Previously on Game of Thrones, ‘Oathkeeper‘
Long May He Reign
Tommen is crowned the new king of Westeros and I can’t help feeling sorry for the little guy. Let’s face it: Kings don’t last long on this show. Cersei corners Margaery and does something very un-Cersei like. She is nice. She is vulnerable. She is honest. Well, maybe not honest. She does admit that Joffrey was a fucking nightmare and though she isn’t easily shocked, the things he did shocked her. Tommen isn’t like that. He’ll be a good king. Maybe the first good one in a long time. And he’ll need help. She asks Margeary if she still wants to be queen, and Margaery is so slick with it. “I haven’t given it much thought.” Girl, bye.
Bitches Love Ships
At Daenerys’ small council meeting she learns that Joffrey was murdered at his wedding and that Daario took it upon himself to seize Meereen’s royal navy. Why? Because he heard Dany likes ships. Bitches love ships. She also learns that Astapor and Yunkai are both slipping back into their old slavery ways. Even worse, a man named Cleon the Butcher has taken over Yunkai by force. Jorah counsels her to sail for Westeros with her new ships and large army. A young boy sits the throne and it’s ripe for the taking. But how can she rule the seven kingdoms if she can’t keep these newly liberated cities free? She will not be going to Westeros just yet. She will rule first.
Everyone Has That One Crazy Auntie
Ser Creeps a Lot leads Sansa to her aunt’s castle in the Eeyrie. There’s only one way in, surrounded by large mountains, and that makes it a nightmare for anyone wishing to invade. Littlefinger introduces Sansa as his niece, but Lysa knows the real deal. Robin is taller, has a bit more bass in his voice, but the jury is still out on whether or not he’s still being breastfed. After quizzing Sansa on whether or not Tyrion took her virginity, Lysa instructs Robin to show his cousin to her room.
Once alone, Lysa presses Littlefinger on when they can be married. She wants it to happen that night. After all, she’s done everything he’s asked: She poisoned her husband. Wrote to Catelyn and blamed the Lannisters. Wait. What? Littlefnger has been pulling strings for longer than we thought. He agrees to the nuptials and Lysa informs the septon that she’s going to scream like a lunatic when her new husband makes love to her.
And she does, much to the disgust of Sansa who has to listen to it all.
Lysa fills Sansa with lemon cakes and other sweets, and lots of stories about her mother, Catelyn. They’re not very flattering stories. When Sansa asks where the lemons came from, Lysa says that Littlefinger had three crates brought in just for her. And that begs the question, why does Littlefinger care so much for Sansa? She proceeds to berate the poor girl, demanding to know if she’s had sex with Littlefinger.
Jesus. Sansa can’t catch a fucking break. She manages to calm down the lunatic long enough to learn that once Tyrion is killed for killing Joffrey, Sansa will marry Robin. What did I tell you? Not a single fucking break.
Lannisters Always Pay Their Debts… Sometimes
Tywin presses Cersei on when Tommen and Margaery can be married. They decide that two weeks is a respectful length of time. Tywin admits that they need the Tyrells because of their money. The Lannister mines haven’t done shit in three years. The crown owes the Iron Bank of Braavos a tremendous amount of money. Cersei assures him that she’ll do her part (marry off Tommen; marry Loras) if he’ll do his at Tyrion’s trial. He insists he can’t talk about the trial with her as it wouldn’t be proper. She respects his position on the matter, but before she leaves, she manages to slip in one last crack about how Tyrion deserves to die.
Arya and The Hound are making camp for the night. He wants to sleep, but Arya has to read off all the names on her death list and that shit has gotten long. They briefly talk about what they’d do if they ran into his brother, The Mountain, and both agree that fucker needs to die. Once he’s had enough, he demands she goes to sleep, but she has one last name: The Hound.
How the hell he went to sleep after that is beyond me, but he did. And when he wakes up, Arya is gone. He finds her practicing her dance moves by the river. He taunts her about learning to fight from Syrio and demands that she show him her moves. She takes this opportunity to stab him in the gut, but armor beats needle. He backhands her and gives Needle back to her.
The Brienne and Podrick Roadshow
Brienne tries to get Podrick to leave, but he refuses. No amount of talk about how long and dangerous the journey will be will do it. Later, he totally fucks up roasting a rabbit and gets brushed off when he tries to help her remove her armor. She looks at him differently, though, when he tells her he killed a member of the Kingsguard who tried to kill Tyrion. Suddenly, he’s fit to remove her armor.
Of Course Oberyn’s a Poet!
Cersei interrupts Oberyn’s sexy poetry-writing time to show him the gardens. They talk about his eight daughters and how the fifth one is difficult and named after his sister Elia. Cersei points out that as powerful as they both are, they were unable to save those they love. He assures her that Myrcella is happy in Dorne, but Cersei doesn’t believe it. He agrees to have a ship Cersei had built for Myrcella sent to Dorne and to give Myrcella the message that she loves her very much.
Oberyn looks surprised by this softer side of Cersei and I don’t buy this shit for a minute.
Do We Have to Go Back to Craster’s?
Yeah. We do.
Locke is scoping out Craster’s so we know the crows have already made it there. He peeks in the shack where Bran is being kept and then leaves. He reports back that there are 11 deserters and that they should steer clear of the shack, claiming there are hounds tied up inside.
In the shack, Jojen tells Bran that they’re all there to be his guide. Tanner and his men arrive and tie up Meera so it will be easier for them to take turns. Jojen tries unsuccessfully to talk Tanner out of it, offering up his services as a seer instead. Tanner thinks he’ll stick with the gang rape, thank you very much. Jojen warns that he’s seen Tanner die and burn, and the snow falling down upon his bones.
We are spared having three weeks in a row of rape when Jon and his men attack, drawing Tanner’s attention outside the shack. While Jon and his men do work, Locke comes to collect Bran. When Bran realizes that Locke has nothing good planned for him, he wargs into Hodor and uses him to break Locke’s neck. The gang quickly gather up Summer so they can leave and Jojen stops Bran from revealing himself to Jon, stating that Jon will never agree to let Bran continue on his quest.
Jon finds himself alone with Tanner who talks more shit than a little bit while fighting with Jon. One of Craster’s daughter wives helps Jon out by stabbing Tanner in the shoulder blade. When he turns his attention to her, Jon takes that opportunity to put his sword through the back of Tanner’s head.
Rast ran off like a little bitch, but doesn’t get too far before Ghost appears and tackles him. I actually screamed out loud at that part. Ghost and Jon have an adorable reunion and then Craster’s remaining daughter wives instruct the brothers of the Night’s Watch to burn everything down. And that’s what they do.
Here’s this week’s Game of Thrones sketch by Ryan Jacobson Art.