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American Idol XIII Recap – Top 13: This Is Me

Previously, on American Idol: “Rush Week

Ryan takes lots more selfies this week. At least I can live vicariously through Instagram.

American Idol XIII | Ryan Seacrest Instagram

Season 13’s top 13 (And episode 13! Will this bring bad luck?) come out high fiving the audience. I don’t feel attached to any of these people. The audience screams so loud and for so long for the judges that my beau came out into the living room saying, “Oh my God; what are you watching?”
The theme this week is “This Is Me”.  The contestants get to pick songs that reflect who they are as people and who they’d be as artists if they win.
There are several new changes to the voting. Each Idol will have the same number for the entire season, you can vote from the beginning of the show, there’s an app to vote on, and the numbers are 855 numbers. Damn it! It took me about 10 seasons to memorize the old number. There’s also something called “Super Vote”.

Dexter’s up first with some country jam. The judges agree it’s a good cover, but it sounded like he was covering a song rather than it being him.

Malaya is crazy, but in one of those good ways. She seems nice and a lot of fun. She’s covering a Bruno Mars song. It’s not good. The judges give her great advice about channeling her energy into controlling her vocals more.

Oh, hell no. Kristen is doing a Kelly Clarkson song, “Beautiful Disaster”. Ugh, I’m about to walk away. She starts out good, but then it goes downhill and the arrangement gets weird. If Kelly sees this she’ll be spinning in her maternity pants.

Ben Briley intrigues me. He’s funny. He’s a ginger. You know how I feel about gingers. And he plays guitar. He’s doing “Folsom Prison Blues” by Johnny Cash. I don’t like the song itself, but it’s a great performance. Best so far tonight.

CJ claims he hates people with no personality. I guess he doesn’t like himself very much. I fell asleep while he was talking to Ryan. He is doing a song called “Radio”. Hmmm. This is a song I must download. It’s the kind of generic crap I like.  His performance of it was nothing to write home about, but I’m sure the original is something I’ll enjoy.  Harry thought it was just an okay performance, the other two disagree. What do they know?

I’ve got a girl crush on MK, so I’m going to be biased in my opinions of her everything she does. Dogs are her favorite things in the world. Mine too. It’s a sign! We should be friends. She’s doing “Satisfaction”. Not the “Satisfaction” we all know but a different. There’s a line about conjugal visits. I don’t like this song, but she did good with it. I love her family in the audience. They’re always so happy and so proud.

American Idol XIII | MK

Majesty is up next. She’s my second favorite girl. She’s kind of adorable.  She’s dressed like an old lady for some reason. Also, I don’t like this thing she’s doing with this song. I think it’s just the song itself I don’t care for. The judges think it’s a killer song choice though.

I’m so jealous when Ryan goes out into the audience to harass all the girls out there.  Why can’t that be me?!!!

Jena is singing a Cold Play song. Not much of a fan of that band, so I’m not familiar with the song. However, I do love her performance of it. She kind of reminds me of Demi Lovato. I think she might have stolen Majesty’s spot in my heart. Ryan Google’s the meaning of the song, because nobody knows what it means and the title isn’t even mentioned in it. Curse you, Cold Play!

I love Alex, but there’s not much to say about his performance. It’s a typical Alex performance. Pretty great. The judges don’t seem to agree. I heard a lot of booing over their comments.

Jessica still looks fucking crazy. She talks to Ryan about something like crows and butterflies. Then she sings about crows and butterflies. This is madness. Go away… her voice actually kind of reminds me of Haltestorm, whom I love. The judges love her, Randy nods from his perch off stage, and I just want her to go away.

Emily’s mom sings a long with her in the audience. This is a very beautiful vocal of whatever song this is. It’s a Pink song. This is the best female performance of the night. Where has this girl been?

