Previously on Game of Thrones “The Bear and the Maiden Fair”
You Got One Shot; Better Make It a Good One
As The Hound sleeps, Arya approaches him with a huge rock. She means to bring it down upon his head. He opens his eyes and tells her that she has one shot and she better kill him, or else he’ll cut off her hands. Arya ain’t about that life; the rock’s not THAT big.
They’re riding on when he tells her that she’s actually lucky to be with him. The road’s aren’t safe and rape sucks. Just ask your sister, if you ever see her again. At first, she doesn’t believe him when he explains he saved Sansa from not just being raped, but super raped, and even went back for her before he left. When they approach a body of water, Arya asks if it’s Blackwater and we’re reminded that she has no idea what has happened in King’s Landing. The Hound says it’s The Fork and they’re not headed to King’s Landing (“Fuck Joffrey. Fuck the Queen.”) He’s taking her to The Twins. Arya’s shocked to learn that her mother and brother are there for her uncle’s wedding to a Frey. The Hound means to ransom her to her family.
I’m Just a Young Girl Not Wise in the Ways of War
Dany meets with two captains and a lieutenant of The Second Sons, a group of sell-swords working for Yunkai and the friends referenced in the last episode. The two captians, including The Titan’s Bastard, are extremely rude to her and refuse Dany’s offer to pay them to fight for her instead of the city. When they take their leave, Dany orders Ser Barristan to kill The Titan’s Bastard first if they should go to battle.
Back at Dragonstone
Gendry arrives with Melisandre and meets his uncle Stannis. Stannis takes one look at him and accepts him as Robert’s bastard. Melisandre orders Gendry to quarters where he is to be made comfortable.
Stannis wonders why she’s going to be so good to him if she only means to kill him for his blood. She says much like slaughtering a lamb, you don’t want him afraid first as it will taint his blood. O-KAY.
Hooked On Phonics
Davos is in his cell practicing his reading as Stannis’ daughter taught him. Stannis arrives and tells Davos about Melisandre’s plans for Gendry. He agrees to set Davos free if he swears to never take up arms against Melisandre again. He does, but says he will continue to give Stannis honest counsel and he starts with telling Stannis it is wrong to harm Gendry. He reckons that Stannis already knows that and that’s why he came to Davos because he knew Davos would set him straight. Stannis admits he saw a war in the snow coming when he looked into the flames. He knows that Davos saw Melisandre’s smoke baby. How can he still deny her god?
The Titan’s Bastard, the other captain of The Second Sons, and Daario Naharis (the one who wasn’t rude to Dany), discuss Dany’s offer. The first two decide that one of them should sneak into Dany’s tent and kill her. They draw coins and Daario gets to do the deed.
The Quietest, Most Awkward, Least Celebrated Wedding in the History of Westeros
It’s Sansa’s big day and she ain’t happy. Tyrion goes to her quarters and asks for a moment alone with her. Shae leaves while giving Tyrion the stink eye. Tyrion tries to reassure Sansa and it’s all very sweet.
In the church, Margaery tries to be friendly towards Cersei, linking arms with her as they walk. She says they’re going to be sisters. Cersei tells her the story of the Reynes of Castamere. The Reynes rebelled against the Lannisters and her father had their entire family killed. She quotes a line from the song The Rains of Castamere: “And now the rain weeps o’er their halls, and not a soul to hear.” She tells Margaery if she ever calls them sisters again she will have her strangled in her sleep.
As if being forced to marry a Lannister weren’t enough, Sansa is being given away by Joffrey. “Your father is gone. As father of the realm, it is my duty.” What a dickhole.
When they reach the altar, Joffrey removes the stool placed for Tyrion so when it’s time for him to cloak the bride for protection, he has to ask Sansa to kneel a bit. This draws laughter.
Demon Spawn Part Deux
After some small talk about how they were both raised poor and forced to eat horrible things, Melisandre seduces Gendry. She pauses their sex session long enough to tie him to the bed. Appropriately, he freaks out when she sets three leeches upon his body, including his private parts.
Davos and Stannis enter and Melisandre says she’s going to prove the power of king’s blood to Davos. She removes the leeches and watches as Stannis tosses them into the fire, one by one, and says, “The usurper Robb Stark. The usurper Balon Greyjoy. The usurper Joffrey Baratheon.”
I’m My Brother’s Grandmother Cousin!
At the wedding reception, The Queen of Thrones rightfully points out that Loras will be his sister’s stepfather and the uncle/grandfather of any children Margaery may have with Joffrey. I don’t even think she’s drunk. She’s just that damn funny.
Sansa excuses herself from the table with Tyrion as she can’t stand to see him getting wasted. Joffrey follows her against his mother’s advice. Tywin reminds Tyrion that he better not get too drunk that he can’t put a baby in Sansa that very night. On the balcony, Loras tries to make small talk with Cersei, but she shuts that shit down. Joffrey threatens to rape Sansa in her wedding bed after Tyrion passes out because he’s an asshole.
Joffrey calls for the bedding ceremony where men carry off the bride while removing her clothes and women do the same to the groom. Tyrion says there will be no bedding ceremony. When Joffrey insists, Tyrion threatens to cut off Joffrey’s wee little winkie. The hall goes into a shocked silence as Joffrey asks Tyrion to repeat himself. Tywin smooths the moment over by reminding the king that his uncle is drunk, and Tyrion and Sansa head off to their quarters.
As Sansa disrobes, after downing some wine of her own, Tyrion tells her to stop. He will not bed her until she wants him to. She wonders what happens if she never wants him to.
He Said He Fights For Beauty
Missandei bathes Daenerys in her tent. Dany marvels over the fact that Missandei can speak 19 languages. She helps Dany with a bit of Dothraki as it’s gotten a bit rusty. When Missandei steps away, she is grabbed by Daario Naharis, who is dressed like an Unsullied.
He admits he was sent to kill her, but isn’t going to do it. When she wonders what his two captains would say about that, he deposits their heads from the bag he is carrying. He pledges his sword and life to her.
The Morning After
When Shae comes to bring the newlyweds their breakfast she is pleased to note that the bedsheets show no signs of sexing.
He-He He-He- He-He Dropped the Knife
Gilly, Sam, and the baby travel through the snow and come upon an abandoned hut. They stop to make camp for the night. Sam tries to build a fire again, but can’t. Gilly makes the fire for them as Sam once again encourages her to give the baby a name. She doesn’t know many boy names, being raised with a bunch of sister wives… literally. Sam explains how first and last names work and admits that his father wasn’t a very nice man.
They hear a commotion outside as dozens of ravens rest on the rooftop of the house, squawking loudly. Sam goes outside to investigate because, well, Sam is stupid.
In the distance, a White Walker approaches. Gilly screams that it’s coming for her baby. Sam tries to stand bravely, but the White Walker shatters Sam’s sword just by squeezing it. He tosses Sam aside and approaches Gilly. Sam pulls the shiny black dagger he found at The Fist of the First Men. He charges and stabs the White Walker in the back. It screams, drops to its knees, and breaks into a bunch of pieces.
Sam and Gilly take off running, the ravens flying behind them.
Way to go, Sam! Except, you left the damn dagger.
No new Game of Thrones next week as it’s Memorial Day Weekend. See you in two weeks as we jump into the penultimate season 3 episode!