Previously on Game of Thrones, ‘Mockingbird’
For the first time in… ever… I’ve had no desire to re-watch an episode of Game of Thrones. If you listen to our podcast, you know that I watch every episode at least five times before the next new episode – three of those times are before Monday morning. I’ve marathoned the first three seasons more times than I can count. And while Ned Stark’s death was shocking (I hadn’t yet read the books when the first season aired), and the Red Wedding left me sad, the death of Oberyn Martell has made me utterly depressed. Even though I knew it was coming. Okay. Let’s get this over with, shall we?
A Good Time in Mole’s Town Tonight
Remember when Sam left Gilly and her infant at that brothel in Mole’s Town because he thought she’d be safer there than at the wall? And remember when we were all like, “Sam, that’s the stupidest fucking idea you’ve ever had?” Remember when he heard about how the wildlings south of the wall were fucking shit up and he thought that maybe, just maybe, his plan was a dumb one and Jon Snow was like, “Welp. Nothing we can do about that now?”
Yeah, well. The wildlings, led by Tormund Giantsbane, and the Thenns proceeded to murder EVERYONE in the brothel. The only reason Gilly and her baby aren’t roasting on the fire for a little late night Thenns snack is because Ygritte had a tiny moment where she was actually a human being and let her live.
Back at the wall, once word of the attack gets there, Sam is so busy crying over dead Gilly that he doesn’t have time to kiss his ass goodbye like his fellow brothers are doing.
Peeping Grey Worm
The Unsullied are bathing/doing laundry/washing their weapons in a lake just a few feet away from Missandei and some other women who seem to be doing their laundry as well… naked. She catches Grey Worm staring at her and covers her breasts with her hands.
Can we just take a moment to talk about how beautiful she is? Goodness.
Missandei later tells Daenerys, who assures her that Grey Worm wasn’t looking at her like that because he doesn’t have a penis. And Missandei is like, “Uh. I’m pretty sure he was looking at me like that.” Then they wonder whether or not the slave masters took the twig and berries or just the twig. You know, just a regular conversation one would have with The Mother of Dragons while she braids your hair.
When Grey Worm comes to Missandei later to apologize, she asks him about when he was cut. He doesn’t remember it, but he’s not sorry it happened. It led him on the path to being where he is now with her and Daenerys.
Ramsay Snow and crew arrive at Moat Cailin. He tells Theon he can be Theon just long enough to convince his iron born brethren to give up peacefully. But don’t get it twisted; you’re still Reek. So, Theon rides up to the castle, wearing his big boy clothes. I can’t tell what is making him more uncomfortable: wearing real clothes again after months of torture or riding a horse after months of torture.
He delivers Ramsay’s message to the Pyke men inside: Surrender now and be spared. The group’s leader coughs up blood in Theon’s face. Oh, did I not mention that they’ve apparently contracted some kind of plague? Anyway, he ain’t about that bending the knee crap. He’s in the process of telling Theon where he can stick Ramsay’s peace offering when Theon begins to twitch like a tweaker. He’s about five seconds from having a straight up PTSD meltdown when one of the iron born splits open their leader’s head. Basically, they’re like, he doesn’t speak for us and we just wanna go home. Theon convinces them that if they open the gates and let Ramsay and his men in, they’ll be allowed to go home.
Then I blinked and next thing you know, all of the iron born are dead and flayed.
Ramsay presents Moat Cailin to his dad and, as a reward, Roose makes Ramsay a full-fledged Bolton. No more Snow. He’s still a bastard, though.
Sansa Finally Plays the Game
At the Eyrie, a few of the lords and ladies want to know what the hell happened to Lysa. Littlefinger explains that she committed suicide. They’re not buying it, so they want to talk to the witness, Littlefinger’s niece. While he shits bricks, Sansa is brought in. Under questioning, she admits that she’s Sansa Stark and says Baelish saved her, not just from King’s Landing, but from her batshit auntie as well. She paints a picture of a disturbed and jealous Lysa (accurate) and corroborates Baelish’s story that her aunt’s death was a suicide (inaccurate).
Sophie Turner was like, “Dinklage isn’t the only one who can act damnit!”
Baelish convinces the leaders at the Vale that they need to throw their support behind Robin Aryn.
Later, Baelish acknowledges that Sansa has changed from his first impression of her. He wants to know why she helped him. She says it was in her best interest to do so, and then she tells him that she knows what he wants. She doesn’t answer when he asks what that is.
From Friend Zone to Exile
Nothing good comes from Tywin Lannister picking up a quill and ink. In season three, he was writing letters in damn near every scene he was in. We later learned that he was negotiating with Bolton and Frey to sponsor The Red Wedding. So, three weeks ago when he told old Step ‘n’ Fetch (Mace Tyrell) to get him something to write with, we knew something bad was coming in Meereen.
A little boy delivers a letter to Ser Barristan Selmy and it bears the royal seal. Turns out, the letter was Jorah’s pardon for all his assistance in spying on Daenerys way the hell back in season one. Barristan confronts Jorah who wants a chance to talk to Daenerys alone, but Barristan is like, “Yeah. No.” Jorah is summoned to the throne room where he admits to his queen that he once snitched on her to Robert Baratheon. She doesn’t care that it was three seasons ago. She doesn’t care that he saved her from the wine merchant’s poison. She doesn’t care that he’s been nothing but loyal from BEFORE she walked out the flames butt-ass naked and covered in baby dragons. She just wants him gone. He ain’t gotta go home, but he sure as hell gotta get the fuck up out Meereen.
Arya is Sick of Your Shit, Universe
Arya and The Hound have made it to the Eyrie and book readers lose their damn minds on Twitter. We learn a few things from their conversation before they get to the Blood Gate:
- Arya really wanted to kill Joffrey. Like, seriously. And she’d have done so with a chicken bone had she the chance.
- She tells The Hound that his way of thinking that “poison is woman’s weapon” is the reason why he’ll never be a good killer. Are we not disturbed by the fact that not only does it seem like this is something Arya is aspiring to, but she already has pretty good ideas on how one becomes a good killer. Also, this bit of the conversation totally foreshadows the trial by combat outcome.
- The Hound’s neck wound is bothering him.
When they finally get to the gate and announce who they are, the guard offers up his condolences to Lysa’s niece and reports that his lady died three days ago. The Hound has a look on his face like, “Ain’t that ’bout a bitch?,” while Arya just laughs her ass off.
Inside, Littlefinger and Robin are preparing to leave when Sansa comes down the stairs looking like new money. Yup. She’s officially in the game of thrones now.
George R.R. Martin Likes Killing Shit Just Because
While he waits for the trial by combat to begin, Tyrion sits in his cell with Jaime. He talks about a slow cousin they had who used to sit and kill beetles all day long. He wonders what it was all about. Why would anyone kill things just to kill them? And then about 8 million people side-eyed the fuck outta George R.R. Martin.
The Mountain and The Viper
Oberyn Martell faces off with The Mountain and gets the best of him, stabbing him several times and knocking him flat on his back. He wants a confession though and is not satisfied with finishing him off until he gets one. Oberyn gets a little too close to The Mountain and is knocked down to the ground where The Mountain confesses to killing Elia Martell and her children. He gives his confession as he squeezes Oberyn’s head until it explodes. Tyrion is sentenced to death and that’s all I have to say about that.