Sam! Sam!! My favorite boy! He’s singing “Unwell” by Matchbox 20. LOVE this song. Harry thought it was just “nice”. The rest of the judges loved it, and so did I. J-Lo calls him a “quiet storm”. I love this kid. I’m not sure if I want to marry him or rock him to sleep with a lullaby.

American Idol XIII | Sam

And the pimp spot tonight goes to Caleb of course. Who didn’t see that coming? He is magnificent, after all. His hair is luxurious. He’s performing a “modern rock song” that I do not know. It’s pretty good. Even Taylor Hicks is out in the audience nodding along. His look is a mix of approval and “You’re me. You’re me without grey hair. And don’t you forget it, you bastard.” Anyway, Caleb rocks it and the judges give him a standing O. Pimp spot was deserved.

I did not watch this live, so I can’t vote obviously, but were voting an option, I’d be voting for MK, Jena, Sam, and Caleb. Maybe Emily and Alex, but I don’t really approve of voting for so many people. There can only be one winner, ya know?

American Idol XIII | Top 13

Thursday Night: Results

Ugh, I was told results would be back to 30 minutes, but it’s an hour. Such a waste of time. I got other shit to do, Idol. Stop bogarting my life.

So the episode starts with the contestants singing “Radioactive” while they walk down the hall. They seem to enjoy each other’s company, although nobody really look sat or stands to close to Jessica. They walk through the back area and out on to the stage, still singing. It’s actually pretty cool. I approve of this. I’d also approve if they brought back medleys. Just sayin’.

The Idols go out to dinner together and talk about what they do and don’t like about the new stage, the judges comments to them, and they pretend to listen to Jessica and then Ben says funny things.

Before we find out who goes home, we have to listen to Randy’s opinions on everything and everybody. Shut up, Randy.

Ben is safe… Alex is safe, after Ryan makes us think he wasn’t. Damn you, Ryan! It’s this toying with my heart he does that keeps our romance alive. Jena is safe, and Malaya is in the bottom 3. I’d say she belongs there based on her performance this week, though I do like her as a person.

Performing in-between is Candace Glover, last year’s winner. I didn’t watch last season, so I’m not invested in this at all. Fast forward.

Harry expresses his desire to see Keith naked and Ryan says, “Keith, we’ve got nothing but time.” It’s hilarious. I love this group. They’d make a good talk show panel. Back to results.

Dexter is safe. Majesty is safe. Sam is safe and… MK is in the bottom 3. NOOO!! Damn you, Idol! I swear I’ll stop watching! If I walk out that door again, I’m not coming back! I can only take so much of your abuse!!

Next performer is a kid called Jake Bugg? I’m not sure what this is about. It was all Keith’s idea. I guess he’s alright. I’ve never heard of him. Keith is all in love. I think this might be his illegitimate son. He looks so familiar. Do I know him?

MK shouldn’t be in the bottom 3. Malaya was not great and neither was Kristen. Either one probably should be going home.

And the person with the lowest number of votes is…………… Kristen. The judges wisely choose NOT to use their save on her. I can’t believe they’re still doing the judges save crap. In her sing-out, she sings “Turning Tables”. Why the hell didn’t she sing this last night?! It’s good! Much better then that “Beautiful Disaster” disaster. Her goodbye video package is set to Kelly’s “Breakaway”. Kelly Clarkson is ALL. THE. THINGS!

Next week’s theme will be “Home”. Join us then!

About Patti Matteucci (265 Articles)
Patti Matteucci plays in an imaginary band in Illinois where she rocks the mic like a vandal while simultaneously cooking MCs like a pound of bacon. She is into most nerdy things but doesn’t excel enough in any to be labeled a nerd. One of her top skillz is scouring the internet for recipes, printing out a big pile, and then throwing them away before ever trying them when she remembers that you can have food made and delivered to your front door by somebody else. She is a 14 year old trapped inside a 33 year old’s body (or maybe also a 14 year old’s body) with an unabashed love for Justin Bieber and far too much time spent marrying celebrities in Sims 3.
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