Previously on Game of Thrones, Valar Dohaeris
Bran’s running through the woods and chasing the three-eyed raven so we know it’s a dream. He flashes back to his brothers, Jon and Robb, mocking his archery skills. And for one brief, glorious moment we hear Ned Stark’s voice, chastising his sons. Ah, the good old days. A boy appears and tells Bran he can’t kill the raven because the raven is him. When he awakens, Bran tries to tell Osha about his dream but doesn’t want to hear anything about black magic dreams.
Robb is kissing with his wife when Lord Bolton comes in with two bits of news. Bad news and worse news: Lady Catelyn’s father has died. Also, by the time Bolton’s bastard got to Winterfell, it had been torched, everyone dead. Bran and Rickon are nowhere to be found. Catelyn wants to know if Robb has heard any demands from Theon…
… cut to Theon being tortured on a rack. He had that coming. I do not feel sorry for him.
We get our first look at Brienne and Jaime as they now travel by foot to Kings Landing, trekking through the woods to avoid the main roads. They do come across a traveler headed to Riverrun (Catelyn’s father’s land) who tries to make small talk with them. When he leaves, Jaime says they should kill him in case he recognized Jaime, but Brienne refuses. We also get some serious gay bashing as Jaime makes fun of Renly. The best line, “It’s a shame the throne isn’t made of cocks; they’d have never got him off of it.”
As Joffrey is fitted for his wedding clothes, Cersei tries to have a conversation about Margaery Tyrell. It’s a shame that Joffrey won’t listen to the very good advice Cersei is trying to give him: question Margaery’s motives, but… no. Wait. We hate Joffrey. His ignorance is our bliss.
Shae tries to warn Sansa about Littlefinger, as Roz instructed. Sansa assures her that Littlefinger has never been improper and is only nice to her because he loved Catelyn. As usual, Sansa is an awful judge of character. Loras Tyrell arrives to escort Sansa to lunch with Margaery and their grandmother, Lady Olenna of House Tyrell a.k.a, The Queen of Thorns. And thorns is right. This lady is sharp. And after plying Sansa with lemon cakes, she gets Sansa to admit that Joffrey is a douchebag.
Robb and his men head to Riverrun. Not only do they need to pay their respects for his dead grandfather, but his uncle Edmure has men they can use. Rickard Karstark is allowed to speak his mind and tells Robb that he believes they lost the war the moment Robb got married. Speaking of Robb’s wife whose name I can never remember, she tries bonding with Catelyn. Catelyn tells her a story about praying for Jon Snow’s death when he was a baby, only to feel bad when Jon actually got sick, so she prayed that he would get well and she’d never treat him poorly if he did. We all know how that turned out. Catelyn blames the fact that she was a bitch to Jon his whole life for all the misfortune her family has had. Maybe. But let’s also give credit to the Stark’s poor decision making skills.
Beyond the wall, Mance Raydar brags to Jon Snow about how he got all the free people – various clans, cave people, giants, etc. – to march together: He told them they would all die if they didn’t. Yup. That’ll do it. A member of their party looks like he’s having a seizure or some kind of fit, but he’s not. He’s a warg – he can go into the minds of animals and see what they see. This time, he sees dead crows at the Fist of the First Men.
Sam and the other Night’s Watch men are traveling back to The Wall. Sam has just about given up. He’s whimpering. He’s crying. He’s down on his knees. It’s at this point in the books when I really started to hate Sam. Commander Mormont forbids Sam from dying. He puts a really mean guy in charge of making sure Sam survives the trip. Yeah, that will end well.
While Rickon and Hodor are off looking for food, Osha and Bran are visited by the boy in Bran’s vision and his sister Meera. Bran is confused when the boy, Jojen Reed, knows his direwolf’s name. Jojen tells Bran they’ve come a long way to find him, and they have much farther to go.
Also traveling, Gendry gives Arya a hard time for wasting her Three Jaqen H’ghar Death Wishes and not ordering the deaths of Joffrey or Tywin. Before she can put her sword up his ass, they hide when they hear a man singing in the distance. (He’s singing The Rains of Castamere, by the way. Love that song.) Turns out, they’re The Brotherhood Without Banners, led by Thoros of Myr – they’re the men Ned Stark sent out to find The Mountain when he was out causing trouble for Tywin in season one. However, Arya doesn’t know that. They invite the trio – Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie – to eat and then they can be on their way.
Hardheaded Shae is in Tyrion’s room waiting for him. She isn’t happy to know that Tyrion once had sex with Roz. This after she tells Tyrion about Roz’s Littlefinger warning. At this point, I’m also starting to not like Shae. She knows someone tried to kill Tyrion. She knows it’s dangerous to be there. But still, she’s there, giving Tyrion a blowjob. *sigh*
Margaery visits with Joffrey and we think she’s finally going to get a glimpse of Joffrey’s sadistic side, but she’s smarter and more experienced than Sansa. She quickly flips the conversation about her marriage to the traitor Renly Baratheon into more gay bashing! Joffrey is all too willing to talk about Renly’s deviance. Margaery also gets on Joffrey’s good side by being in awe of his new weapon. Gone is Hearteater. Joffrey now has a new badass crossbow, Shooter of Pointy Things.
Back to Theon being tortured. The men want to know why he took Winterfell. He tells them everything: how he wanted to bring glory to his father’s name, how he hated the Starks for keeping him, how he wanted to capture the North while it was vulnerable. He even tells them how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but they keep on torturing him. When the torturers leave, a boy with a mop tells Theon he was sent by Theon’s sister and he’ll come back for him when the castle sleeps.
Jojen tells Bran that Bran is a warg. He also has special gifts and sees things. His father knew Ned Stark and cried when Ned was killed. The Reeds want to help Bran because he’s special.
Arya and crew eat with The Brotherhood in a tavern. They’re about to leave when a prisoner is brought in. It’s The Hound! Arya tries to sneak past, but he spots her. The Hound asks Thoros of Myr, “What in seven hells are you doing with the Stark bitch?”
Shit just got real.
Brienne and Jaime are crossing a bridge, which makes Brienne nervous because they’re so exposed. While pretending he needs to rest, Jaime manages to grab one of her swords and cut his ropes. They duel. Eventually, Brienne gets the best of him, but it’s too late – Bolton’s men arrive. They’re with the traveler who fingers Jaime as The Kingslayer. Jaime tries to bribe them to take him home, but Bolton’s crew know that Robb would be grateful for the return of Jaime Lannister.