Previously on Game of Thrones, ‘Kill the Boy’
Arya – The House of Black and White (Braavos)
They got Arya working like Cinderella. She’s scrubbing floors and corpses, and her hair is done just like her evil stepsister’s, This Bitch. Speaking of which, Arya asks her when she might be getting a promotion to do other things like killing people and changing her face. You know, the fun stuff. You can tell This Bitch has been waiting for someone to come along who she can treat like garbage because she’s all superior and shit. She tells a convincing story about being from Westeros, too, the daughter of Lord. She had her stepmother killed by The Faceless Men and has been serving them ever since.
“Is that a lie?” she asks Arya.
Arya has no idea what the fuck is going on. This Bitch orders her to get back to work.
Arya is scrubbing floors when a man comes in with his sick daughter. She looks to be just a few years younger than Arya. Her father is desperate. No one has been able to cure her, and her illness causes her great pain. Arya sits by the fountain with the young girl and tells her a ton of lies about how she was just like her, sick and dying, and the waters of the fountain cured her. She convinces the young girl to drink as Jaqen looks on.
Later, Arya is bathing the girl’s corpse when Jaqen appears in the doorway. He leaves without a word, and Arya follows him through the door she’s never crossed until now. Down stairs and through winding hallways, they enter the giant hall lit by candles. It’s like when you go into a cave in Skyrim and it’s super dark, and filled with good loot, but then you can’t take it all because you’re encumbered. That’s the worst! Well, it’s just like that PLUS thousands of faces sitting on shelves and shit. Jaqen asks if she’s ready to give up all she is and knows to be a Faceless Man. Arya eyes a particularly old and wrinkled face and Jaqen says, “Yeah, you’re not ready to be no one. But you’re ready to be someone else.”
Gotta crawl before you walk, Arya.
Jorah and Tyrion – The Road to Meereen
Jorah checks his greyscale. Yup. Still there. Tyrion is still running his mouth. He’s hungry and berries and roots ain’t getting it. Jorah declares him a talkative pain in the ass and poor traveling companion. Tyrion boasts about traveling all the way from Westeros to Pentos in a box with air and shit holes, plus he killed his dad who was fucking his girl, so maybe Jorah should fucking chill. He mentions meeting Jorah’s father and then feels like shit when he realizes Jorah didn’t know his father had died. Tyrion apologizes and reluctantly tells Jorah about what happened at Craster’s. Jorah remains stone-faced, then declares it’s time for them to keep moving.
On the road, Tyrion asks why Jorah is so willing to follow Daenerys. Jorah’s answer is basically, “She doesn’t burn and she has dragons. Three of them.”
They encounter slave traders led by Adebisi. I don’t even care what his name is here, I’m calling him Adebisi. Maybe Mr. Eko. Anyway, they’re going to kill Tyrion and take his penis since dwarf cock is supposed to be good luck and will fetch a good price. Tyrion talks his way out of losing his life and his dick. When they mention Daenerys has re-opened the fighting pits in Meereen, Tyrion thinks quickly. He convinces the men Jorah is a champion fighter who defeated Jaime Lannister at a tournament. He can make them good money in Meereen. Adebisi scoffs. First, Jorah is old as fuck and second, pit fighting is a lot harder than fancy jousting. Jorah, finally participating in saving his own ass, admits to killing a Dothraki warrior in hand-to-hand combat. Adebisi is impressed.
Cersei, LIttlefinger, Maegary – Kings Landing
Littlefinger arrives in the capital, but before he can see Cersei, he is stopped by Lansel and his fellow Sparrows. Lansel warns the capital has changed a lot since Baelish was in town. They no longer tolerate flesh peddlers. Good thing Littlefinger is now a respectable lord with knights of his own. They have a side-eye battle until Lansel lets him pass.
After some small talk, Cersei wants to know if the knights of the Vale will fight for Tommen. They will, because Littlefinger lives to serve. To show his loyalty, he tells her about Sansa’s upcoming wedding to Ramsay Bolton. Cersei is furious. He convinces her to allow him to head there with his knights to help defeat whoever is left when Stannis and Roose are done fighting. In return, he wants to be Warden of the North. Cersei agrees, but wants Sansa’s head on a spike.
