If people would just watch movies, particularly horror movies, and pay attention…. they’d learn a lot of life lessons. Because there is a lot to be learned. Horror movies, crime shows, Law and Order. That is all real talk right there. Everybody knows the basic things from horror movies: You don’t associate with kids who hang out in corn fields, you don’t buy a house built on an old burial ground, and you don’t mess with clowns, cause they be triflin’. They will either murder or molest you and that’s a fact. Everyone knows that. But there are some other, seemingly obvious things that are only asking for trouble, that people aren’t learning. Lucky for you, it’s Halloween season, which means massive horror movie watching season and I’ve done the work of watching lots of horror movies and I’ve compiled you a list of lessons I have learned to apply to your real life that I am going to pass on to you. Cause people need to stop acting like movies ain’t real.
5. The Cover Up Never Works
Stop trying to cover up accidental deaths. I promise you, it will never work in your favor. Just call the police and say “Look, dudes, I was driving around drunk or fooling around with a tire iron like an asshole and then somebody actually really did die. My bad.” If you don’t, that shit will come back to haunt you. I don’t just mean you’ll feel guilty every time you get a flat tire or see a guy in a fisherman’s outfit. I mean, literally. Someone who was involved or who is related to the victim, or someone who just happened to be walking by when it happened, or even just some bored neighborhood teenage boy, will eventually hunt your ass down and kill every single one of you until you’re all dead! And if he/she doesn’t get everyone, they will continue to chase you for all the sequels of your life. This is real talk over here. I would not lie to you.
Also, stop doing stupid stuff that could get someone killed.
Movies to learn this from: I Know What You Did Last Summer, Sorority Row, Prom Night
4. Get a GPS
If you’re taking a road trip, don’t ever get off the interstate where all you’ll find are long stretches of empty road and one tiny town for hundreds of miles. Just don’t. I know you can’t help your car breaking down and that Mapquest is an unreliable asshole, but plan your shit better. Fill your gas tank. How did you not realize you’d run out of gas at one in the morning? And seriously, why are you on the back roads of Ohio, anyway? Where are you going that there are miles and miles of desolate highways and towns? There are FOUR sequels to Wrong Turn. Why aren’t people learning? If this happens to you, probably everything will be okay, but maybe, just maybe, you’re going to find yourself getting raped by some dude with one eye who is his own half-brother. Don’t mess with that. Even if you get away, (which you won’t) you can’t come back from that. There isn’t enough therapy in the world to make that go away. Trust me, the midwest is scary like that, you might want to try flying instead.
And while we’re on the topic of being in the middle of nowhere, here’s a bonus lesson…. stop living in the middle of the nowhere. I have no interest in knowing my neighbors either, so I get wanting the distance, but I’d like to know I could run to their front door before my asthma kicks in if a murderer is chasing me. Living in that kind of isolation solves nothing. Except giving creeps something to do if they’re looking for people’s body parts to take and combine.
Movies to learn this from: The Hills Have Eyes, Vacancy, Wrong Turn, Jeepers Creepers
3. Watch Your Six
Always look behind you. Especially in the dark, especially when you’re outside, especially when you’re alone, and especially when you already know there’s someone trying to kill you! If you know someone’s outside your motel trying to get in, why are you in the bathroom with your back to the door? I’m talking to you, girl from Vacancy! Look around you! People sneak up on other people, so be alert! Constant vigilance!
Movies to learn this from: every horror movie ever.
2. Always Finish ‘Em Off With a Headshot
You’re not likely to encounter this in everyday life (unless your name is Sidney Prescott, I suppose) but if someone is trying to kill you and you think he’s dead…. he is never dead. He might be lying there on the floor dripping blood and looking dead. His intestines might be in his hand and he might not be moving an inch. But he’s probably faking. No, not probably. He IS faking. Shoot him in the ass for good measure. Constant vigilance!
Movies to learn this from: Also from every horror movie ever.
1. Don’t Be a Nightwalker
Never go outside late at night for any reason. I once heard “there’s nothing open after midnight but legs”. That’s right. So keep your ass in the house. Where are you going at 2 am anyway? And especially don’t go outside to check on strange noises. Who cares if you think you hear a cat meowing. Fuck that cat. You’ll be holding your own spleen in your hand before you realize that you don’t even have a cat. Do you know what that strange noise really is? Something strange! So just stay inside. And don’t answer the door either. I don’t even answer the door during the day. If I’m not expecting someone, then it isn’t for me and they can go away. You know who knocks on doors late at night? Rapists, murderers, kidnappers, drug dealers, and sometimes bears. Okay, maybe not bears. But there could be a bear outside and he’ll either eat or rape you. You think a bear’s gonna have respect for your body? Well, he ain’t. And neither will those other bad people. If you insist on opening the door at night to strangers and walking around in the outside by yourself during the darkest hours of the night, then I cannot help you.
Movies to learn this from: Also from every horror movie ever. And the evening news.