Previously on Game of Thrones, “The Red Woman”
Winterfell in Better Days
The Three-Eyed Raven has taken Bran, who is now a grown-ass man of forty-five, to Winterfell in the good old days – back when Ned was a boy, his sister Lyanna was alive, Ser Rodrick’s braided mutton chops had a lot less chop, and when Hodor was Wylis the stable boy with a robust vocabulary. The Raven doesn’t allow Bran to stay as long as he’d like and brings him back to the present day, which is a lot less pleasant.
Just ask Meera, who sits in the snow mourning her brother while Bran is on his vision quests. She’s bored, but one of the snow children fairy people tells her that Bran will be needing her once he leaves.
The Boy Who Finally Decides to Be King
If you come for the queen, you best not do it where Mountainstein can hear you. One drunken resident of the capital learns this the hard way when Ser Robert Strong cleans the wall with his brains after hearing him besmirch Cersei’s good name.
He almost has to prove his devotion again when Tommen’s Kingsguard block Cersei from attending Myrcella’s funeral under orders from the king. Cersei backs down and returns to her quarters, saving Mountainstein from having to clean more walls.
In the sept, Tommen tells his Uncle Daddy that he’s keeping Cersei away for her own protection. It appears the king is now feeling thoroughly punked by the High Sparrow, who crashes the service. Jaime instructs Tommen to visit his mother and seek her forgiveness while he deals with the High Sparrow and his stupid, sanctimonious face – my words; not his.
Jaime makes it clear he doesn’t appreciate the whole imprisonment and Walk of Shame business, and the High Sparrow makes it clear that he is absent of fucks about Jaime’s feelings. This is punctuated by the arrival of his Squad of Sparrows.
The meeting between Cersei and Tommen is much warmer as he apologizes for hiding in his room instead of laying down some royal smiting. Then he says what Cersei has been waiting to hear since her first son to the throne: he needs her.
The Dragon Whisperer
The situation in Meereen is still pretty terrible. No one knows who burned Daenerys’ fleet and the liberated cities of Astapor and Yunkai have been enslaved once more. Oh, and the dragons are refusing to eat because they miss their mommy.
Tyrion believes they’re up in their feelings because they’ve been enslaved as well, and fueled by too much wine and having read too many dragon books as a boy, he decides he’ll be the one to free them.
It turns out Rhaegal and Viserion are quite reasonable as dragons go and they allow Tyrion to remove their chains with only a bit of growling and flashing of their pilot lights.
Still, Tyrion gives Varys permission to punch him in the face the next time Tyrion has another such bright idea. I’m looking forward to moments when Varys suddenly clocks Tyrion in the mouth. “Hey, you looked like you were thinking!”
The Girl with No Name
The waif drops by for her daily beating of Arya’s ass. Once Arya is properly fed up with her shit, Jaqen appears. He offers her shelter, food, and the return of her eyesight if she’ll just say her name. She insists she has none and is rewarded with the return to The House of Black and White.
Walda, You in Danger, Girl
Now that Sansa and Theon are long gone – and killed a half dozen of Roose’s men in the process – Ramsay suggests killing Jon at Castle Black to ensure that Sansa has no safe harbor and to eliminate the possibility of Jon claiming the North in the Stark’s name. Roose dismisses this as the plan of a madman (No shit, dude.) and says it would only rally the North against them.
In what can only be described as the worst.timing.ever, Roose receives word his new son has just been born and this all but cements Ramsay’s backup plan of stabbing his father in the heart, Red Wedding-style.
Karma, thy name is You Raised This Little Psychopath and You Don’t Get Peaches from a Lemon Tree.
What of Lady Walda and her newborn baby? Let’s just say it’s been a good week for the hounds.
If Roose had agreed to Ramsay’s plan, would he still be alive? If Walda’s baby had been a girl, would Roose still be alive? Do we really care? Roose was an asshole.
Meanwhile, Brienne’s first order of business in Sansa’s service is to lie to her. She tells her of seeing Arya, but fails to mention that the man whose company she was keeping was The Hound’s. Then she asks what happened at Winterfell, because Brienne is crappy at reading the temperature of the room.
Even though Sansa is sure Jon will forgive Theon (and his sins will be forgiven when he takes the black), he doesn’t want it. He’s not going to The Wall. The two share a surprisingly tearful and touching goodbye and Theon announces he’s going home.
Does Brienne withhold info about The Hound because she doesn’t want to scare Sansa?
In Pyke, The Bridge Crosses You
Balon Greyjoy’s mood matches the weather in Pyke: cold and shitty. The loss of Deepwood Motte isn’t enough for him to give up his attempt to take the Iron Throne. Somebody forgot to tell him The War of the Five Kings is over. Yara tries, but he’s not going to listen to a silly woman.
While crossing a ridiculously rickety bridge in what looks to be a hurricane, Balon is confronted by a man who calls him brother. Because every Westerosi family is more dysfunctional than the last, Balon’s brother tosses him off the bridge to his death.
A holy man wastes no time informing Yara that her claim to her father’s title is not a given, and that we’ll all have to sit through something called the Kingsmoot.
The deadline has arrived and Alliser Thorne wants to know if Ser Davos and his men are ready to surrender and leave in peace. The sounds of drawn swords tells him their answer is no. Before they can break through the door, the calvary arrives and they have a Wun Wun. Thorne said earlier that no one had to die that night, and that was almost true until one poor bastard decided to shoot Wun Wun with an arrow. Remember what Mountainstein did to that one guy? Well, this is like that except the giant cleaned the wall with this man’s everything. The other Night’s Watch men lay down their weapons, despite Alliser’s protest and Olly getting froggy.
While Tormund’s men prepare Jon’s funeral pyre, Davos implores Melisandre to use any magic she knows to bring Jon back. Faithless, she refuses. Davos was never a religious man, but he’s seen what she can do. She eventually tries, and when the Valyrian doesn’t do the trick she resorts to an old-fashion “please.” Still, no resurrection.
That is until everyone leaves except Ghost, and Jon suddenly awakens.
And then the internet lost its damn mind.
Game of Thrones S6E2 = 8.9/10