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American Idol XIII Recap: Rush Week

Previously, on American Idol: “Hollywood Round, Week 2

Apparently, the top 15 girls performed on Tuesday night and I was not aware of this nor was my DVR. So, obviously I won’t be recapping that, but if you know me, you know I usually dread girl’s night anyway. So, win-win, I guess.

The theme song is new. It’s all night club. I’m not sure I like the changes to it, but I still got up and danced like old times. Because THIS is American Idol.

The audience goes apeshit as the judges come out of the Fantasia screen… and they walk out and sit down…. I’m sorry, I’m just not sure what to do with judges that don’t dress and talk ridiculous. Oh hey, Randy Jackson is in the audience blowing kisses and acting like an idiot and he’ll be mentoring the contestants, so we’ve got that going for us. Seacrest is Seacrest as always. He’s got his big boy suit on and his husband hair. Live shows just make his face glow. I love it. Someone tweeted a selfie taken with him during the taping of the show this week. The reasons for me to move to California are just piling up.

American Idol | Ryan and Judges

We are re-introduced montage style to the 15 boys. I remember almost all of them! I’m pretty sure about 4 of them are all the same person though. I didn’t know that was allowed. Only 10 of these guys will actually be performing today. And just so you know, there is a “movement coach” this season and I’m going to pretend she doesn’t exist because how asinine is that.

First up, Caleb Johnson, who looks sort of like a younger Meatloaf. Daughtry is mentoring and he’s all, “you can do anything for love but you can’t do that”. I mean, he doesn’t say that, but I’m sure he was thinking it. Ohh! Adam Lambert is mentoring fashion. He’s looking good. He’s got facial hair like a dude! I so wish I was a gay man right about now. So, Caleb is singing a song I don’t know and he’s very good. This reminds me so much of Bo Bice. Like Bo Bice chewed on an experimental piece of bubble gum and got bigger. Anyhoo, the performance is awesome. The judges all agree. If the rest of the guys are gonna be better than this, we’ve got a good night ahead of us. I’m excited.

American Idol | Randy and Caleb

Jen picks the second guy, C.J. Harris, who is one of the four guys who are the same guy. Randy asks him questions about his influences, Adam tries to get him to wear a fedora, and Daughtry hates his guitar playing. You know, having past Idols mentor rather than some jackass who doesn’t know shit makes much more sense. C.J. doesn’t take Daughtry’s advice and plays guitar during his performance anyway. Well, his voice is excellent, so whatevs.

Hot dayum!

Hot dayum!

Next, Emmanuel Zidor, who’s been “humming since the womb and singing since 5”. Randy Jackson is all, “I love that, I gotta use it!” Shut up, Randy. It feels good to say that again. I love this guy, though. Emmanuel, not Randy. I don’t love his performance though. It bores me. The judges agree. He was performing more than singing and it wasn’t that great to hear.

Next is Sam Woolf, my favorite. He’s only 17, but you know I like ’em young. Vocally, he wasn’t as good as the first two guys were, but it was still a pretty solid performance. He’s got a great tone. His parents look so proud. I wanna weep tears of joy along with them. The judges all love them, though Harry wants him to gain a little more confidence.

American Idol | Sam

Damn, Seacrest is handsome. Have I ever mentioned that? I’d make out with him and Adam Lambert at the same time and not even care if the video leaked.

Anyway, next is George Lovett, who is also one of those four guys who are all the same guy. He’s singing the only song tonight I know so far, Grenade. I don’t like this. He’s not very good. Jen is like, “If you get further in the competition, I want you to sing better.” I’m paraphrasing. He says, “Well, I’m on live TV and there’s a lot of people here.” Again, I’m paraphrasing.

Dexter Roberts up next.  He could’ve picked a better song, me thinks, but he doesn’t give a bad performance. I’d vote for him. If my voting wasn’t tied up in Sam that is. Did you know there’s an app for voting?

Next, Alex Preston. He reminds me of somebody I know but isn’t somebody I know. I find that frustrating. Alex claims he plays 11 or 12 instruments, but I bet it’s probably more like 2. I think he owns two guitars and he’s just counting the strings on both. He’s got that independent singer-songwriter sound to him. I like it.

Malcolm Allen is next. Randy asks him all the important questions like, how will he make the transition from singing at church to singing at a place other than church. Shut up, Randy. And just so I don’t have to say it again in a few minutes, shut up, Randy. Malcolm’s performance doesn’t give Jennifer “goosies”.

Next is Ben Briley. He does a great performance while playing electric guitar. I like this guy a lot. I hope he sticks around for a while. Harry goes on and on about how big Ben’s tie knot is. It really is huge.

Last boy in is….. Spencer the toolbag. Ugh. He hugs all the remaining guys except for one who he blatantly ignores. Well, then. The audience won’t stfu about him even though his performance sucked. Something tells me he’ll be around for a while. Ugh. Luckily for all of us rage fuels me.

Thursday Night: Results

The judges and Ry-Ry are all dressed in black tonight. It suits them all. Anyway, it’s gonna take an hour for them to reveal the top 13, but Project Fandom headquarters don’t want a full results recap so I’ll sum this shit up quickly.

Malaya Watson, Ben Briley, Emily Piriz , Alex Preston, Jessica Meuse: God help us all. I hope somebody cuts her hair off in her sleep. Or while she’s wide awake. I’m not picky about it. Dexter Roberts, Caleb Johnson. Caleb picks Ryan up and squashes all of his internal (and potentially external) organs. Harry admires how quickly Ryan bounces back into host mode after that molestation. Majesty Rose (who is ADORABLE), commercial break.

American Idol | Caleb Lifts Ryan

If MK isn’t in the top 13, I’m just gonna flip all kinds of tables.

Two more spots left based on votes. OMG! MK!!! She looks like Justin Bieber tonight. I’m not sure what this says about me. But she’s in and I’m thrilled.

At this point, my cable goes wonky, the DVR skips ahead, and I completely miss which guy the last spot goes to. When it gets it’s shit together, C.J. is singing. I hate his name because Word automatically capitalizes the word coming after it because of the period after the J. I’m going to call him Ceej from now on. I don’t have time for this. I guess he’s singing again because the judges have to pick their wild cards. My cable goes wonky some more, and I miss some more. I can’t deal with this. Let’s just Google some spoilers.

Sam is the 5th boy in. Woot Woot! The judges wild card choices are Jena Irene, Kristen O’Connor, and Ceej.

About Patti Matteucci (265 Articles)
Patti Matteucci plays in an imaginary band in Illinois where she rocks the mic like a vandal while simultaneously cooking MCs like a pound of bacon. She is into most nerdy things but doesn’t excel enough in any to be labeled a nerd. One of her top skillz is scouring the internet for recipes, printing out a big pile, and then throwing them away before ever trying them when she remembers that you can have food made and delivered to your front door by somebody else. She is a 14 year old trapped inside a 33 year old’s body (or maybe also a 14 year old’s body) with an unabashed love for Justin Bieber and far too much time spent marrying celebrities in Sims 3.
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