Previously on Game of Thrones “Walk of Punishment”
This week picks up shortly after last week’s ended with Jaime and Brienne traveling with their captors, led by Locke. Jaime is forced to wear his right hand around his own neck. When Jaime falls off of his horse, he’s furthered humiliated by being given horse piss to drink instead of water. Because he’s Jaime, he manages to get a sword and does his best to take on his tormentors in his weakened state and missing a hand. Brienne tries to interject. Jaime is defeated and warned he’ll lose his other hand if he tries that again.
Tyrion meets with Varys in his room. He wants proof that Cersei tried to have him killed at Blackwater, but Varys has none. He does have the story of how he lost his penis: When Varys was a boy he traveled with a troupe of actors who sold him to a sorcerer for a ritual in which his privates were cut off and burned while the sorcerer chanted. Varys heard a voice answer the sorcerer’s call and that voice has haunted him more than the fire or the cutting. That’s why he aided Tyrion against Stannis and Melisandre – he ain’t down with the magic. He advises Tyrion to bide his time, grow his influence as Varys did, and revenge will be his. And then he reveals that he has the sorcerer in a crate in his room. Varys will finally get his revenge. And just like that, Varys is scary as fuck.
At Craster’s, some of the men of the Night’s Watch are grumbling about being denied food and forced to work while Craster watches them starve and feed his pigs better. Most of this is led by Rast, the brother tasked with keeping Sam alive on their journey, yet also the one who really wants to kill Sam, who he calls “piggy.”
Sam meets with Gilly and her unnamed baby. She won’t name him because she knows Craster will just offer him up to the White Walkers. If Sam can’t help her save the baby’s life, she has no time for Sam.
Bran dreams of chasing the three-eyed crow and climbing a tree to find it. Catelyn appears and chastises Bran for climbing again. He falls in his dream and wakes up in a sweat.
Ros fills Varys in on Podrick’s sexual talents. Littlefinger is too busy preparing for his trip to see and court Lady Aryn to notice he lost money on Podrick. Ros reveals that Littlefinger is bringing two feather beds on his voyage. They surmise that he plans on taking Sansa with him.
Joffrey and Cersei take the Lady Olenna and Margery on a tour of the septon where the wedding will take place. When the people of the capital are heard chanting outside, Margery convinces Joffrey to step outside and wave to his people. Before Cersei can stop it, that’s exactly what he does. As the crowd chants Margery’s name, she encourages Joffrey to wave. Cersei side-eyes.
Theon’s savior leads him through the sewers of the place he’s supposed to meet Yara. There, Theon admits that he didn’t kill the Stark boys and that he chose wrong when his father gave him a choice in betraying Robb. He notes that “my real father died in King’s Landing.” (He’s talking about Ned Stark, in case you missed it.) Instead of leading Theon to his sister, it turns out the rescuer has returned him to the torture room where he is blamed for killing the others in the woods and then tied back to the rack.
Around the fire, Brienne encourages Jaime to eat and not wallow and die after his first taste of “the real world.”In Jaime’s defense, losing a hand seems like a pretty acceptable reason to puss out. I’m just saying. She wants to know why he saved her from getting raped, but he doesn’t answer.
Cersei meets with Tywin to find out what’s being done to save Jaime. Tywin points out that he started a war when Catelyn took “the stump,” so she should rest assured that he’s doing all he can to get back Jaime. When she tries to express her concerns about the Tyrell’s, Tywin says he has them (and Joffrey) until control.
Varys meets with Lady Olenna. He puts a bug in her ear about Littlefinger taking Sansa. If Robb dies, Sansa is heir to the north. If Littlefinger has Sansa, he has the north. They have to devise a plan to stop that. When Margery meets with Sansa, we learn that the plan involves Margery suggesting that Sansa marry Loras. Shady, shady.
The Night’s Watch men burn one of their own who died of a broken foot, but really starvation as Craster is still being cheap with the food. Two of them in particular (including Rast) make sure the others know that they’re being treated poorly by a man who is nothing more than a wildling. Inside, while Craster speaks with Lord Mormont, the men come inside to warm up. Craster advises Lord Mormont to leave some of them there with him and he’ll cut their throats and put them out of their misery. Rast starts talking back. Another calls Craster a bastard. Craster threatens to cut the hands off the next one to call him a bastard.
And then he’s called a daughter-fucking (true), wildling (true) bastard.
Craster charges and is stabbed and killed. Lord Mormont draws his sword and is stabbed in the back by Rast. He tries to strangle Rast, but dies before he can. Rast repeatedly stabs his corpse. The Men of the Night’s Watch are now fighting each other. Sam takes off to get Gilly and her baby. Sam ain’t about that life.
The Brotherhood Without Banners lead Arya, Gendry, and The Hound (all with hoods over their heads) to their secret camp… er cave. There they meet the groups’ leader Beric Dondarrion, rocking an eye patch. The Hound points out that they’re all deserters from the war. TBWB have all been reborn under the one true God, The Lord of Light. (The same god Melisandre follows) They try to put the deaths of the Targaryen family and their babies on The Hound, but he points out that it was his brother (The Mountain) who did that. Arya speaks up: The Hound killed Micah the butcher’s boy. He explains that he was protecting Joffrey, as was his duty. Arya says she’s the one who attacked Joffrey and Micah just ran. The Hound reasons that he should have killed Arya, but it wasn’t his place to question the prince, just protect him. Beric sentences The Hound to trial by duel since they don’t know the truth and The Lord of the Light will decide his fate if he’s innocent. He then says that he will be the one fighting The Hound.
(And here’s where I am torn. I love The Brotherhood, but I also love The Hound.)
In Astapor, Dany arrives to claim her 8,000 Unsullied. She takes one of her dragons from his cage and hands his leash to Kraznys. In turn, he gives her the whip that controls the Unsullied. Once she confirms the deal is complete, Dany speaks Valyrian, which shocks EVERYONE. She tells Kraznys that her mother tongue is Valyrian for she is Daenerys Stormborn of the house Targaryen, motherfucker! She then instructs the Unsullied to kill every master, but harm no children. Then she gives her dragon the order to light Kraznys’ ass up!
It is probably one of the best scenes of the entire series so far. AND I need to point out that the funniest part of this is that Ser Jorah has NO FUCKING IDEA what Dany is saying during all of this, but he and Ser Barristan Selmy draw their swords anyway because one knows when shit’s about to get real, no matter the language.
Once the fighting is done, she tells the Unsullied they are now free men and asks if they will fight for her as such. As they tap their spears in unison, we can only take that to mean one thing: They’re down for whatever.
Daenarys rides off with her new army (and her dragons flying overhead), dropping the whip like a mic.