphine is slicing a ham in the dark. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done the same thing in my own home. Queenie asks what was the worst thing Delphine ever did. Delphine declines to answer but Queenie says they could be true friends if they know each other’s darkest sides. Considering what a racist Delphine is and the fact that she’s now eternally bound to be Queenie’s slave, I just don’t buy that being friends with Queenie is something she actually wants, but she tells her story anyway.
Flashback: A young black girl is serving ham (of course) to Delphine’s husband. She smiles coyly at him and he has his hands firmly placed on her rear end. Delphine says she hasn’t seen the slave for a couple of weeks since she’s just had a baby. (By the way, this woman looks AMAZING for having given birth two weeks ago. And if any man was touching my butt only two weeks after pushing a baby out of me, I’d have cut it off.) Delphine says the baby is beautiful and “white as cream” – there is no question whose child this is – and does he have a name? The slave girl says she hasn’t decided on one yet (so what have they been calling him for two weeks?) and Delphine’s husband says he likes the name Pierre. Delphine ignores him and says that the kitchen is no place for a new mother. She asks the slave to come to her boudoir and be her new handmaiden. The slave happily accepts her new job and Delphine’s husband knows his booty on the side is going to be unavailable very soon.
Delphine stirs up a little pot of blood and asks the slave girl if she knows what’s in it. Oh, not just any blood. The blood of a newly born baby boy. She tells her there isn’t a need to give that baby a name. And she might have said something else, I really don’t know, because my heart dropped down into my butt and I gasped and covered my mouth just like Queenie does in response. AHS, I was looking for something to freak me out, but good God, that is just WRONG. It’s inhuman! I get that we’re not supposed to like Delphine, but my God. It’s just…NO!
Delphine declares that she’s trying to learn what the “right thing” to do is. Says it was a different time, a different world. Um, no, there is no time or world where killing newborn infants and stirring up a pot of their blood in front of its mother is an OKAY THING TO DO. Ugh, no, I’m just disgusted. Bring back the minotaur rapist because I can’t hang with this.
Delphine declares Queenie her true friend and her guidance. Queenie doesn’t respond, but in her eyes I see her dragging Delphine’s ass straight to Marie. If she doesn’t do it, I’m gonna.
In the bathroom, Fiona is continuing to lose her hair so she whips out the clippers. Why a woman has these in her bathroom where no men live, I don’t know. But Bryan Cranston did this a few years ago and unless she’s gonna start wearing a porkpie hat, grow a goatee and start cooking meth, I’m not interested. Alas, Fiona does not have the balls to do it – she’s no Heisenberg. Fiona, in all her glory, has been left to screwing pedophile ghosts. What a waste of one of the most magnificent presences ever on screen. Come on, AHS, this is JESSICA LANGE. You’ve got a pot of gold at your fingertips! Use it wisely!
Zoe is washing off mud and blood in the shower. Not sure where she got muddy, but all right. Madison whips back the curtain and gloats about having sex with Kyle. Zoe says she doesn’t care, they couldn’t have been together anyway. Madison says they could because Kyle already died once, so Zoe’s vajayjay curse shouldn’t even work on him. But then says that she’s not done with him – being with him was the only time she felt anything since being brought back from the dead. So Zoe says they’ll just take turns. Madison takes her by the hand and leads her into the next room where Kyle is waiting on the bed, shirt unbuttoned. Madison sits beside him and reaches her hand out, then Kyle follows. Zoe – for God knows what reason – takes each of their hands. Her towel drops to the floor and all three sets of legs disappear. An undead threesome. Not.Even.A.Little.Sexy.
Fiona is back at the jazz bar offering to buy Axeman a drink. Sigh. Oh Fiona, you are so much better than this.
Queenie is leading Delphine through the streets under the guise of getting her hair done. Now, doesn’t Marie own a hair salon? Oh yes, I like where this is going. Except Delphine is all wide-eyed and wonderous and for a moment, I’m sad for her. No, she’s a baby killer. Get her, Marie! Get her good!
Marie comes out and Delphine’s heart drops to her butt. She gets locked up in a metal coffin-shaped something or other and Marie offers Queenie the chance to make the first cut. Delphine screams but we don’t get to see any of the carnage – which is slightly disppointing. Marie has a bowl of blood and she paints her face with it, declaring herelf beautiful. Yes, Ms. Bassett, even covered in blood, you are breathtaking.
Well, as predicted, I wasn’t let down – I didn’t expect much and I didn’t get much. The show is kind of all over the place. The dialogue is trite, there are major holes in the plotline, there’s way too much coincidence and the “shock value” is so contrived. The three goddesses in this show should be enough to overcome all of this, but they’re just not. I want more, and the foundation is there to be great, but it’s falling short. I’m still waiting for it to all come together but the story just becomes more scattered. There is hope, though. So when the show comes back in two weeks, I will see if it finally lives up to its potential.