Previously on Game of Thrones, ‘Mhysa’
Break The Ice
Tywin Lannister has Ned’s massive sword, Ice, melted down and reforged into two smaller swords. What adds insult to injury is the haunting melody of The Rains of Castamere that plays over the scene. Oh, Ned.
Later, Tywin presents one of the swords to Jaime, who is decked out in his Kingsguard gear. Tywin had someone come over from Valantis to forge the Valyrian steel. Tywin breaks the news that he wants Jaime back at Casterly Rock since he can’t protect the king with one hand. Jaime refuses – he doesn’t want to break another vow. He doesn’t want Casterly Rock, he doesn’t want a wife, he doesn’t want children. Oh, Jaime. You already have children.
Tywin tells him if he wants to be a glorified bodyguard, so be it. So, there is one Lannister child who can defy Tywin. However, that may not matter much since Tywin disowns him for this decision.
Tyrion, Bronn, and Podrick are waiting for the Prince of Dorne on the road into Kings Landing. Tyrion talks about the bad blood between the Martells and the Lannisters. Bronn wonders if they sent Tyrion in case the Martells wish to spill some Lannister blood, but Tyrion insists it’s because he’s a known diplomat. When the party arrives, Tyrion learns that the prince’s health isn’t too well, so he remained in Dorne and sent his brother instead. And his brother has been in town since the night before.
Tyrion correctly guesses that Oberyn Martell is at the brothel.
Of note in this scene: Bronn is still hilarious (He speculates that an approaching sigil has yellow balls on it.) and Pod really knows his house sigils.
The Red Viper
Oberyn Martell is checking out the wares with his consort, Ellaria Sand. They pick a flexible and outgoing whore to pleasure Elleria, and Oberyn is about to insist that the male procurer join the party when he hears two men singing The Rains of Castamere in the next room.
Ellaria tries to keep him from getting into a fight, but unfortunately for the Lannister men in the next room, it doesn’t work. He stabs one in the wrist and Tyrion and Bronn arrive soon after. Tyrion and Oberyn go outside to talk in private. Oberyn guesses that Joffrey would be insulted with his presence as he’s just the second Martell son. When Tyrion presses him to explain why he’s there, Oberyn recounts the story of his sister, Elia, who was married to Rhaegar and butchered along with her children by The Mountain when the Lannisters sacked the city. If The Mountain killed his sister, it was under Tywin’s orders. He wants Tywin to know he’s there and that the Lannisters aren’t the only ones who repay their debts.
The casting of Oberyn is perfection!
Daenerys watches as her dragons fight over a goat and when she tries to shush them, the red one snaps at her and flies away. Ser Friend Zoned, I mean Ser Jorah tells her that they’re dragons and won’t be tamed… even by their mother.
Daenerys walks through her many Unsullied and the Yunkai people she freed to find Daario and Grey Worm are having a contest: Who can hold up their swords the longest? They’ve been at it since midnight. She puts an end to that right quick. Daario teases Grey Worm for having feelings for Missandei, but Grey Worm points out that Daario isn’t the smartest.
I miss the old Daario already, but this one will do. I guess.
Poor Lady Sansa
Sansa refuses to eat. She ignores Shae’s offerings of food. When Tyrion arrives to talk to his wife, Shae takes way too long to skid daddle like he asks. Sansa knows what they did to her family’s bodies after they were murdered. Tyrion tries to comfort her by pointing out what a strong woman Catelyn was, but Sansa wants to go to the Godswood to be alone. Not because she prays, but because it’s the only place where people don’t try to talk to her with their bullshit.
Shae The Hard-Headed Whore
Ah, so here’s the Shae I remember not liking in the books. The Shae who is hot-headed and doesn’t listen. The Shae who does stupid shit that could very well get Tyrion killed. She’s in his bed even though he tells her it’s dangerous. She pouts and accuses him of loving Sansa, which he denies. He turns down her offer of sex and she brings up the fact that he tried to buy her off, but he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She raises her voice and stomps off as a woman watches her leave Tyrion’s room.
The Golden Hand
Maester Qyburn is fitting Jaime with a golden hand. After he leaves, Jaime points out that Cersei drinks a lot. No shit, Jaime. She runs through all of her problems as reasons for why she drinks more wine than Olivia Pope. She’s also turning down his sexual advances. It seems she blames him for getting captured because she’s Cersei. Their spat is interrupted when the woman who spied on Shae enters with important news.
