So, apparently there’s a new television show called Selfies. I blame this entirely on Seacrest. Selfies have become his livelihood.
Not that he’s not adorable, but come on. A TV show about selfies? Unless it’s just a montage of Ryan selfies, I can’t watch it. I’d ask everyone to band together, so we can universally make sure this show flops, but I figure we don’t have to do anything, and it’ll bomb anyway.
On to the show!
Since this is episode 500, we see a montage of everyone who ever auditioned ever. You guys remember Simon Cowell? Remember David Cook? Remember Kelly Clarkson’s audition? OMG PAULA! Remember William Hung? Clay Aiken! That dude who looked like Clay Aiken! I’m all up in my feels right now. I know I have a lot of negative things to say about the show now, and I haven’t watched it religiously in a few years like I used to, but this show was all the things in my life for a long time. Maybe it’s silly cause it’s just a TV show, but nights like this feel bittersweet. They make my heart ache.
Anyway, so, Top 3 tonight. OMG, there is a song called “Selfie”, and we’re forced to listen to it performed live. I don’t know what’s wrong with the world sometimes. Let’s just fast-forward. Now we have a video package of Carrie Underwood talking about her win and congratulating the contestants thus far. I like her face. It’s pretty.
Randy has chosen a song for Caleb. “Never Tear Us Apart”. I’m not really feeling it with Caleb anymore. I don’t know what it is. He’s sick tonight and still sounds great, but I’m not overwhelmed by him like I used to be. The audience screams forever, so I guess I’m the only one. The judges loved him, too.
For Alex, Randy has chosen a song called “Pompeii”. I don’t know it because it’s current, and I don’t listen to much radio. Oh wait, I’ve heard this song in a commercial, I think. I don’t like it. It’s not his best performance. He runs around on stage and plays some giant drum, so I suppose this is a fun performance, but I like his more mellow performances better. Jen loves that it was so different. I guess I did, too, but it doesn’t really matter what he does tonight, because the finale will most definitely be between Jena and Caleb.
Oooh, Kris Allen… did I meet Kris Allen? I can’t even remember anymore.
For Jena, Randy has chosen “Titanium”. This song is so way overdone. It’s everywhere. I’m tired of it. She’s wearing a skirt that hangs from her waist and all the way down the stage, It’s like 20 feet long. She’s gonna trip over that shit. I don’t wanna have to laugh, but I will. The judges love her, the audience loves her, and I love her.
OMG, David Cook. This show knows how to kill me. If they were smart, they’d ask for money every time he’s on screen. I’d pay any amount to keep his face in front of mine.
Caleb is up again singing “Demons” by Imagine Dragons. I don’t know any of these songs! I miss the times when contestants sang old songs and I was able to discover new music. I don’t like half of what’s popular now. This is definitely not his best performance, though not his best is usually better than most other people. You can tell his throat is bothering him.
Alex’s second song, chosen by the judges, is “Stay” by Rihanna. That’s an interesting choice. This is the more laidback performance I prefer from Alex. This is a beautiful performance. I love it. So do the judges.
There’s a video package from someone calling himself Lee DeWyze, but it doesn’t look like Lee. I touched Lee. This isn’t Lee. Imposter!
Jena’s second song, chosen by the judges, is “Heart Attack” by Demi Lovato!! Yes!! Demi and Jena becoming one just like was foretold!! I’m so happy right now. She starts out sounding like the song is too low for her, but then she catches up and sounds great. I love this girl. I’m tempted to go to the summer tour so I can meet her, but the girls on this show are notorious for not coming outside for pictures and autographs. But Jena is special, so maybe she would.
Caleb, part 3. He’s doing “Dazed and Confused”. I don’t particularly care for this style of music, but it’s a great performance. Everyone loves it. The audience applauds for approximately 6 minutes.
Alex’s part 3 is “Story of My Life”. This song was stuck in my head earlier today. This is a great song. It’s an Alex song.
Jena is doing “Creep” and does it just as awesomely, if not more, than the first time she did it. Harry tells her how magical she is, though he uses different words, but we all know magical is what she is.
Because we are celebrating the 500th episode, there is a cake. It looks delicious until confetti falls onto it for no reason. Save the confetti for next week, dumbasses!
Thursday Night: Results
Ryan has a co-host tonight. So adorable. It somehow makes my ovaries hurt.
As usual, the Top 3 got their hometown visits this week. Jena heads off to Michigan, screams a lot after she gets off the plane, and is greeted by her adorable dogs. She goes to her old job and waits tables. Which involves lighting a plate on fire for some reason. That Jena, living on the edge. OMG, and then her grandma cries. And then her grandpa. I love her grandparents! Cute as buttons. I make it only about 2 minutes into her hometown video before someone starts cutting onions in here.
There’s all kind of Idols in the house tonight! Elliot Yamin, Danny Gokey, Scotty McCreery. I’m all up in my flashback feels. Danny Gokey is already remarried with a kid and another on the way. Remember when his first wife had died and he was still all raw, and we were worried about him? I guess he got over that. Elliot looks like a meth addict of some sort. Let’s move on from him. They don’t let either of those guys sing. That is reserved for Scotty. He still looks exactly the same. Is that kid ever gonna age? He still looks so much like Clay. I wish he was here tonight, but apparently he’s too busy running for political offices and killing his opponents.
While Jena is in Michigan, Alex heads off to New Hampshire. He does some radio interviews and then his mom cries. She’s excited to be able to feed him when he gets home. There’s a lot of people at his house to see him. I always wonder how many of these people would have showed up if the occasion was something that didn’t involve him having been on TV. I don’t trust people! Fortunately, there are no onions being cut in here during this video.
Caleb heads off to Ashville, North Carolina, where a lot of people scream, and he is in a parade. He eats biscuits and gravy and then sings about how he’s eating biscuits and gravy. Nothing exciting and/or touching goes on in Caleb’s hometown.
So, on to the important part…
The two in next week’s finale are Jena and Caleb! That means Alex is out, but we all knew this is how it would be. Alex is awesome, but he’s no Jena, and he’s no Caleb. Alex’s singout is awesome. For some reason this all makes me weepy. Damn onions. So many onions!