Previously on Game of Thrones, ‘The Laws of Gods and Men’
You know that scene in a Law & Order episode where the lawyer yells at their client who’s on trial and just totally fucked themselves in the courtroom? That’s how this episode opens, but it’s Jaime yelling at Tyrion for blowing the deal he made for him with Tywin. Tyrion knows it was a bad move, but he revels in taking something away from Tywin and telling everyone in the realm what he really thinks of them. If Bronn was a worthy champion for him, surely Jaime will be, Tyrion reasons. Then Jaime drops the bomb that he kinda sucks as a swordsman now on account of he only has one hand. Tyrion will have to ask Bronn after all. Fingers crossed (on your left hand, Jaime) that Cersei picks someone who will be easy for Bronn to beat.
The Mountain That Kills
Yeah. No. Ser Gregor is back in the capital and practicing his killing skills on prisoners. Cersei greets The Mountain, stepping over the entrails of his victims as she does. He wants to know who he’s fighting. She asks if it matters. He shakes his head no because The Mountain is a non-discriminating motherfucker.
A Girl Needs a Name
Arya and The Hound find a dying man in a burned village. After putting him out of his misery, The Hound is attacked and bitten on the neck by a drop bear… or something. He breaks the attacker’s neck and then asks his companion what in the seven hells he was thinking. The would-be assassin fills them in on Joffrey’s death and the bounty on The Hound for killing Lannister men. Arya recognizes the man as one of Yoren’s prisoners, who threatened to fuck her bloody with a stick. The only reason he’s not on her Nightly Death List is because she doesn’t know his name. So, The Hound asks his name. And then Arya stabs him in the heart.
Later, Arya wants to tend to The Hound’s bite wound with fire, but he ain’t about that life. He tells her she was right about how his brother burned him just for playing with one of Gregor’s toys. Their father also defended what Gregor did by telling everyone that Sandor’s beddings caught on fire. He realizes that their situation is now kinda fucked since they will undoubtedly encounter all kinds of men who want to collect the bounty between where they are now and The Vale. He eventually agrees to let Arya clean and sew up his wound.
Get Back in the Kitchen Where You Belong
Jon and his men return to Castle Black where Thorne instructs Jon to have Ghost locked up. When Jon suggests that they close off the tunnel to help guard against The Wildlings’ attack, Thorne reminds Jon that his job is in the kitchen and that if he wants his opinion he’ll… actually never want Jon’s opinion.
Bronn visits Tyrion and breaks the news that he can’t be Tyrion’s champion. He’s due to marry Lollys Stokeworth and has plans to murder her older sister to ensure his new bride inherits all the Stokeworh’s fortunes. Tyrion is disappointed, but understands Bronn’s decision to not die by The Mountain’s hands. They shake on it like gangstas.
What Daario Does Best
Daario has snuck into Daenery’s private quarters (again) and he presents her with some bullshit flowers (again). He’s bored patrolling the streets of Meereen. He wants to be allowed to do what he does best. His insolence is rewarded when she instructs him to take off his clothes. Seems the punishment for sneaking in the queen’s chambers is getting some ass.
The next morning, Ser Jorah is all kinds of butthurt when he sees Daario practically cartwheeling away. When he meets with Dany, he expresses his
jealousy mistrust of Daario. She tells him that Daario and the other Second Sons will be going back to Yunkai to retake the city from Cleon the Butcher. He has been instructed to kill every master they find. Jorah is like, “Have you learned nothing? You can’t just go killing folks.” She decides that Hizdar zo Loraq will go with them and give the masters a chance to act right or die. Then she tells Jorah to relay this to Daario and to take credit for changing her mind.
And his heart grew three sizes that day.
The Red Woman and the Queen
Obligatory Game of Thrones Titties! Melisandre is bathing when Selyse enters. Melisandre talks about the potions she has that make people do all kinds of things, even drive people insane with lust. Selyse wants to know if that’s what she used on Stannis. Melisandre is all, “Pffft. I didn’t need any tricks for him to want a piece of this.” Welp. She has used many of the potions to lead people to the truth of The Lord of Light.
Then Selsye talks about leaving Shireen behind when they set sail, but Melisandre instructs her to look into the fire to see the truth for herself, even if it’s harsh. And she does. Melisandre says the little girl must go with them. The Lord needs her.
I smell another blood sacrifice.
Brienne and Podrick stop at an inn for some ale and kidney pie. They’re served by Hot Pie, who makes himself at home at their table and talks in great detail in the art of making kidney pie. Brienne tells him they’re looking for Sansa, but Hot Pie says they don’t get traitors like the Starks in this here fine establishment.
As they’re preparing their horses for travel, Podrick says it’s probably not such a good idea to broadcast what they’re doing. Hot Pie interrupts and tells them about traveling with Arya and that the last he saw of her, she was with the Brotherhood and The Hound. He then gives Brienne a piece of wolf bread for Arya. Aw, Hot Pie.
Brienne takes this as confirmation that opening her big mouth was actually a good thing. Later, she takes Podrick’s advice that they should head to The Vale.
I’m Your Huckleberry
Oberyn visits Tyrion’s cell. He tells him about Cersei trying to butter up to him a few days ago. Then he tells him another story about Cersei. He remembers going to visit Casterly Rock when he was a child, shortly after Tyrion was born. All the kids were anxious to see the monster born to Tywin Lannister. But when Cersei and Jaime took them to Tyrion’s crib, Oberyn was disappointed to find that Tyrion was just a regular big-head baby with a tiny pink cock. Cersei pinched Tyrion’s penis until Jaime made her stop. Cersei said Tyrion would be dead soon. He should have been dead already. Then Oberyn agrees to deliver justice for Tyrion and himself as he’ll be Tyrion’s champion against The Mountain.
Can Peter Dinklage win two Emmys at the same damn time?
Sansa builds a replica of Winterfell out of snow. After a cute, but short conversation with Robin, he accidentally knocks a part of the castle down. Sansa gets upset, but Robin gets even more upset and kicks over the whole thing. She slaps the ever-loving shit out of his ass and he runs off to cry to mommy.
Then Littlefinger creeps up all creepily, and creepily tells Sansa how he killed Joffrey for hurting Catelyn, a woman he loved very much. Then he gets even more creepy by saying that in a perfect world, she’d have been his daughter. Then he goes all the way to Creeptown by telling Sansa she’s even more beautiful than her mother. Then he breaks creep records by kissing her.
And crazy-ass Lysa sees it all.
He Made the Bad Woman Fly
Later, Lysa calls Sansa to the throne room where Sansa assumes she’s about to get in trouble for slapping the taste out Robin’s mouth. Lysa doesn’t want to talk about that. She wants to yell at Sansa for kissing her man. And then she wants to push Sansa out the moon door. Littlefinger enters and talks Lysa into letting Sansa go. He consoles his crying wife, telling her there’s only one woman he’s ever loved: “Your sister.”
Then he pushes her crazy-ass out the moon door.