Previously on Orange is the New Black, ‘Imaginary Enemies’
Piper wakes up, grabs her copy of Gone Girl (a great book, by the way), a granola bar and some peanut butter, and heads to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee. She takes her breakfast and book outside to eat and relax under a tree. You can do that in prison? And then she sees a chicken a few feet away.
Meanwhile, Nicky and Morello are having sex in the chapel. Morello tells Nicky it’s the last time because she feels guilty about cheating on her fiance. She’s also concerned that Nicky may be stretching out her fevered center. Sorry, I’ve been reading some smut lately. Anyway, they’re interrupted by the chaplain and some worshippers. One of the parishioners, Pennastucky, feels like her religious freedom is being denied because she’s not allowed to hang a giant cross in the chapel. Nothing can be placed on the walls that can’t be removed before the next group comes to pray. Nicky and Morello escape unspotted and Pennastucky is forced to bear her cross the hell up outta there.
Later, she convinces two women to help her hoist it above the altar, but that just results in the ceiling falling down. Jesus, take the wheel.
He Took My Corn
Dayanara agrees to thread her mother’s eyebrows, despite the fact that her mother is still being a huge twat to her. But first, Aleida asks her daughter to trade a bag of candy corn for the thread. John stops Daya, being a real dick, and tells her that bartering is not allowed. It’s pretty sad that she doesn’t know what the word ‘barter,’ means, but it’s okay because he was just being a dick so he could slip her a note.
Daya reads the note in the bathroom and it asks her to leave notes for him where they had that really gross teeth encounter in the last episode.
Then we get a flashback of the kind of mother Aleida was (or wasn’t) to Daya and her 23 siblings. OK. That’s an exaggeration, but it does feel like with each flashback, someone was sprinkling water on them or feeding them after midnight cause there were more and more of them. But at least someone was feeding them because it sure wasn’t Aleida. She was too busy going out with her drug dealer boyfriend or using her kitchen to prepare his drugs.
The Chicken’s Back
When Piper casually mentions seeing a chicken, everyone suggests she tell Red. Turns out, Red had a dream that she’d get a chicken and not have to serve processed chicken in her meals anymore.
Piper gets a visit from Larry and her sister Polly. Polly is pretty much about to blow the deal they have with Barney’s to get their soaps and lotions on their shelves. Piper gets Polly to agree to a three-way conference call with the Barney’s rep so she can try and fix the problem. When she asks Larry where he is on finding out whether or not Alex dimed on her, he realizes that Alex is in the same prison. He’s not happy that Piper failed to mention that. She assures him she’s not going to be gay again.
Dominoes and Chicken Butt
Daya is keeping score for Aleida and her friends who are playing dominoes in the yard. They’re also discussing the chicken Piper claims to have seen. Martiza, the girl who also fancies herself Aleida’s daughter, tells them a story she heard from a friend about drugs and money being smuggled into prisons inside the butt of pigeons. Since chickens have bigger butts, they all decide it might be worth their time to try and catch the chicken. Janae and her crew notice something’s up and get in on the action as well.
Aleida calls out Daya for her flirtation with John. She has seen Daya leaving him notes and warns that if she’s going to fuck a guard, she should fuck a fat one because he’ll be more appreciative and might smuggle her in McDonald’s or something.
Mother of the year, y’all.
Another flashback reveals that after Aleida got busted for her boyfriend’s drugs, she only cared to ask about him when her children came to visit. This prompted Daya to go home and have sex with the boyfriend who was still using their kitchen to prepare his drugs.
Meanwhile, Sophia is cozying up to Sister Ingalls with the hopes of bumming some of her estrogen pills. She is wise to Sophia, though, and doesn’t give up nothing but words of wisdom.
Therapy and Yoga
The addiction support group meets at the same time and place that Yoga Jones is holding a class. So, Piper has to try and get her ohm on while listening to Alex admit that she got hooked on heroin because unlike a certain someone, heroin wouldn’t lie and leave her.
I’m still not sure if we’re supposed to like Alex at this point, especially after Larry’s dad confirms that Alex DID snitch Piper out to the feds. He advises Larry to lie and not tell Piper that. Larry says that they don’t keep secrets from one another. Except for that time Piper kept the secret about being a drug-money running lesbian.
The Great Chicken Hunt
Everyone is losing their minds over that damn chicken. So much so that they’re running all around the yard, which pisses off Pornstache. Many get privileges taken away and blame Piper for making up the story of seeing the chicken to begin with.
Piper is super stressed out because now her “rep” is damaged. When Larry calls, he tries to tell her not to focus on that stuff and just do her time. She tells him that is hard to do because she has to live with the “stuff” every day. When she starts ranting that Alex probably told everyone she lied about the chicken, Larry lies to her and says that Alex didn’t rat her out. Piper realizes that makes HER the asshole.
Later, she tries to have that three-way call with her sis and the Barney’s rep, but Polly doesn’t know how to connect such a call on her iPhone because she’s useless. Piper ends up missing the call though because she spots the chicken and runs after it. She finally tracks it down to find it’s on the other side of the fence.
Oh, did I forget to mention that John found a note asking him to meet in the utility closet at a specific time, but when he showed up he was greeted by a naked Aleida and not Daya? Cause that totally happened.