Previously on Game of Thrones, ‘Breaker of Chains’
Night. Not K-Niggit
Missandei is teaching Grey Worm how to speak and read English, or whatever they’re calling it in this universe. She shares her memories of being taken as a slave when she was five. He doesn’t remember anything before being an Unsullied and has no desire to return to the Summer Isles where he was born. He’s all about killing the masters now. Daenerys interrupts. Grey Worm has a job to do.
Dressed as slaves, Grey Worm and two other Unsullied infiltrate a slave meeting in the sewers of Meereen. Most want to revolt, but some are scared and unsure they’ll be able to do it without proper training and weapons. Grey Worm gives them bags of weapons and explains that with the slaves outnumbering the masters three-to-one, they should be aight.
Note: The show has made a point to add a whole lotta white slaves. Finally.
In the early morning hours, a slave master and his two guards are walking through the alleyways of Meereen when they come upon “Kill The Masters” painted on the wall and see the Targaryen flag draped across a harpy atop the great pyramid. Slaves approach from every direction and take down the master.
The newly free people of Meereen chant “Mhysa” as the slave masters are taken into custody. Ser Barristan advises Daenerys to show mercy to the masters, but she will answer injustice with justice and commands the Unsullied to nail the masters to crosses.
Let Me Take You On a Guilt Trip
Bronn takes a break from
kicking Jaime’s ass training Jaime to lay on a serious guilt trip. They discuss Tyrion’s innocence and Bronn tells Jaime that he only acted as Tyrion’s champion at the Vale because Jaime, his first choice, wouldn’t be there in time. Seeing as how Jaime hasn’t visited in Tyrion in jail, Bronn says if he wants to know how Tyrion is doing, Jaime should find out in person.
The Kingslayer Brothers
Bronn’s words work and Jaime finally visits Tyrion in his cell. They have a candid conversation where Jaime admits that Cersei wants him to kill Tyrion. Tyrion wonders if Jaime is there to do it, and Jaime asks if Tyrion killed Joffrey. The answer to both questions is no. Jaime points out that Tyrion’s case isn’t helped by the fact that Sansa is gone.
Friends Like Me
Creepy Lord Baelish tells Sansa that he’s taking her back to the Vale where he will marry her aunt Lysa. It’s clear that Sansa doesn’t know how batshit insane her Auntie is because she actually looks pleased by this news. He also confesses that he orchestrated Joffrey’s murder to keep the Lannisters unaware of his true nature. Sansa doesn’t believe that he’d risk all that the Lannisters gave him – plus his life – just to confuse them. Littlefinger’s new friends make for better partners, he says, and they really wanted Joffrey dead. It seemed worth it to solidify this new relationship. And who are these friends? Keep reading.
Olenna is an O.G.
Olenna has been not giving a fuck since day one. After telling Margaery about how she connived her way out of marrying a Targaryen – by seducing the man her sister was to marry – she admits to killing Joffrey. She warns her granddaughter that she’ll have to work quickly to get on Tommen’s good side while Cersei is too distracted mourning Joffrey to turn him against her.
Alliser Thorne is an Asshole
Alliser Thorne has denied Jon’s request that they go beyond the wall to take care of the traitors before Mance gets to them. Jon chooses to spend his free time training new recruits, but Alliser reminds him that he’s a steward, not a ranger, and he should be emptying chamber pots.
Janos Slynt warns Alliser that Jon will be Lord Commander one day if he isn’t careful. They’ll need to vote for a new one, and Jon is well liked whereas Alliser is not. He thinks Alliser should send Jon beyond the wall and let the traitors take care of him.
Oh, and guess who’s at The Wall already? Locke, posing as a new recruit. He cozies up to Jon and you just know this isn’t going to end well for someone.
As she downs glasses of wine, Cersei interrogates Jaime about his vow to Catelyn and asks if he’d bring her Sansa’s head if she wanted. She also knows he went to see Tyrion, but won’t hear it when Jaime tries to convince her that their brother didn’t murder Joffrey. She wants four guards outside of Tommen’s door at all times and then she dismisses Jaime like he’s the help.
There is no mention of the rape. It’s almost like it didn’t happen… which is fine with me. Ugh. Make sure to listen to our podcast on this episode later tonight to hear my thoughts on this.
Somebody Call Chris Hansen
Four guards aren’t enough or they didn’t get there quickly enough because Margaery goes tippy-toeing into Tommen’s room. She sits on his bed and strokes his cat, Ser Pounce, and poor Tommen doesn’t know what to do with that much pussy on his bed. He agrees to keep these visits from his future bride a secret.
Jaime gives Brienne the Valyrian sword, new armor, and Podrick as a squire. He wants her to find Sansa and make sure she’s safe. Arya, too, if she’s still alive. Bronn gives Podrick Tyrion’s axe from the Battle at Blackwater. Brienne names the sword Oathkeeper and they take off.
Are we all just going to pretend the show totally didn’t fuck up by turning Jaime into a rapist? Because I’m cool with that.
Sam Got a Big Mouth
Sam is finally realizing that leaving Gilly at a whorehouse in Mole’s Town probably wasn’t a good idea. Too late. Also, Sam told Jon about Bran so Jon’s also anxious to get beyond the wall to find his little brother. Jon realizes that there’s only one place he’d likely be: Craster’s.
Thorne tells Jon he can go to Craster’s, but he’s not going to order any of the men to go with him. They’ll have to volunteer. After a rallying speech, several men agree to go with Jon, and Thorne sits there looking butthurt. Unfortunately, new recruit Locke is allowed to take his vows and go with Jon as well.
Hell at Craster’s
Life at Craster’s is the absolute worst. While Carl Tanner – Seriously? How regular is that name? – drinks wine from Lord Commander Mormont’s skull and rants about everything, the other Night’s Watch traitors are raping Craster’s daughter wives. Dude, you won. You’re drinking out of the man’s skull. No need to keep talking shit. The last of Craster’s children – a baby boy – has been born. Tanner is going to kill it, but one of the women tells him it has to be an offering to the gods.
He instructs one of his men to go feed “the beast” and drop off the baby while he’s out there. At this point I was really hoping “feed the beast” wasn’t a euphemism. After leaving the baby in the snow, the traitor stops by a cage. Ghost! Jon’s direwolf is pissed. He gets even more so when the traitor taunts him by spilling the water his water into the snow. Things get chilly and creepy so the traitor hauls ass back to Craster’s.
Meanwhile, Bran and crew can hear the baby crying so he wargs into Summer to investigate. As Summer, he spots Ghost, but falls into a trap. Bran convinces his companions to go see what’s happened. They spot the Night’s Watch traitors and Meera quickly realizes they need to bounce, but Bran won’t leave without his dire wolf. Before she can leave to find Summer, they’re attacked and surrounded by the traitors.
Poor Hodor is chained up outside and stabbed in the leg. Inside the house, Tanner demands to know who the others are. He knows they’re high born. When Jojen has a seizure, Tanner won’t allow Meera to help him. Bran finally shouts out that he’s Brandon Stark of Winterfell. Tanner thinks things are looking up. I hope Jon kills him twice.
What In The Entire Fuck?
Oh, so remember that baby left in the snow? Well, a White Walker picks it up and carries it off on his zombie horse. He leaves the baby at The Fortress of Solitude where it’s scooped up by a White Walker with pointed crown-like horns on his head. With a touch of his nasty-ass coke nail, the baby’s eyes freeze over to White Walker blue, which really needs to be a Crayola color.