Lady Olenna is byke! She reassures her granddaughter and then heads to have a bitch off with Cersei. Of course, Cersei feeds her the same line she gave Tommen: I didn’t do it! The Faith Militant did. Olenna threatens to stop supplying the capital with wheat. Again, Cersei maintains there’s nothing she can do. Besides, it’s just an inquest. Not a trial. This will all be over soon. Then she dismisses Olenna.
At the inquest, Loras testifies he is not a homosexual. Margaery is called and she backs up her brother and claims to have no knowledge of his sexual activities – homosexual or otherwise. Then Olyvar is brought in and admits to having sex with Loras… a lot. He says Margaery even walked in on them once and didn’t seem at all surprised. As proof, he offers up a description of Loras’ Dorne-shaped birth mark. Damn. This is Shae 2.0!
Both Loras AND Margaery are arrested to stand trail. Tommen sits by, useless as ever. As Cersei smirks (Hey, that’s Margaery’s bit!), Olenna glares. If looks could kill, there’d be a Cersei-sized stain on that floor.
Jaime, Bronn, The Sand Snakes – Dorne
Trystane Martell and Myrcella are strolling through the water gardens again. These kids are living the life! She wants to know if he is marrying her because he wants to or because their families arranged it. He answers her with a kiss, which she cuts short since they’re in public.
Doran and Areo watch from the balcony again. Is that all these people do here?
The Sand Snakes prepare to attack for Oberyn, and at the same time, Jaime and Bronn have made their way into the water gardens, dressed as Dornishmen. They find the two lovebirds lip-locked. Jaime wants to speak to his daughter-niece alone, but Trystane stands between them. Bronn warns him to stay out grown folks’ business, but he’s a Martell and makes a move.
Before Bronn has to slice that child in half, the Sand Snakes appear and we have a fight. At the end, Bronn only suffers a cut on the arm, and the girls are not able to take off with the Lannister princess because Areo and his guards arrive. Everyone has to lay down their weapons and act right. Ellaria is also gripped up nearby.
Sansa – Winterfell
Myranda is sent – she claims by Ramsay – to draw Sansa’s bath. It’s her wedding night and she needs to be clean and fresh for her groom. As Myranda bathes Sansa and washes the dye out of her hair, she regales Sansa with the tales of the girls who came before her. Sansa listens and then asks Myranda how long she has been in love with Ramsay. Oh, dip! She reminds the kennel master’s daughter she is Sansa Stark of Winterfell and she is not scared of Myranda. In other words: Girl, bye.
Later, Theon arrives to walk Sansa down the aisle. Despite his pleas and revealing that Ramsay will punish him if she doesn’t, she refuses to take his arm.
The wedding would have been beautiful (the woods at night! her dress! her hair! the snow softly falling!) if it weren’t so fucking terrifying. After a brief pause, and with Myranda all sour-faced on the sidelines, Sansa pledges herself to Ramsay.
In their bedroom, he makes her disrobe in front of Theon, and then makes Theon watch as he has sex with her. Sansa’s cries play over Theon’s tormented face.
- This is my least favorite episode of the season. Not because of that final scene, which has a lot of people upset and I will discuss that in depth on the podcast, but because there were so many questionable decisions made, Dorne has been completely underwhelming (yet beautiful) so far, and the Sand Snakes are a bit of a disappointment. The conversations between Jorah and Tyrion were nice, but ultimately, I didn’t care. There was a little movement at THoB&W, but it too fell flat for me.
- Bronn has to be poisoned by that blade.
- Seriously, why is Dorne so boring? No wonder Oberyn traveled so much.
- Not that I think the inquest was in any way designed to be fair, but why didn’t Loras just say Olyvar saw his birthmark as his squire? You know Podrick has seen Tyrion’s ass naked!
- I don’t think LIttlefinger is betraying Sansa. It’s actually a smart play. One, he’s the one who told Cersei instead of her hearing about the marriage elsewhere. Now he’s put himself in the position of being in Winterfell without having to lie about it. I suspect he’ll pull a Tywin a la Robert’s Rebellion and only bring his knights in when a side has clearly won between Stannis and Roose. OR he’ll immediately align with Stannis to ensure he wins – which he seems to think he will anyway. That seems the smarter move and the one he’s most likely to make since the other option ends with him as Warden of the North, too, but also delivering Sansa’s head to Cersei.