Previously, on American Idol: “America’s Choice”
Ryan looks amazing tonight. Just sayin’. Even Harry has things to do say about the sexy scruff.
The theme tonight is break-ups and make-ups. I hope somebody sings “Break Up To Make Up” by the Stylistics. I loooove that song. Caleb could redeem himself by doing that. These youngins probably don’t even know that song.
Apparently, last week, Caleb was unhappy with the fact that fans chose his song, saying that “[Twitter] gives access to a bunch of retards to talk to me”. So, kind of an ass, and I’m kind of over him right now. He can eat a whole big bag of dicks. Sounds to me like he can’t take responsibility for his own less than stellar performance. But whatevs. Jena needs to win this thing anyway. I’m almost angry enough to vote for Jessica out of retaliation.
Caleb tells a story about a girl he was seeing and how she was also seeing some other guy and he kept calling and texting her and she kept ignoring him. This story makes me happy in light of what he said/did last week. He’s doing “You Give Love a Bad Name”. This song was done a few seasons ago by Blake Whateverhislastnamewas. He does nothing spectacular with it, but the audience freaks out because apparently they weren’t listening when he called them “retards”. The judges loved it, too.
Speaking of Blake Whateverhislastnamewas, we stalked the contestants during the tour, and we were driving through the parking lot of the Target that was across the street from the arena when we saw Blake and Chris Richardson walking in, and we were like OMG OMG OMG OMG. I pulled into the first parking spot I saw, which was a handicapped spot, and my brother yells, “You can’t park here! It’s handicap!” and I was like, “But omg; it’s Blake and Chris!” So I moved my car, and we went inside but couldn’t find them. So we just bought goldfish and went back to the arena. True story.
Next up is Jessica. If she would just cut off that pink hair, I wouldn’t even recognize her and might not hate her so much. ‘Cause her voice ain’t all that bad. Oh hell no, this bitch is doing a Kelly Clarkson song. “Since U Been Gone”. It’s awful, and I’m just saying that. Simon would call this karaoke hell. Harry looks concerned. I stopped watching and watched this instead and you should, too.
Ryan announces the cities for next season’s auditions. Man, if I didn’t have a job, I’d just follow this tour and write about it and/or stalk Seacrest. I think stalking Seacrest would make my life complete.
Next up, we’ve got Alex. He’s doing “Too Close”. I don’t know this song, but it’s a great song choice for him. Oh wait, is this Maroon 5? It sounds like Maroon 5, at least the way he’s singing it. Thank God he doesn’t have that ridiculous hair that Adam Levine is currently sporting. Ain’t nobody got time to look at that. Harry loves Alex.
Next up is my girl Jena. She’s doing “Heartbreaker” by Pat Benatar. Going way back! That’s my girl! She should’ve dressed ‘80s, but instead, she dressed like a lady in her 80s. But everybody loves her.
Next we’ve got Caleb part 2. He’s doing “Travelin’ Band”. I don’t know what this has to do with breaking up and making up. Maybe that was only the theme for the first performance. This performance is waaaay better than the first. Everybody loves it.
Next up is Jessica doing Pink. Damnit! Stop singing songs by all my favorite people!!
On second thought, this is just as much of a suckfest as the last song she did, so carry on. You’re signing your own ticket home. She’s doing really badly tonight for a top 4 performer.
Let’s move on to Jena. Her second choice tonight is “Bad Romance”. She changes it up, and it’s awesome, of course. I love this girl’s voice. Some of the judges love it, some of them don’t. But overall, they agree she was pretty great.
Alex’s second performance is “I’m Yours”, dedicated to his girlfriend in the audience. It sounds exactly like the original, but he sounds good like he always does. The judges agree that it wasn’t very original and that he needs to keep surprising us.
OMG. There’s a third round. The theme of this last round is making up. I don’t understand how they work their themes.
Anyway, Caleb talks about his first kiss, and then he sings “Maybe I’m Amazed”. Okay, this is great. I forgive his earlier transgression. It’s nice to see a softer side of him. Harry calls it phenomenal, Keith calls it a killer performance, and Jen calls it his best performance ever.
Stupid Jessica talks about her stupid first crush, and her next stupid performance is “You and I” by Lady Gaga. I love this song. I hope she doesn’t screw it up. But then again, I hope she does. Hmmm. It seems that she is doing a good job. I don’t know how to process her doing well. It’s like walking in on your parents having sex. How do you ever get your brain to understand? You can’t. I’m gonna have to walk away from this. The judges thought it was a perfect choice for her.
Next up, Jena is doing “Can’t Help Falling in Love”. She’s playing piano! I love when she starts songs out this way. It’s always magic. She dedicated this song to her mom for Mother’s Day, which is kind of weird, but whatever; this performance is magic. Nothing could ruin it. Even Jessica walking across the stage and photobombing couldn’t ruin this moment. Jen stands up and applauds before Jena is even done. Keith joins her, but Harry does not because Harry stands for no one. Jen goes up on stage and hugs Jena because she is that moved by her performance. I tell ya, that girl is gonna win this thing. And if she doesn’t, I’ll be very angry. Keith calls her a species unto herself. “A musical platypus”.
Alex, take 3. He’s doing “Yellow” by Coldplay. I don’t know how I feel about always being able to see his ankles every week. Well, anyway, his performance is good. The judges thought it was a perfect performance to end the night.
Thursday Night: Results
The sad sack going home tonight is… Jessica. Excuse me while I dance a dance of happiness.
That means, next week, we get to see hometown visits with Jena, Caleb, and Alex.
Her goodbye song is “Breakaway”, but it’s not Kelly singing it. I don’t get it. Is it Jessica singing? Are they singing their own goodbye songs? Why would they not use the original artists, especially when the original artist is the original Idol?! My head is gonna explode. Good night, all. I leave you with this.