Previously on Game of Thrones “The Climb”
Beyond The Wall
Jon and the free folk continue to Castle Black. Jon tries to warn Ygritte that the fight won’t be easy, but she has confidence in Mance Rayder. The warg and Jon have a tense moment as Jon confronts him about cutting the rope on The Wall.
“I cut her loose, too. You don’t see her sulking about it.”
The warg warns Jon that he doesn’t understand the way things are like they do, and that is why he’ll never hold on to Ygritte. Then he walks away with a satisfied smirk, knowing that he got to Jon.
Later, as they stop to rest, Thormund Giantsbane gives Jon some sex advice. Um, Jon doesn’t seem to need any help with that considering how strung out and possessive Ygritte has been. I’m just saying.
As they continue on, the warg chats with Ygritte and basically admits that he has feelings for her. He warns that she won’t love pretty Jon Snow when she finds out what he really is.
Catelyn, her brothers, Robb, and Talia are in Robb’s tent. Catelyn starts to express mistrust over the agreement with Walder Frey, but is brushed aside. When they leave, Robb and Talia make love. Afterwards, she confesses that she’s pregnant.
Dear Diary, Life Sucks
Sansa cries on Margaery’s shoulder. She’s not getting the happy ending she always dreamed of. Instead, she has to marry Tyrion. Margaery tries to tell her that Tyrion isn’t that bad; he’s the best of the Lannisters, in fact.
When Margaery reminds Sansa that her son will be the Lord of Casterly Rock and Lord of the North someday, there’s pure comedy as Sansa realizes she’ll have to have sex with Tyrion to get pregnant.
As Margaery tries to explain that all kinds of men can be attractive and know how to please a woman, you get the impression that Margaery has been around the block a few times. When Sansa asks if Margaery is so wise in the ways of men because her mother taught her, you can see the moment Margaery realizes just how naive Sansa really is. “Yes, sweet girl. My mother taught me.”
How Did Marrying a Whore Work Out For You the First Time?
Bronn advises Tyrion that he shouldn’t sweat his upcoming nuptials too much. He’s a Lord. Sansa’s a Lady. Marry her and keep the whore Shae on the side. Tyrion reasons that he’ll have two women to hate him along with the rest of the realm. Bronn tells him he’s just upset because he’s afraid to admit he really wants to have sex with Sansa.
Isolent Little Shit
Tywin enters the Throne Room, summoned there by Joffrey. King Shit wants to know why he hasn’t been informed on the goings on of the council meetings and why they’re being held in Tywin’s quarters. Tywin basically shuts all that shit down by simply climbing the steps to the throne and standing over Joffrey.
Next, Joffrey wants to know if the rumors of Dany and her dragons are true. Tywin confirms they are. This visibly frightens Joffrey and he wants to know what’s being done about it. Tywin tells Joffrey to calm his tits. He’s got this.
Breaker of Chains, Making Friends Wherever She Goes
Daenerys and her army approach the city of Yunkai. Ser Jorah warns that messing with the slave city will bring her no closer to Westeros or her throne. There are several hundred thousands of slaves in that city and she means to free them. She sends Grey Worm to the city with the instructions that she will burn the city like Astapor if they don’t free their slaves.
They send a representative for peace talks. He arrives in a carriage carried by slaves. He pretty much shits himself when he sees Dany’s dragons.
They offer up boxes of gold as a gifts as well as ships filled with gold. In return, they want her to mind her damn business as far as their slaves are concerned. She offers him the gift of his life in return for the release of the town’s slaves. He threatens that Yunkai has powerful friends. When the dragons scream and hiss at him, the representative takes his leave… without the gold. Dany instructs Jorah to find out who these powerful friends are.
Shae the Funny Whore
Tyrion tries to buy Shae’s forgiveness with gold. She ain’t having it. She’s not happy about Tyrion’s upcoming wedding. Tyrion tries to explain it’s duty, not desire that prompts his marriage to Sansa. Shae says they should just leave, but he refuses. He offers her a life as a kept woman, but oddly enough, for a whore, Shae ain’t about that life.