Thenns of Terminus
Tormund, Ygritte, and the other wildlings are at their camp when they are joined by Thenns, led by Styr, and sent by Mance Rayder. Tormund doesn’t like Thenns and we can see why: They’re not very friendly. And they eat people.
Jon Snow is still fine as fuck. He’s getting dressed and talking about Robb and how awesome he was. He wanted to hate him, but never could. Sam points out he feels the same way about Jon.
Jon attends a hearing where he answers for what happened beyond The Wall. He admits to killing Halfhand because he asked him to, to gain access to the wildlings. He tells them they’re going to be attacked from the south when Mance attacks from the north with the 100,000 free folk he managed to bring together. Maester Aemon believes Jon and dismisses him to the annoyance of Janos Slynt (ex-head of the City Watch, dismissed by Tyrion.) They won’t be taking his head today.
Sorry About Your Husband
Meagery is picking out wedding jewelry with her grandmother, Lady Olenna, who is still fucking fabulous. Brienne wants a word with the soon-to-be queen. She tells her that a shadow that looked like Stannis murdered her late husband Renly. Brienne doesn’t realize that Maergery has moved past that little bump in the road. She’s right where she intended to be in the first place: marrying the king.
They walk past a ridiculous statue of Joffrey, which leads to…
Joffrey Is Still an Asshole
Jaime is trying to plan the security regarding the upcoming wedding, and Joffrey is being an asshole. He basically dismisses his uncle as useless and taunts him for having a pretty bare entry in the book that keeps the achievements of members of the Kingsguard.
Daario’s Game is Weak, But Working
As Daenerys and Missandei discuss their upcoming arrival at Merreen, Daario interrupts to talk “strategy” with Dany. His strategy is to present her with local flowers (“You must know the land you’re going to rule.”) It seems to work.
They encounter a crucified slave on the road and Jorah points out that there is one at every mile marker between there and Meereen and they are 163 miles away. He wants men to travel ahead and bury them before Dany has to see them, but she insists that she will see each one and they will bury each one without their slave collars.
Jaime and Brienne watch Sansa from afar. Brienne reminds him of his promise to Catelyn, which he points out he can no longer keep because Catelyn is dead and he suspects Arya is as well. She says that he can at least keep Sansa safe and Kings Landing can’t be all that safe for her. He’s not sure if he expects her to kidnap his sister-in-law and take her… where, exactly? He asks if she’s sure they’re not related because since he’s been back every Lannister has been a straight up asshole to him.
Ser Dontos the Drunken Fool
Ser Dontos scares the shit out of Sansa by following her before revealing himself. He thanks her for saving his life on Joffrey’s Name Day. In appreciation, he gives her a necklace that belonged to his mother. At first she refuses, but eventually takes it promising that she’ll wear it with pride.
Arya Wants a Pony
The oddest, best couple on the show are on the road, sharing a horse. Arya wants her own horse because The Hound smells like how you would expect The Hound smells. He tells her he’s going to take her to her Aunt Lysa at The Eyrie in The Vale and sell her. Maybe she will enough money left to buy her niece a pony.
She wonders why he’s so damn broke. Didn’t he steal from Joffrey before he left? Nope. The Hound isn’t a thief. Just a child killer. Hey, a man’s gotta have a code. Just ask Dexter.
They come upon a tavern and The Hound doesn’t want to go in when there are five men inside and he hasn’t eaten. When Arya spots Polliver, one of the men who captured her and took her to Harrenhall, she insists they go in to get her sword back. She marches off before he can stop her and when the door to the tavern opens and they’re spotted, he’s forced to go in.
Polliver doesn’t recognize Arya, but he knows The Hound. He tries to make small talk and brings up The Mountain, which we all know is a sore topic for The Hound. The Hound wants a chicken and Polliver is like, “Cool. Give us the girl and we’ll give your broke ass a chicken.” There’s some back and forth and it ends up with The Hound killing four men and Arya taking Needle back from Polliver. She kills him the same way he killed her friend Lommy last season, reciting his own words back to him before she does.
And then she and The Hound ride off into the sunset, on separate horses, while he eats his chicken.
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Art by Ryan Jacobson