What’s going on, ProFans? I’m taking a break from applying to be the new offensive coordinator for the Seattle Seahawks (seriously, you call a pass play from the shotgun on the opponent’s 1-yard line when you have the best running back in the league? Where they do that at?!) to bring you the latest releases to home media for February 3, 2015. In this week’s episode, we discuss the hotel of extraordinary assassins, Vlad Tepes like you’ve never seen him before, yet another Nicholas Sparks joint, the beginning to the most important letter in the world, and a dumb horror movie. We got a lot to dig into, so let’s just get right to it.
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 83%
Keanu Reeves stars as the titular character of John Wick, a retired hitman. When he’s forced to get back into the game when some gangsters have taken everything from him, he sets out to remind people why people fear his name. This movie, which also stars Adrianne Palicki, Alfie Allen, Bridget Moynahan, and Ian McShane, is available in both a single-disc Blu-ray/DVD + Digital Copy version and a single-disc DVD version. This is a brutally violent movie that is a lot of fun, and Keanu Reeves is at his best here. Give it a look.
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 22%
It is the year 1462. Vlad III (Josh Lucas) has ruled Transylvania in the country of Wallachia for a very long time in an era of peace. However, when Sultan Mehmed II (Dominic Cooper) demands 1,000 of Wallachia’s sons – including his own – so he can wage another war, Vlad makes a deal with the devil to save the ones he loves. But, with every Faustian bargain, this one comes with a horrible price tag. This movie, which also stars Sarah Gadon, is available in both a two-disc Blu-ray/DVD + Digital Copy version and a singe-disc DVD version. Yeah… I don’t know about a Dracula movie that’s not rated R. I completely forgot this movie was even a thing until I was reminded of this by my editor. You know what else? I’ve completely forgotten about it again.
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 8%
Nicholas Sparks, he of people dying incessantly of cancer (this article by Cracked sums up his work succinctly), brings us yet another sappy-ass melodrama with pretty-ass white people going through sappy-ass shit. Yes, I realize I’m a professional. No, I will not take this shit seriously. Anyway, James Marsden and Michelle Monaghan (also known as the person I confuse with Bridgett Moynahan) star as star-crossed lovers where stupid shit happens because they can’t open their gotdamnit mouths and tell their families to butt out. And someone probably dies of cancer. This movie, which also stars Luke Bracey, Liana Liberato, and Gerald McRaney, is available in both a single-disc Blu-ray + Digital Copy version and a single-disc DVD version. Hang on a sec… this box is listed as the “Tears of Joy Edition”?! I got better things to do than pay attention to shit like this… I think I need to go clip my toenails. Yeah… that’s it.
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 92%
Then, we come to the antithesis of the aforementioned movie. This Sundance-winning film is an autobiography of sorts based on writer/director Justin Simeon’s life as a black man in a predominately white university. It looks at life for an eclectic group of black students trying to survive at an Ivy League school and the drama that happens when acceptance goes wrong. This movie, which stars Tyler James Williams, Kyle Gallner, and Dennis Haysbert (are YOU in good hands?), is available in both a single-disc Blu-ray + Digital Copy version and a single-disc DVD version. Just in time for Black History Month, we get another dose of what it’s like to be a minority in America. This movie is very thought-provoking, very raw, and very much my pick of the week.
Rotten Tomatoes rating: 7%
You know a movie ain’t worth a damn when the plot synopsis doesn’t even give you anything to work with. I mean, they discuss the producers and director more than they discuss the plot. So, they’re not really helping my cause here. Stupid teenagers get a hold of a Ouija board, and stupid shit happens. This movie, which stars…? is available in both a two-disc Blu-ray/DVD + Digital Copy version and a single-disc DVD version. Oh, look… I need to shave. Let me take care of that instead of paying any more attention to this waste of celluloid.
Honorable mention goes to Porco Rosso and Pom Poko, two movies from Studio Ghibli, by way of an English-language dubbing from Disney. The great Hayao Miyazaki directs Porco Rosso, the spiritual precursor to his final film The Wind Rises, while his longtime studio partner Isao Takahata directs Pom Poko. Disney is releasing these titles to Blu-ray for the first time. They’re certainly worth your time… more so than Ouija and The Best of Me, that’s for damn sure.
Well, that’s all I got for this week. Have any questions or comments? Did I miss something you wanted to discuss? Feel free to hit me up in the comments section below.
Until next time…