Previously on Game of Thrones, ‘The Lion and the Rose’
Sansa, You In Danger, Girl.
Cersei has Tyrion gripped up by the guards, and it doesn’t take her long to start screaming for Sansa as well. Tywin orders the city shut down, but it’s too late. Ser Dontos and Sansa are hauling ass through the alleyways of Kings Landing and escape on a rowboat. He drops her off at a ship in the fog where she meets her true savior: Peter Baelish. Instead of paying Ser Dontos the gold he promised, Littlefinger has one of his men kill the fool. Sansa thinks Ser Dontos saved her, but LIttlefinger reveals that he hired him and had the family heirloom necklace made a week ago. Littlefinger reminds her of what he warned about everyone in the capital: They’re all liars. He tells her that she’s safe now with him. LIES!
My skin was crawling through that whole scene.
Queen For Half a Day
Margaery wants to know if she’s the queen. Lady Olenna says she’s more queen than she was when she was with Renly, but less than she would be if Joffrey had the courtesy of consummating the marriage before dying. She tells her that she did well with Joffrey, but the next one will be easier to manage.
Gotta School ‘Em Young
Speaking of the next one…
While Joffrey’s body is laid out in the sept, Tywin takes this opportunity to counsel Tommen on how to be a good king, which basically boils down to, “Do whatever the fuck I tell you to do.” As Cersei watches her only son walk off with his grandpa talking to him about the birds and the bees, she also watches as her grip on power loosens.
Jaime arrives and has some alone time with his sister and dead son’s body. She wants him to kill Tyrion, but Jaime insists that Tyrion have his trial. Also Tyrion is his brother, soooo he kinda doesn’t wanna do that. She insists that he do it for their son, but again he refuses. She begins to kiss him, but pulls away. He curses the gods for making him love a hateful woman, and then he forces her to have sex on the floor of the sept… below the body of their dead son.
The Hound a.k.a. Ser Snot Rocket
Arya and The Hound are watering their horses and pondering their next moves. He think he’ll book passage across The Narrow Sea and join The Second Sons. Arya wants to go to Braavos because she has friends there. Badass assassin friends! Anyway, the owner of the land they’re on happens by with his young daughter. After Arya tells them that The Hound is her father and that he fought for House Tully, the man offers them food and shelter for the night.
The Hound and Arya are the.worst.houseguests.ever. The Hound rudely rushes the man through prayer over the meal and then they both take more than their fair share of the food. Their host tells them how bad things are after The Red Wedding – the king’s raiders and all that – and offers them shelter if The Hound will stick around and help him out. He agrees.
The Hound’s word ain’t shit cause the next morning Arya awakens to the sounds of The Hound knocking the man down and taking his money. She jumps in The Hound’s ass. He argues that the man is weak and he’ll be dead before winter. Dead men don’t need silver. “You’re the worst shit in the Seven Kingdoms!,” she screams. I cannot wait until someone pisses me off so I can call them that. He can’t hear her over the sound of counting coins. He does point out that there are a lot of people much worse than him and he wonders how many Starks need to be beheaded before she’ll figure that out.
A Better Life For Gilly
At the wall, Sam is worried about Gilly. There are a hundred celibate Night’s Watch guys who were mostly thieves and rapists before they joined. He wants Gilly to go to Mole’s Town where she’ll be safer. He sets her up with a job in a tavern there in exchange for room and board. She’ll do cooking and cleaning, but no whoring.
I’ll tell you one thing: Gilly’s brother-son sure is cute.
Davos Devises a Plan
Dragonstone is so fucking miserable. It’s raining. It’s dark. It’s cold. And Stannis is a moping bitch. He hands Davos a letter, and after about five minutes Davos is able to read it and learns that Joffrey is dead. Stannis attributes this to the leeches of bastard’s blood that he burned. The bastard that Davos let go. Davos tells him that he has gathered some houses to Stannis’ cause, but they’re not enough. He suggests that Stannis hire The Golden Company, a group of sellswords, but Stannis refuses. He’s okay with blood magic, but he’s above buying swords.
Davos heads off for his reading lesson with Shireen and while there, he gets an idea. He has her start a letter to the Iron Bank of Braavos.
Oberyn Has Many Delights
Oberyn and Ellaria waste no time in getting back to the whorehouse for a big old orgy. Oberyn talks about how the gods made women and men and they both delight him. He advises his young male lover to fuck as much as he can before he gets old and fat. Sound advice if you ask me.
Tywin arrives and asks for a moment alone with Oberyn. Oberyn offers Tywin a seat and it is, quite possibly, the funniest thing ever when Tywin is clearly not about that life.
In exchange for giving Oberyn some alone time with The Mountain, the man who killed his sister and her children, Tywin wants Oberyn to be one of the three judges in Tyrion’s trial and he wants to give him a seat on the small council. They need Dorne to return to the fold because of the Iron Born rebellion and Daenerys and her dragons. They need each other, he says.
Podrick is Ride or Die!
Podrick visits Tyrion in jail and smuggles in some writing tools, food, and candles. He has no word on Shae, and Bronn is being investigated, but he tells Tyrion that his trial will take place in two weeks and reveals who the judges will be: Tywin, Mace Tyrell (who will vote as Tywin says), and Oberyn. Tyrion needs to give Podrick a list of names of people who will testify for him, and Tyrion names Sansa. That’s when he learns that she’s ghost. Sansa had many reasons to kill Joffrey, but Tyrion doesn’t think she did it. Her disappearance was part of the plan to frame him. He wonders if Tywin was behind it because Tommen is more manageable. Cersei wants to hurt him, but she loves her children and wouldn’t harm them, even to get back at him.
Tyrion asks Podrick to tell Jaime to come see him. Podrick admits that he was offered a title if he’d lie and say that Tyrion bought poison and he refused. Tyrion warns Podrick to get the fuck up outta Kings Landing yesterday.
Thenns Gotta Die
The wildlings, including Ygritte and Thormund, plus the Thenns attack a village. They kill everyone except a young boy. Styr tells the boy that he’s going to eat his dead parents. Then he instructs the boy to run to Castle Black and tell them what happened there.
I want Jon Snow to kill that motherfucker FIRST!
The Night’s Watch are trying to figure out what to do when one horn sounds. Rangers are returning. They’d been held at Craster’s by the brothers who turned on them and killed Lord Commander Mormont and Craster. Jon says they need to go take care of those men. He told Mance that they had 1,000 men at Castle Black. If Mance gets to the traitors before they do, he’ll learn that’s a lie.
Daenerys arrives at the gates of Meereen, and as their people watch, a champion rides out to face one of Dany’s champions. He pisses on the ground and says that Daenerys isn’t a woman, but a man who hides his cock in his asshole. She has a plan, but first that champion needs to shut the fuck up and have a seat. Grey Worm, Ser Barriston Selmy, and Ser Jorah all offer to face him, but she can’t risk losing them. Apparently, she has Daario to spare because when he offers, she agrees.
Daario takes out the champion’s horse with a dagger to the head and then slices the man when he falls. The Meereenese archers fire on them and Daario pisses on the ground in return. Daenaerys addresses the crowd, speaking to the slaves. She tells them how she has liberated the slaves of Astapor and Yunkai, and that she can do the same for them. Then she orders her Unsullied to catapult barrels over the city walls. When they break open, they are filled with the collars of the mile marker slaves.
I am naming my next daughter Daenerys Targaryen Stormborn – Mother of Dragons – Khaleesi -The Unburnt – Breaker of Chains – Beyonce.