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American Idol Recap – Hollywood or Home?

Previously, on American Idol: “Auditions 5 & 6

Welcome to Hollywood!!!

Or rather, this airplane hangar that is apparently located in the middle of nowhere. This is a new thing this season where the contestants are brought into the hanger and are told to sing right then and there. From there, they will either be sent home or sent to Hollywood. I like this. It’s how we separate the weak. This should have been done years ago.

Most of these people who are singing in the hanger are really bad. Apparently only people of questionable talent are being asked to sing again to make sure mistakes hadn’t been made. Again, I like this. None of us would know the name of Sanjaya Malakar if they’d instituted this 6 years ago. The 52 contestants who had to re-sing are split into two groups. They are sent out to two buses waiting outside for them. One is going to a hotel in Hollywood, the other to an airport. They’re not even told which place their bus is going! They’re just sent on the bus and they find out when they get there. That is awesome. I mean, kind of cruel. But awesome. I don’t know how the bus driver keeps a straight face. I’d probably keep playing some sad, cryptic songs just to be an asshole.

After the suck fests are out of the way, day one begins as each contestant auditions again and they’re narrowed down even further.

American Idol | Judges decide.

Day two is group day, my favorite day. It’s when everyone falls the hell apart. Anybody who loses their shit now should be sent home immediately. If you can’t handle the ‘pressure’ of performing a short song with a few other people, how can you handle the show? Or fame? And if you can’t handle performing with a group of people, you need to leave immediately. Not just this show, but Earth.

So, everyone is split into groups of 3 or 4. No more, no less.

As soon as the day begins, a girl with pink hair more or less ditches her group because they’re not apparently up to her standards.  Then when no one else will have her ass in their group, she starts to cry about how hard it is to be a broke ass musician. Blah, blah blah, no sympathy. Get a job.

The worst person this season.

The worst person this season.

More nonsense ensues. People lose their shit, team members disappear, people don’t want to rehearse, someone’s mom tries to control things, people fight, people get kicked off teams, other groups act like grown ups and get their shit together. Some people suck so bad at dress rehearsal that Michael Orland rolls his eyes right out of his head.

American Idol | Michael Orland eye roll

Hey, you guys remember the Brittenum Twins? That was awesome.

The performances are mostly bad. Granted, we don’t see very many of them, but the ones we see are pretty bad. One or two groups are good, but most are not. My boyfriend said, “Why are we watching this?” and left the room. That’s about how bad they were.

Even Michael Orland can’t handle this shit.

American Idol | Michael Orland face

One group rocks a Backstreet Boys song, and then another group does the worse rendition of “Single Ladies” ever, some people are douchey, some people forget the words, some people cry, someone’s mom acts like a nutcase, and my heart gets broken when the one person whose name I bothered to remember goes home. The day finally ends with only two people complaining on stage about how they’re sick in case they suck then they have a built in excuse.

Even Michael Orland wishes he was dead right about now.

American Idol | Michael Orland dead

Join us next week when the top 30 are chosen! I’m excited. I can start learning people’s names.

Until then, let us bask in the glory that is this.

American Idol | Seacrest: Bask in his glory

About Patti Matteucci (265 Articles)
Patti Matteucci plays in an imaginary band in Illinois where she rocks the mic like a vandal while simultaneously cooking MCs like a pound of bacon. She is into most nerdy things but doesn’t excel enough in any to be labeled a nerd. One of her top skillz is scouring the internet for recipes, printing out a big pile, and then throwing them away before ever trying them when she remembers that you can have food made and delivered to your front door by somebody else. She is a 14 year old trapped inside a 33 year old’s body (or maybe also a 14 year old’s body) with an unabashed love for Justin Bieber and far too much time spent marrying celebrities in Sims 3.
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