Previously on Game of Thrones, “Home”
In between bouts of seasickness Sam must tell Gilly she’s not going to be allowed to stay with him at The Citadel in Oldtown. Instead, she’s going to stay in Horn Hill with his kind mother, lovely sister, and not-so-lovely father. Unsurprisingly, Gilly is not thrilled with this news, but soon comes around, unable to hold a grudge against her baby daddy.
Highlight of this scene: Gilly just learned to read, but she already has homophones down. Fancy.
The Tower of Joy
Bran views his father, Howland Reed, and other northmen as they confront Rhaegar Targaryen’s knights soon after his death and Robert becoming king. Ned finds it odd that Rhaegar’s most trusted man, Ser Arthur Dayne, would be at some isolated tower and not at the Trident protecting his prince. Dayne assures Ned he’s right where his prince wanted him to be.
The men fight with Dayne eventually taking on four at once. When he’s about to overcome Ned, Howland stabs Dayne in the back and Ned finishes him off. This is not the story told for many years, Bran realizes.
Oh, Bran. You’re going to learn there’s a lot to the story your father lied about. Just wait until you go in that tower and see the woman screaming inside. No, really. You have to wait because the Three-Eyed Raven takes you back to the tree so you can learn everything before you leave. Well, everything except who was in that damn tower. For now.
Highlight of this scene: Ser Arthur “The Sword of the Morning” Dayne is fine.as.fuck.
The Old Wives Club
Dany arrives in Florida and before anyone can say, “On Wednesdays we BINGO” in Dothraki, she’s stripped of her clothes and given an outfit with rhinestones, because she’s clearly the new Blanche of the group.
Dorothy Khal Savo’s widow informs Dany it’s not yet set in stone that she’s staying. The Dothraki’s Khalar Vezhven will decide if she can stay since she broke the rules by going out in the world after Khal Drogo died.
Meanwhile, Varys has found the prostitute working with the Sons of the Harpy and offers her safe passage to Pentos (and money) for her and her son if she’ll tell him who’s financing the SoH. He delivers the bad news to Tyrion, Grey Worm, and Missandei that everyone hates them. The masters in Yunkai and Astapor put in five, as have the rulers in Volantis. Grey Worm wants to put spears up asses, but Tyrion convinces everyone that a stealthier and less bloody approach may be the way to go.
Whispers for Sweets
Back in Kings Landing, Qyburn has taken Varys’ birds (neglected children) under his creepy wing. He hands them candied plums from Dorne in exchange for information. Then The Mountain walks in and half a dozen kids shat out their candied plums.
Cersei and Jaime are there to deliver a message: she wants his little birds to report back anyone planning to move against the crown, or anyone laughing at her Walk of Shame because Cersei is Queen Petty.
However, she’s not the real queen, which Lady Olenna is quick to remind her when Cersei and Jaime crash the small council meeting. The Lannisters want to know what they’re going to do about the High Sparrow and the rebellion in Dorne. Their uncle Kevan, hand to Tommen, breaks up the meeting rather than discuss royal business with his niece and nephew. No one wants to kiki with the incest twins.
Highlight of this scene: Maester Pycelle’s candied plums shriveling up inside of him when The Mountain walked in on him talking shit.
Please Tell Me Why the Caged Sparrow Sings
Tommen finally confronts the High Sparrow, demanding that they drop the remaining charges against Cersei. We know from earlier that Cersei isn’t truly concerned as she’ll request a trial by combat so The Mountain can squash another skull. Too soon? Yes, it will always be too soon to speak of Oberyn’s death.
The High Sparrow convinces Tommen’s simple ass that there’s good in Cersei and all he’s doing is working to bring that good out. *yawn*
A Girl Can See
Arya survives more beatings and questions from the waif in The House of Black and White. Interestingly, when Arya says that she used to have four brothers, the waif recognizes this as a lie and only stops hitting Arya when she says she had three brothers (Robb, Rickon, Bran) and a half-brother (Jon). Was this a way to convey to us that Jon is not Robert’s bastard? You know, since we didn’t get to go inside the fucking tower!
Arya finally passes all tests and is rewarded with her eyesight.
A Girl is about to fuck shit up.
An Umber seeks an audience with Ramsay. He’s worried about what will happen if the Wildlings living in the north push south. He wants backup, which Ramsay will supply if he’ll bend the knee. Umber ain’t about that life, but offers up a gift to let Ramsay know it’s real: Rickon Stark. And how does he prove to Ramsay that Rickon is Rickon? He presents him with Shaggydog’s head.
And yes, Rickon is also now a grown-ass man.
Okay, show. Ramsay can die any time now, please. Thanks.
Highlight of this scene: That bitch-ass Umber calling out that Karstark for being a pedo.
And Now His Watch Has Ended
Jon Snow is like that employee who gives a two-week notice, but then leaves after three days because the boss got the entire fuck on his nerves. Jon found a loophole in his contract. His vows tied him to the Night’s Watch till death. It said nothing about being obligated to put up with cold and miserable Castle Black once you return from the dead.
But first, Melisandre would like him to further restore her faith by revealing what he saw on the other side. Much like Beric Dondarrion, he claims there is nothing after death. Welp.
After executing the men who killed him (including an unapologetic Alliser Thorne and a defiant Ollie), Jon passes his Lord Commander Pimp Daddy cape to Dolorous Edd, telling him he’s the captain now.
Game of Thrones S6E3 = 8.5/10