Previously on Game of Thrones, ‘High Sparrow’
Ser Jorah and Tyrion – Somewhere Along the Narrow Sea
Jorah Debos a fisherman for his boat so he can transport a squirming and bound-and-gagged Tyrion. He does leave the unconscious fisherman with some coins, which is more than Debo ever did.
Later, Tyrion makes so much noise that Jorah finally removes his gag. Tyrion immediately asks for wine, and then points out they’re headed the wrong way if they’re going to Kings Landing. Well, Cersei isn’t the queen Jorah meant: he’s taking Tyrion to Daenerys. Even though Tyrion says he was going there anyway, Jorah won’t remove his bonds. Tyrion quickly figures out who Jorah is and why he is so far away from Dany: He’s trying to win back her favor after betraying her trust. Tyrion doesn’t think he’s a prize that will win Jorah any forgiveness. Jonah responds by backhanding him.
Jaime and Bronn – Dorne
Jamie gets his first look of Tarth as they sail past it on a merchant’s ship. Below deck, Bronn questions their less-than-royal accommodations. Jaime reminds him their secret mission is secret. They’re rescuing his niece, not kidnapping her, but it still needs to be on the low so as not to start a war. And it has to be him because he has deadbeat daddy guilt… I mean uncle guilt!
Talk turns to Tyrion, and even though Jaime places all the blame of his escape on Varys, he vows to split his brother in two when he sees him. In Jaime’s eyes Kingslaying > Kinslaying.
Bronn and Jaime finally arrive in Dorne, but after a breakfast of snake and a chat about how they’d like to die, they encounter some Dornishmen. Things turn ugly pretty quickly. Jaime is almost killed, but saved by his gold hand. Bronn handles the others easily. Before they can continue on, Jaime insists Bronn bury the bodies so as not to alert anyone of their presence.
See, Bronn. This is why you keep those incest comments to a minimum.
Bronn had advised Jaime not to trust the captain who transported them. Anyone can be bought. And Bronn was right. The captian tried to sell info of their arrival, but unfortunately for him, he was speaking to Obara Sand, Oberyn’s bastard daughter. And now she has him buried up to his neck in the sand with scorpions crawling over his face.
Ellaria meets with Obara and her two sisters, Tyene and Nymeria, in the desert. If Jaime is there, Ellaria says, they need to move on Myrcella quickly. Are the girls (The Sand Snakes) in? They all are, and Obara throws her spear through the caption’s skull.
Eight sand snakes, in order of age: Obara Sand. Daughter of a whore of Oldtown, and given to martial pursuits as she considers herself a warrior, wielding a spear and whip. She is a sturdily built woman of swarthy coloring and no particular beauty. Nymeria Sand. Called ‘Lady Nym’, her mother was a noblewoman from Old Volantis. Nymeria is elegant, refined, and beautiful with dark eyes and silky black hair worn in a braid bound with copper wires. Tyene Sand. Daughter of a septa. Tyene is closest of all the Sand Snakes to her cousin Arianne. She is known to have skills in herbcraft and poison, and is regarded as treacherous, while maintaining a sweet and pious persona. She is fair, blue-eyed and blonde. Sarella Sand. Daughter of a trader from the Summer Isles. She is referred to as playing a “game” in Oldtown. Elia Sand, called ‘Lady Lance’. The oldest daughter of Oberyn’s paramour Ellaria Sand and granddaughter of Lord Harmen Uller. She appears to have been named after Princess Elia. She’s fond of horses and jousting. Obella Sand. Daughter of Ellaria Sand and granddaughter of Lord Harmen Uller. Dorea Sand. Daughter of Ellaria Sand and granddaughter of Lord Harmen Uller. Loreza Sand. Daughter of Ellaria Sand and granddaughter of Lord Harmen Uller.
Cersei/Margaery/Tommen – Kings Landing
Remember how the crown is in debt? Yeah, well, so does The Iron Bank. They can’t afford to pay, says Mace Tyrell. Not with winter coming and all. He offers to pay the debt because the Tyrells are rich.as.fuck. Cersei says no. She wants him to go to Braavos to negotiate a payment plan in person. Ser Meryn Trant, with his raggedy ass, will accompany him. And he’s to leave right now. He can buy clothes and a toothbrush on the way. Maester Pycelle comments that the small council keeps getting smaller.
“Not small enough,” says Cersei.
Dude. Just stop talking.
Okay, so it was bugging me why Cersei would want to send Trant with Mace. Yes, it seems as though she’s trying to get rid of all possible foes and annoyances, but Trant has always been very loyal to her and that raggedy ass Joffrey. And why would Mace need that kind of protection. Then it hit me! See spoiler box below for my prediction. Just speculation, but in case it comes true, I don’t want people crying spoilers.
Arya’s death list has gotten pretty small, but Trant is still on it. She thinks he killed her Bravoosi dance instructor. What if, he is Jaqan and he got away from Trant, changed his face, and was making his escape from the capital as a prisoner. Now, in Braavos she kills Trant and discovers her dancing teacher is Jaqan.
