Previously, on American Idol: “Back to the Start”
We start out the show remembering how Sam almost left, but then was saved, and no one showed more excitement then Seacrest who jumped up and down and high fived Sam when the judges announced their save. Oh, Seacrest. You just love the young ones, don’t you.
The contestants come out one-by-one and announce that they ARE the next American Idol. You can’t all be, you fools. They should say, “I might be, but there’s also 7 other people here, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see, but I’ll do my best.” But maybe that was too long. The audience loves themselves some Seacrest. If I could ever sit close enough to see the whites of that man’s eyes, I would scream, too. And then die happy.
Speaking of dying happy, tonight’s theme is Totally ’80s. My favorite decade ever. Even though no one on this stage was even alive then, I’m thrilled to have an ’80s theme. They’d better not fuck it up. Keith comes out in a mullet, and it’s hilarious. Ryan calls him Billy Ray Urban.
OMG OMG OMG OMG! David Cook! OMG OMG OMG OMG! Is this real life? Is this really happening? He did not inform me of this via Twitter. If so, I might not have forgotten all about recapping this episode until Friday. Anyway, he’s here to mentor the contestants and… hey, where’d my pants go? I’m not sure why he’s here on ’80s week, instead of like Billy Idol or whoever, but I’ll take it. I’ll take him however he’s given to me. Hey, where’d my shirt go?
Jena is doing “I Love Rock N Roll” really slow, which initially gets David’s disapproval, but then it grows on him. Remember how I hated David for reasons unknown during his season and then he grew on me and now we’re getting married? Growth is a beautiful thing. I don’t like this slow version of this song… Oh wait… it’s growing on me, too. Damn, David was right. The judges were sort of mixed on her performance.
Ryan jokes around a giant phone from the ’80s and then David tells Dexter he needs to enunciate. God, I love that man’s voice. And his face. And his hair. I can’t concentrate on anybody else when Cook is in the room. Dexter is doing “Keep Your Hands To Yourself”. There’s a “Go Dexter” sign in the audience. This is pretty great. Dexter rocks it out and sounds great. David is good luck over there. Not that Dexter needs it, but it never hurts. The judges thought he was great.
Next up, as Ryan introduces a duet, he’s backstage where someone is playing with Lite Brites. My god, remember those? I want one! Sam and Alex are singing “The Girl Is Mine”. Hey, remember when Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard sang this in concert? It was awkward and hilarious all at once. Check it out on Youtube sometime. And by sometime I mean, right now because over here Sam and Alex are doing a rather boring version of it. They sound great, of course; it’s just kind of blah.
Next, David Cook mentoring Malaya. He says things and she says things but I don’t hear any of it cause I can’t do anything but stare at his face. She’s singing a song by Chaka Khan that I am not familiar with. I’m disappointed in song choices so far. This is what happens when you try to do something from a generation you didn’t exist in. The judges tell her she needs to relax more.
The judges argue over ’80s artists for awhile until Ryan breaks to commercial. The ’80s were so long ago even they can’t remember who sang what.
For some reason, Harry goes to stand in the audience surrounded by screaming girls while Caleb and Jena do their duet. They’re doing “It’s Only Love”, and it’s pretty good. They played off each other very well, so it’s actually better than pretty good. It was great. When they’re done singing, Harry is sitting back in his seat with a young girl on his shoulders. “We didn’t have time for the dismount.” he says, and then he introduces himself to the girl still sitting on his shoulder.
Next, ew, is Jessica. She’d better not look too hard at David. I ain’t trying to see another Kimberly Caldwell thing going on. She’s doing “Call Me”, which is a great song, but I hate her. David says she sounds good, but he doesn’t get any enjoyment from her. He means that he isn’t sensing her own enjoyment at performing, but I like how he made it sound like he just didn’t like her at all. That’s my boy. I love this song so much. Why is she still here? Caleb should be singing this song. I bet that’d be awesome. I fast forward through the judges’ comments cause I ain’t got time for that.
Next up is Sam. He’s doing “Time After Time”. David calls it “money”. He advises Sam to utilize the cameras to connect with the audience. He sees Sam’s lack of confidence and says “Own the stage, dude!” I love this song so much. And he does such a great job with it. The judges tell him the usual: vocally he’s great, but he needs to loosen up a little. He’s just a timid, shy guy. Leave him alone.
Malaya and CJ duet with “I Knew You Were Waiting”. Another song Clay Aiken has done in concert. Sigh, I miss old Clay. Anyway, this is one of my favorite duets. The duet is just okay. Harry says so, and I agree.
Next up, Alex. He is super nervous, maybe cause of David. Maybe not. I know i’d be nervous in the same room. Alex is doing “Every Breath You Take”. He changes the melody in a way I don’t really like. I rewound the judges’ comments twice but still couldn’t focus because I was simultaneously googling pictures of David Cook.
Dexter and Jessica are dueting “Islands in the Stream”. It’s awkward, like siblings singing together. Or a mom and her son, which is something I wouldn’t put past Jessica. Let’s move on to the judges singing “Like A Virgin” until Ryan and the audience join in. It’s amusing.
Next we’ve got CJ. He’s doing “Free Fallin'” which is probably in my top ten ’80s songs. CJ’s rendition excites David, and he gives CJ some ideas on arrangement. It’s a slow, stripped-down version. I can hear the David influence in it. It’s great, and CJ sounds great. The judges loved him.
Pimp spot belongs to Caleb, of course. He’s doing “Faithfully” by Journey. Caleb has never had a bad performance. This is no exception, of course. It’s a tame performance by Caleb standards but amazing.
Thursday Night Results
Ryan is so handsome tonight. We see young pictures of the judges, Randy Jackson, and then a car commercial.
To my dismay, there is no David Cook performance. That’s bullshit.
The person going home is… Malaya. She’s a nice girl, but she did have the weakest performance last night.
See ya guys next week!