Melisandre sails across Blackwater, which is still showing the signs of damage from the wildfire. She points out the castle and reveals to Gendry that he is Robert Baratheon’s son and that the blood of kings is in his veins. Gendry is shocked.
Brotherhood of Lies
When The Brotherhood Without Banners get word that some Lannister men are less than a day’s journey away, they mount up to go fight. Arya is furious because it’s in the opposite direction of Riverrun. She doesn’t want to hear any of Beric’s promises of taking her to her brother and mother and runs off.
She runs into the woods and into the arms of The Hound. “Kick all you want, wolf girl. It won’t do you any good.”
Ser Jaime Makes a Promise
Jaime says goodbye to Brienne and acknowledges that he owes her debt. She tells him to return the Stark girls to their mother and she’ll consider the debt paid. He promises. “Goodbye, Ser Jaime.” He is visibly touched that she used his name and not “Kingslayer.”
As Jaime prepares to leave he assures Lord Bolton he will tell his father what Bolton did for him. Maester Qyburn, who tended to Jaime’s wounds upon his arrival at Harrenhal, will be traveling with him to continue his care on their journey. Qyburn is hoping that Tywin will restore his chains in exchange for helping Jaime.
The Best (?) Kind of Torture
Theon is untied from the cross and tended to by two women who flirt with him. One sticks her hand down his pants. Oh, Theon. Don’t do it. Of course, after some hesitation and a few pleas to be let go, he starts to go with it as one gets on top of him.
His torturer arrives, blowing a horn, putting an end to the sex, and asking if Theon’s kibbles and bits are as impressive as the rumors suggest. He then instructs his men to hold Theon down while he cuts off Theon’s penis. Theon screams and begs for mercy.
You’re Mine and I’m Yours
There’s some cute flirting between Jon and Ygritte as they continue on. You can see he really cares for her and that’s probably why he warns her that they won’t win against the realm. In a thousand years, the people beyond the wall have tried six times to take over and each time they’ve failed. The seventh time won’t be any different. Ygritte goes right back into crazy overly attached girlfriend mode and tells him, “You’re mine and I’m yours. If we die, we die. But first, we’ll live.”
When Osha learns that Jojen is advising Bran to travel beyond the wall to find the three-eyed raven, she loses her shit. She knows beyond the wall is no place for them because her love was turned into a wight by the White Walkers and came back to their hut and tried to kill her. She had to burn their hut down with him inside. She is not going back. She promised she’d get Bran to Castle Black and that’s as far as she’ll go.
What’s The Purpose of a Man With No Hand?
As Maester Qyburn tends to Jaime’s stump, Jaime learns that he was stripped of his chains because he performed experiments on dying men without their permission. He also learns that Locke, the man who cut off Jaime’s hand and leads The Brave Companions, will be in charge of Brienne while Lord Bolton is gone for the Frey/Tully wedding. Locke will rape, torture, and kill Brienne because he sees her father’s 300 gold ransom as an insult considering her father has access to so much sapphire. Jaime realizes his lie will get Brienne killed and convinces his escorts to return to Harrenhal.
When they arrive, Jaime finds Brienne in a pit and fighting for her life against a giant bear while Locke and his men watch and cheer. She was given nothing but a wooden sword to defend herself. Jaime offers to pay anything for Brienne, but Locke refuses.
Jaime jumps down in the pit and instructs Brienne to get behind him. One of Jaime’s escorts shoots arrows at the bear. He was charged with getting Jaime back to King’s Landing alive, and that’s what he intends to do. This gives Jaime and Brienne time to climb out of the pit with some assistance from the men above.
When Locke tries to jump bad, Jaime reminds him that he can’t touch him and tells him he is taking Brienne with him. Locke backs down and Jaime and Brienne leave.
The Rains of Castamere plays and my heart bursts in a million pieces.