Previously on Game of Thrones, ‘First of His Name’
We get our first look at Braavos and what a sight it is! Stannis and Davos dock along its shores and I can’t help but want to go there. Seriously. Look at it, people!
They arrive at The Iron Bank and Stannis is already cranky… well, crankier than usual because they’ve kept him waiting. Once he gets audience with Mycroft Holmes, he asserts he has the rightful claim to the Iron Throne, and with their gold he can take it. Not so fast, Stannis. Tywin is telling them a different story. Also, what kind of collateral do you have, Stannis? Once it’s established that Stannis barely has a pot to piss in, they deny his Pay Day Loan application. The look Stannis gives Davos is very much like the look your mama gave you when you showed your ass in public (say, at church) and she wasn’t in the position to put her foot up your ass. Then Davos does what he does best: talk sense. He explains that Stannis is the bank’s best chance at getting back the money they’ve already sunk into the kingdom. Tywin is 67 and not long for this world. When he’s gone, all that’s left is Cersei’s raggedy ass and her incest kids. Basically, he tells them they can kiss their money goodbye for good unless they back Stannis, who doesn’t just talk about repaying debts, he does it. Then he waggles his finger stumps as proof.
Next we get our obligatory titties for the hour. Salladhor Saan is trying to impress some women in a hot tub with a pirate joke that they’ve heard many times before. Davos appears and tells Salladhor they have work to do. Salladhor starts off not about that life, but quickly becomes about it when Davos makes it rain.
Yara: Queen of the Not Fucking Around Crew
Yara reads her crew the letter Ramsay sent Balon Greyjoy – the letter boasting about what he’d done to Theon and shitting on the iron born. They are appropriately hyped as they arrive at Moat Cailan and scale the walls. Ramsay is busy getting busy with Miranda and is oblivious to the invasion.
One of Ramsay’s men leads Yara to the kennels where Theon is being kept. The poor thing is too damaged to realize he’s being rescued. He insists he’s Reek and that he doesn’t want to go. Ramsay and some of his men arrive and fighting ensues. When Ramsay unleashes his hounds, Yara and her men are forced to run. They leave without Theon. Yara declares her brother is dead.
Theon’s reward for being a good Reek is a bath. He’s understandably suspicious – especially when Ramsay begins to help him bathe. Of course, Ramsay wants something: He wants to take a castle and he’s going to need Reek to pretend to be someone he’s not in order to help him get it. He needs Reek to pretend to be Theon Greyjoy.
The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Oh Shit a Dragon!
It’s a quiet day on the hills as a goat herder herds his goats and his son plays nearby. This is all disrupted when Drogon appears and takes himself a crispy goat to go.
Later, the goat herder appears before Daenerys’ court to show her the charred remains of one of his goats. She feels like shit, as well she should. She tells him he will be compensated for three times the value of his goats.
Next up, Hizdahr zo Loraq pleads for the proper burial of his father, one of the 163 men crucified by her men. His father spoke out against crucifying the children, but was outvoted. He’s not proposing she remove all the crucified men, just his father. She agrees. And then Daenerys learns she has 212 people awaiting an audience with her. She better get a pillow for her butt.
A Meeting Is So Much Better With Oberyn Martell
Tywin holds a small council meeting. During which, Varys reports that The Hound has been spotted in the Riverlands, fucking shit up. Tywin offers up a hefty amount of money – money he doesn’t have, I might add – to anyone stupid enough to try and stop him.
Next, Varys shares what Daenerys has been up to. You know, conquering cities, commanding armies and sellswords, beguiling Ser Jorah and Ser Barristan, oh, and raising big-ass dragons. Cersei tries to dismiss this because Cersei is an idiot. Tywin knows that Daenerys must be dealt with and asks Varys to get one of his informants into Meereen. Then he instructs Step-n-Fetch, I mean Mace Tyrell, to get his quill and paper. We all know shit gets real when Tywin starts writing letters. (See: All the letters he wrote in season 3 leading up to The Red Wedding.)
Later, Oberyn and Varys chat in the throne room. Oberyn learns a bit about Varys. He’s from Essos, he’s not interested in boys or girls (which you can see just totally blows Oberyn’s mind), and he may or may not have aspirations to the throne.
This Whole Courtroom Is Out of Order
Tyrion’s trial begins. Someone yells out, “Kingslayer!” as he’s led into the throne room by Jaime. I can’t help but wonder which brother that person was speaking of. Anyway, Tommen recuses himself as the judge and goes off to play with crayons. Tywin will take his place.
Remember all of the wonderful shit Tyrion has done to make us love him throughout the first three seasons? Slapped the shit out of Joffrey, defended Sansa, locked up Pycelle, threatened Joffrey, and saved the whole fucking city from Stannis’ men? Welp. All of that bites him in the ass as one by one, people like Varys and Cersei testify. Cersei manages to turn Tyrion’s bravery at Blackwater into something negative saying he wanted to put Joffrey on the front lines in order to get him killed.
Pycelle insists that the poison used to kill Joffrey was missing from his stash, and stolen by Tyrion while Pycelle was imprisoned. He also reveals that Ser Dontos’ body was found with Sansa’s necklace, and the poison stolen was found in the stones. One of stones was missing from the necklace. Here’s where you can see Margeary flashing back to her grandmother’s Five Finger Skills. Pycelle also calls Joffrey the most noble child the gods ever put on this good earth. That alone should discount everything that came out of his mouth.
When the trial breaks for lunch, Jaime strikes a deal with Tywin. He agrees to leave the kingsguard if Tywin will show mercy when Tyrion is found guilty. If Tywin will send Tyrion to The Wall to live out his days, Jaime will be the good Lannister heir Tywin has always wanted. He’ll even get married and give him some legitimate, non-crazy, un-incest grandbabies. Tywin is all about that shit.
Before the trial resumes, Jaime tells Tyrion that he’ll be shown mercy if he asks for it at sentencing. He needs to bite back all the sass talk and trust his older brother.
But the court calls the final witness, Shae. And the only thing more shocking than her arrival is the bullshit that comes out of her mouth: Tyrion stole her from another man, he forced her to be his whore, he plotted Joffrey’s murder with Sansa to gain favor with his young bride and make his way into her bed. Oh, Shae. Look at your life. Look at your choices. The look on Tyrion’s face was heartbreaking.
Tyrion interrupts and says he wishes to plead guilty, but not to murdering Joffrey, but to being a dwarf. That’s something he feels he’s been on trial for his whole life. He didn’t murder his nephew, he says, but watching that bastard die brought him more relief than a thousand lying whores ever could. He tells the people in attendance that he saved them, but he wishes he’d have let Stannis kill them all. He will not give his life for Joffrey and he knows the court will not serve justice. He leaves his fate up to the gods and demands a trial by combat.
And that, boys and girls, is how Peter Dinklage wins his Emmy.