Previously on Orange is the New Black, ‘Tit Punch’
She’s a Man, Man!
The episode opens with a black, male firefighter walking through a house that apparently was on fire, but isn’t anymore. He starts taking photos of what looks like a phone or credit card bill, but pretends he’s taking photos of the damage when another fireman walks in. Later, as he changes out of his uniform in private, we see he’s wearing woman’s underwear. Flash to the prison where we learn the fireman has had a sex change and now he’s a she (Sophia) and she’s in jail.
Piper tries to change her bra without actually removing her shirt as she sits on her bunk. Pornstache watches from the doorway because he’s a fucking pervert. Nicky is complaining that she has to wait two weeks for Sophia to do her roots. Anita says she wouldn’t let that he/she touch her with a 10-foot pole. Speaking of poles, Nicky points out that Sophia’s pole is now a hole.
Miss Rosa is plucking out her tit hair, which is gross, but she plays the Cancer card and that means she can do whatever the hell she wants.
Piper shuffles her way to the showers in her homemade shower shoes, which are so, so sad. Sophia vacates the stall with no door, but Piper doesn’t want to use it. Sophia tells her she might as well get used to it. Plus, I’m pretty sure Piper doesn’t have anything that they all ain’t already seen. Sophia shows off her fabulous homemade shower shoes made out of awesome
duct tape and then offers to hook up Piper’s raggedy hair since she butchered it last week.
After Sophia tells her that “you’re home,” Piper relents and takes a piss in the open stall. And then Crazy Eyes peeps around the corner and you can see Piper making life decisions.
Pornstache is an Asshole
Pornstache is ogling the inmates, as per his usual douchebag ways, and talking to the guard, John. John talks about his experience in Afghanistan while Pornstache talks about how he’d totally bang Sophia because he’s a horrible, horrible person. When he tries to taunt Sophia into an argument, she smoothly turns the tables on him and walks away. I hate this guy.
It’s time for the newbies to get their khaki uniforms and be done with the orange! Piper isn’t happy to see that Alex is the one handing out the uniforms. Later, Piper goes for a run and meets up with Crazy Eyes who’s crazy in love. She recites this frightening poem to Piper, then gives her a raggedy ass dandelion. A guard mistakenly assumes he’s interrupting their “swirl time.” No matter how many ‘I’m not gay” hints that Piper drops, Crazy Eyes remains oblivious… and in love… and a little crazy.
Meanwhile, thanks to budget cuts the inmates’ meds are being switched to generic and Sophie’s hormone pills are now a lower dosage. She complains, but it falls on deaf ears. She tells Healy she wants to see a doctor, but she can’t unless it’s an emergency. She swallows the head of a figurine on his desk. Emergency achievement unlocked!
VooDoo Doo Doo
Piper is dismayed to learn that Janae, who came in the same day she did, has already been assigned a room. But she’s a lot more cool with it after learning from Janae that her roommate, Miss Claudette, has so many rules and that she had to threaten the old lady to get her to back off. Taystee and Poussey try to tell Janae not to fuck with that old woman – she knows voodoo and rumor has it she ain’t taken a shit in years, but Janae won’t listen.
Piper tries to eat alone in the cafeteria, but Alex sits at her table. She tries the old “we have to live together so we might as well get along” bullshit, but Piper shuts it down. Crazy Eyes appears out of nowhere and asks if Alex is bothering Piper. Alex says no, but Piper says yes and then Crazy Eyes LOSES HER SHIT and it is glorious. “I WILL CUT YOU!” She throws her pie on Alex, who promptly leaves cause she ain’t about that life.
Piper wants to make it clear to Crazy Eyes that she’s not her wife, but when Crazy Eyes says, “I threw my pie for you,” you kinda can’t argue with that logic. Or those crazy eyes.
Please Keep Your Penis
Sophia’s trick doesn’t work and the doctor says they’re going to take her off the hormones completely until they can ascertain whether or not she has liver damage. Then she flashes back to her wife helping her pick out the type of women’s clothing she should wear, and then pleading with her to keep her penis. Sophia says that her wife doesn’t have to stay, but she will because Sophia is family. They embrace, but it’s interrupted when a little boy (their son?) sees them and stomps off.