Cersei then meets with the High Sparrow, who turns down her offer of wine. More for Cersei! She offers to restore The Faith Militant, a disbanded religious military group from centuries ago, to deal with all the sinners in the kingdom. Of course, the High Sparrow would be in charge. He’s all about that. And Cersei has their first target all picked out: sinners shielded by gold and privilege.
No, not the Lannisters, silly! The Tyrells. Well, Loras Tyrell. The new Faith Militant (made up of Sparrows) waste no time in attacking the bars and brothels, killing homosexuals. Lancel, sporting a fresh new carving on his forehead, leads a group of Sparrows to arrest Loras.
Margaery is heated. She confronts Tommen, who knows nothing about what’s going on. Surprise, surprise. She demands he make this right, but Cersei claims it’s not her. It’s the High Sparrow and that’s who Tommen should speak with. So, the boy king heads to the Sept, only to be turned away because the High Sparrow is praying. His Kingsguards offer to do work, but Tommen is too sweet to see people killed. Townspeople start yelling slurs at Tommen (abomination! bastard!) so he quickly goes back to the castle. Margeary is disappointed and leaves to send word to her grandmother. Guess Tommen, a.k.a. King Punked So Hard, won’t be getting any for awhile.
Jon Snow / Stannis – The Wall
Stannis’ wife questions his admiration for Jon Snow. He’s just a bastard, she says, but Stannis doesn’t care. He’s clearly impressed. She turns talk to the fact she didn’t give him a son, just a deformed girl. Melisandre appears and shuts that shit down and Selyse scampers away. Melisandre tells Stannis he better not make the same mistake as he did when he marched on Kings Landing – leaving her behind. He says he won’t, because he needs her. He asks what she needs and she says to serve “my Lord.” Yet she’s eyeing Jon Snow like his penis is called ‘My Lord.’
Sam has written letters requesting the Lords of the realm send men to the Night’s Watch since they only have 50. Jon signs each letter, but pauses at the letter to Roose Bolton. This man killed his brother and he doesn’t want to ask him for shit. Sam reminds him that they have FIFTY men.
Seriously, Jon. If you want to stay out of it, then stay out of it. If you want to punish Roose Bolton, then do that. You can’t have both.
Melisandre wants to speak with Jon alone. She asks him to ride to the south with them, since he knows Winterfell and its people. He can help them rid his former home of the rats. Once again, Jon declines. She offers to show him something, but not visions in the fire or magic. Just life.
Life looks a lot like her naked body, which she presents to him, running his hand from her ginger minge to her boobies. “Do you feel my heartbeat?” she asks. Heifer, your heartbeat isn’t in your coochie!
Jon declines because he loved another, and though she’s dead, he still loves her. Plus, dat vow. She drops the iconic line, “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” before leaving. Instant boner killer, that.
Shireen stops by to visit her daddy because she’s bored. He starts to apologize for the accommodations at Castle Black, but she likes it there. It’s better than being left at home like her mother wanted. She asks if he’s ashamed of her and he tells the story of how she got Greyscale – an infected doll from a Dornish trader. Stannis spared no expense in getting healers to save her, even though he was told she’d die and that he should send her to the ruins of Valyria to live out her days with The Stone Men. She is the Princess Shireen of House Baratheon, and she is his daughter. Then they hug and I cried.
Sansa – Winterfell
Sansa is visiting the statues of her dead relatives, lighting candles, when LIttlefinger interrupts. As they stand before Lyanna’s statue, he talks of the great tournament at Harenhall when Rhaegar Targaryen won and rode past his wife, Ellia Martell, to present winter roses to Lyanna Stark. Sansa points out Rhaegar kidnapped and raped Lyanna. Littlefinger looks at her like he knows differently.
He announces he’s leaving for Kings Landing because Cersei needs him. She will be fine, though. Stannis will march on Winterfell and most likely win. He would then rescue her and name her Wardeness of the North. If he doesn’t, she will just take Ramsay and make him hers. Littlefinger has faith in her. Then he gives her a creepy kiss and says the North will be hers.
Daenerys – Meereen
As Dany looks over the city from the top of her pyramid, Ser Barristan Selmy tells her a story of how her brother, Rhaegar, would walk among the people of the Red Keep and sing for money, which he’d most times give away. This nice moment is interrupted by Daario – Hizdahr zo Loraq wants to plead with her to open the fighting pits – again. She relieves Selmy of duty for the evening and goes to do her duty.
Meanwhile, The Sons of the Harpy ambush Seconds Sons who are sitting with some prostitutes – including the one who set up White Rat. She then points Unsullied to a trap where they are attacked by the SoH. The Unsullied suffer many casualties before the bells alert Ser Barristan to the trouble. Grey Worm, stabbed and bleeding, is the last Unsullied standing when Ser Barristan arrives to inflict a good old Westerosi ass whupping on those fools. Soon, though, he is also stabbed. Before the final Harpy can slit his throat, Grey Worm kills him.
The two fallen soldiers lie amongst the dead.