Previously, on American Idol: “Rock ‘n’ Roll/Country”
The songs tonight were chosen by America, so they show video footage of Jessica running around with an American flag. She’s so stupid. I hope she trips over it.
Jena says she has a crush on Harry Styles, to which Ryan responds, “Get in line, sister.” Behind me, too, ladies.
OMG ZOOEY DESCHANEL! I love her so. She runs on stage when Alex says she’s his celebrity crush. She’s adorable. Alex is adorable. Everybody is adorable tonight.
Apparently, a few weeks ago, everyone tweeted (I think. I don’t follow new technology anymore. I’m old.) song requests, and the contestants have each chosen two to perform tonight. So, basically, they picked any song that ever was, because how can they prove whether someone actually requested the song or not? They can’t!!
Anyway, on to the show. Alex is up first, being mentored by Jason Mraz. He’s singing a song called “Sweater Weather” that may or may not be a real song. I think someone should do Adam Sandler’s “Red Hooded Sweatshirt”. You guys remember that song? It was great. Anyway, Alex does great, but Keith just wants to talk about what Jason Mraz was like. Ryan leaps into Keith’s arms as we cut to commercial break.
Next up, we have Caleb doing “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”. I don’t know why anybody would attempt this song after what David Cook did with it, but I suppose life must go on for everybody else. Caleb did well for himself. He gave Jen goosies.
America requested that Jessica sing “Human” by Christina Perry. I don’t know this song. Oh wait, I do know this song. Jessica’s version sucks. It hurts my ears. The audience screams for her, and I just don’t understand. The judges are apparently drunk as well, and I still don’t understand. But they’ve been acting kind of insane all season.
Next up, we got adorable Sam… and some girl on stage who isn’t wearing pants. She’s seriously only wearing a long sweater that barely clears her butt. I need to skip past this. Sam is singing “Sing” by Ed Sheeran. I don’t really care for it. The judges thought it was good and that he was comfortable and “funky”.
Next up, we’ve got my girl Jena. Somehow she’s dressed all Where’s Waldo tonight. But lucky for her this is about her voice and not style. Lucky for everyone, actually, since they’ve all been wearing horrible shirts tonight. Even Good Will would reject some of these shirts. Jena is doing “My Body”, which I’m not familiar with. She’s amazing as usual. She’s so awesome she even kind of rocks the Waldo shirt. The judges loved her.
Caleb and Jessica do a duet, and we’re not gonna be a part of it.
Wait, I accidentally watched it. I am writing another article as I recap this, so I immediately forgot to hit fast forward. I heard enough to realize I liked it and then just kept it playing to the end. But I never looked up at Jessica’s face, so it doesn’t count. They sang “Beast of Burden” and sounded pretty good together.
Alex’s second song is “Say Something”. I love this song. I think the girl who wasn’t wearing pants earlier is singing back up. They sound good together, and Alex does a great job with this song. Harry calls it a beautiful performance and the best of the night. We all agree.
Jena’s up again doing “Valerie”. My favorite version of this is the Glee one, but I think Jena does great, too. The judges thought she did a nice job, but it was not her best. What do they know?
Sam, take 2. He’s doing “How to Save a Life”. He sounds wonderful. The judges thought he was shaky at the beginning but then became perfect and beautiful.
Harry lies to Jessica that millions of people in America “care for her”. Let’s not give the girl false hope!… wait… what if she wins? I don’t want to talk about that dark day. Let’s move on.
Caleb’s part 2 is “Still of the Night” by Whitesnake. I do love me some ’80s hairbands. He does an awesome job with it, of course, because he’s Caleb and that’s what he does. He gets a standing O from the audience and the judges. I probably would have given him one if this laptop wasn’t sitting in my lap. Keith calls it “killer” and tries to talk, but the audience won’t shut up. Jen calls it “bringing down the house”, and the audience starts back up again.
Thursday Night: Results
Ryan opens the show by touching the hands of the girls in the audience. Those bitches. Living my dream. Ryan promises a game changer sometime tonight. I hate game changers on this show. Just stick to the rules. I like the rules!
So, the contestants all sit in chairs and look bored, while Harry talks a lot about how they’ve grown and how amazing they are now. Then Keith performs. I still think he looks like Quagmire from Family Guy. I don’t know if anyone else sees it, but somehow, it’s there.
Shut up, Randy Jackson. I don’t know what you said, but I’m fast forwarding because I only have so many “shut ups” in me, and I only want to use one tonight.
So, Ryan offers a “dramatic proposal”. He tells the contestants that they can decide that either the person with the lowest number of votes goes home tonight or no one goes home tonight. If they choose the latter, then two people go home next week. It all amounts to the same thing, but whatevs. He takes a vote and it has to be unanimous. There are 3 votes for keeping the group together and 2 for someone going home tonight. No one knows how to react. Who cares? Send someone home. And Ryan does so immediately. Give a girl time to prepare, Seacrest!! SAAAAMMMMMM!!! NOOOOOO!!!
This is the saddest day. Everyone is sad. But I suppose making it to 5th place is nothing to sneeze at.