Piper wants Larry to come visit, but he already has plans and reminds her that they agreed he’d visit every other week to maintain some kind of life. She settles for him telling her, in great detail, everything he bought from Whole Foods. When he tries to turn it to dirty talk, Piper is appalled. The guards are listening, Larry!
John and Dayanara share a tender moment when he allows her to hang a drawing she made on her wall.
Piper’s mother and sister visit and her mother is a twat. Her sister is slightly better. Their visit just makes Piper feel awful.
Sophia tries to get Red to smuggle in some estrogen, but Red refuses and suggests another road that Sophia might not want to go down. She puts a finger over her top lip like she smells something bad, and it’s obviously code for Pornstache. In a flashback, we see Sophia trying to buy her son’s approval with a pair of $300 sneakers, but things get awkwardsauce when one of Sophia’s ex-colleagues shows up and he doesn’t know how to talk to the new Sophia.
Piper is mortified to learn from Healy that Crazy Eyes put in a request for them to be roommates. “Lesbian request denied!” Piper sets him straight that she’s not a lesbian and there was no request. Healy warns that she better let Crazy Eyes down easy. Cause, you know, the crazy.
How Alex Met Piper
Flashback again and this time it’s when Piper met Alex in a bar. It’s sexy and charming, and Alex looked like nothing but trouble from the get-go.
Larry goes camping with Piper’s brother, Cal. Cal tries to give Larry jerk-off advice, and I just tuned that gross conversation completely out. Then things turn serious when Larry asks if he saw this (Piper going to jail) coming. Cal says no, but he knew it would be something because Piper always had the need to be different. Then he says that her going to jail might be the worst thing that has ever happened to HIM because their twat mother is all up in his business. Man, her family is a piece of work!
Maybe It’s Maybelline
Piper’s commissary FINALLY comes in and she gives out gifts: Sophia gets foundation, Nicky gets a cup and some lotion, and Anita gets a new toothbrush… I think. Anyway, the touching gift giving is interrupted by Crazy Eyes and her sad-ass dandelions. Piper takes her into the hall to let her down easy, but… it ain’t easy. You see, Crazy Eyes doesn’t just like Piper, she has FEELINGS. And you know how bitches get when they all up in their feelings! But wait… it does go pretty easy. Frighteningly easy as Crazy Eyes says, “I feel you,” and walks away. Piper better sleep with both eyes open!
Sophia’s wife Crystal comes to visit and gets outraged when Sophia asks her to smuggle in her estrogen. She accuses Sophia of being selfish. We learn that Sophia did steal credit cards and that’s why she’s in jail.
Janae gets moved and blames Miss Claudette. The older woman reminds her that they’re in jail, not in America, and she’s been there a loooong time.
At home, Larry tries the jerk-off technique that Cal suggested, but since I wasn’t paying attention, I can’t tell you if it worked.
Shit Gets Real
So next we’re treated to this GREAT scene in the bathroom where Piper accuses Alex of naming her when she got busted. Alex says she didn’t. There were 13 of them, traveling all over the world (which Piper enjoyed) and it was one of them who snitched. She says no one put a gun to Piper’s head and made her carry the drug money (true), and that Piper was all up in it cause she was a boring New Hampshire girl who wanted to feel special (more truth!). Piper broke Alex’s heart, but she never lied to Piper.
Ready for some more awwww? There’s a touching moment between John and Dayanara where he helps her get her shirt on after it gets caught on her necklace.
Piper asks Larry to do some digging to find out if Alex snitched on her. He’s confused as to why now, but Piper refuses to talk about. Then Piper FINALLY gets her new room assignment, but Anita warns it’s in the ghetto and wishes Piper luck. Piper makes her way to da hood and finds out that her new roommate is… Miss Claudette! And she has MacGyvered herself up a pot to boil an egg! And she has SO MANY RULES. Poor Piper.
Sophia sees an inmate giving Pornstache some head to get drugs and then we see the night she’s arrested. It’s clear her son turned her in for credit card theft. Later, Pornstache approaches Sophia and offers to get what she wants in exchange for a lil summin’ summin’. She tells him no, thankfully. Then she goes to the bathroom to pluck out her chin hair. I feel your pain, gurl.
Piper is sleeping in her new digs when she awakens to find Crazy Eyes watching her sleep. Then… THEN… Crazy Eyes squats and takes a piss on the floor. And then looks at Piper like, “What?”
OMG! This show! I told you to sleep with both eyes open, Piper!