Previously on Game of Thrones, Dark Wings, Dark Words
Catelyn’s dead father is being set adrift down the river. One of his sons, Edmure, tries three times to hit his death boat with a flaming arrow, but fails each time. Finally, Blackfish (Brynden) Tully – Catelyn’s uncle – pushes him aside and does it on the first shot.
Edmure also screwed up because he took the fight to The Mountain instead of drawing him into the west as instructed. He reckons it was worth it – even though The Mountain got away – because they took two Lannister children hostage and gained a mill. Robb points out that it was actually very much NOT worth it because they lost 208 men and gained a mill and two Lannisters no one gives two fucks about.
Tywin gathers Varys, Littlefinger, Cersei, Maester Pycell, and Tyrion. Littlefinger is to head to the Vale to marry Catelyn’s sister Lysa. While he is gone, Tyrion will serve as Master of Coin.
Jaime and Brienne are traveling prisoners. Jaime gives her a bit of sage rape advice: Let them do it or they’ll kill you.
The Brotherhood Without Banners have stopped at an inn – the same one along The Kingsroad where Micah was killed by The Hound. As he’s loaded in a wagon for travel, Arya asks The Hound if he remembers the last time he was there, clearly wanting him to remember what he’d done. He doesn’t. Hot Pie has decided to stay on at the inn. Apparently, he’s good at baking bread or something.
Robb’s wife patches up the two Lannister children who are hostages. One asks if it’s true that Robb turns into a wolf and eats people. She playfully tells them that he does, but only during a full moon.
Mance Rayder, Jon Snow, and crew make it to the Fist of the First Men. There are dead horse carcasses everywhere, but no dead crows as the warg saw. That means they’ve turned into wights. Mance instructs Giantsbane, Jon, and some others to go to the wall and wait for his signal. When he lights the biggest fire the north has ever seen, they’re to take Castle Black.
The surviving Night’s Watch, led by Commander Mormont make it back to Craster’s. He reluctantly puts them up while his daughter-wives watch. One wails in the background. Sam goes to investigate and finds she’s giving birth… to a boy. We know what that means.
The kind janitor boy frees Theon. Theon promises to make him a Lord of the Iron Islands for his help. The boy reminds him they’re not in the Iron Isles.
Melisandre is leaving and Stannis isn’t happy about it. He wants the Iron Throne and he wants another son. He wants to have sex with her again, but she basically tells him he’s not ready for that jelly. There are others with his blood and sacrifices need to be made to get him on the throne. Cryptic, much?
Dany negotiates with the slave trader in Astapor. She wants all 8,000 Unsullied plus the ones in training. After some back and forth, she agrees to give up one dragon. Ser Selmy is against the whole idea of buying slaves and Ser Jorah doesn’t want her to give up a dragon. Dany strikes a deal that includes the pretty translator, Missandei, too. Later, she tells her advisors to never question her in front of strangers again.
Tyrion buys Podrick some whores for a few hours, but he and Bronn are amazed to later learn that Podrick was so good in bed, the prostitutes refused the gold. They sit down to drink and learn all about Podrick’s skillz.
Theon arrives at where he thinks he’s going to meet his sister, but he’s hunted down by his captors instead. Before they can fuck him into the ground rape him, he’s rescued by the janitor boy who saved him. “Come, my Lord. You’re a long way from home and winter is coming.”
(I may have swooned at that point. OK. I did. I love Iwan Rheon!)
Bolton’s men are resting for the night and making plans to rape Brienne. As she is carried off screaming, Jaime looks like he feels bad about the whole thing. He tells the leader that Brienne’s father is the Lord of Tarth, a place known for mining sapphires. She’s more valuable alive and unharmed. Brienne is once again tied to a tree, unraped. Jaime tries to strike another deal by which father will make his captors very rich men if he’s returned. It seems like a deal is struck and Jaime is ushered to a table for dinner as Brienne watches.
It’s all a lie though as the leader tells Jaime his family’s name and money won’t get him out of this. And to make sure Jaime understands just how fucked he is, he chops off Jaime’s right hand.
What did you think of tonight’s episode?