With the release of Sims 4 this week, I’ve already started thinking of what celebrities I’ll marry this time around (Because what other reason is there to play the game?). Here are some of the celebrity Sim marriages I’ve had in the past:
1. Of course I was once married to Clay Aiken. I should have known that was a mistake when he kept hitting on the man maid. I don’t know how many times you have to catch your husband making out with another dude before you realize that he probably didn’t marry you for your vageen. He was also once abducted by aliens and knocked up. Suuuure, he was always too tired to have sex with me but a green skinned alien comes along and all of a sudden he’s wide awake. That son of a bitch!!
2. Ryan Seacrest was too depressed to go to work or eat or do anything else. And then because he was so sad, a clown kept coming over and crying and making him sadder. It was a vicious circle that wouldn’t end. So I had to burn the house down with him inside. I have no regrets.
3. I once had Aiken and Seacrest living together and I tried to force them into the love that dare not speak its name, but they refused to get in bed with each other and just stayed awake until one of them got so tired he fell asleep on the driveway. Then one of them lit fireworks in the house and it caught on fire. I was not a part of this relationship. I was trying to live vicariously. Don’t judge me.
4. That Zachary Quinto, always dreaming of unicorns.
5. Robert Downey Jr. was always going to work in his underwear and aspired to be some sort of robot scientist. Something about that rings true to real life.
6. Ryan Seacrest (yes, again, don’t judge me). I loved him so. We had many children and grandchilren. But then he got electrocuted while fixing the TV set and died. Serves him right though. I told him to call someone to fix it.
7. Kelly Clarkson. Don’t judge me! There is no homophobia in Simland. Also, that hussy made out with every person she met. It was like our lesbian love meant nothing to her.
8. Ace Young. In Sims 2, you had to impress the headmaster in order to get your kids into private school. So, I flirted with him. Ace slapped me. That bastard wouldn’t even let me explain before he left me.
9. David Cook. We’ve had many Sim marriages and every one is excellent and amazing. Sim Me even thinks about him while she makes out with him. That means something special.
I think with this new edition coming out I will again marry David Cook and probably Bilbo Baggins (don’t judge!). I have a new crush on Chris Pratt so there’s that too. And doesn’t everybody aspire to be Mrs. Benedict Cumberbatch? I could also marry my real life soon-to-be husband, but that would probably only lead to a real life divorce. Tell us, who have you married in The Sims and who will you marry in the future?