Previously on Sleepy Hollow, ‘Incident at Stone Manor’
Ah, Sleepyheads, it is once again time to visit our favorite place in the Hollow, Dem Woods. And what we all learn from this episode is, don’t take your date to Dem Woods, because the Kindred will punch your lights out and then dismember you. Just keep that in mind, kids, and be back before curfew.
Abbie’s having a rough time transitioning back to a world where sleep is a thing.
“You’re my Wilson,” she tells Ichabod.
He offers to take her to Colonial Times for the Early Burr special (HAHAHA! Wait… does that involve being shot in an untimely fashion?), but she goes running instead. Ichabod, having killed Abbie’s houseplants, runs into Zoe at the plant nursery, which is super awkward since he ignored her the entire time Abbie was gone.
Zoe: “I didn’t think you were the ghosting type.”
Crane: “I try not to be, but they seem to find their way into my path.”
Since this episode is all about possessive lovers, Reynolds calls Abbie about the date murders. Realizing the weapon is oh-so-familiar, Abbie tries to peace out, but Reynolds never turned in her resignation and expects her to work. I really don’t think it works like that, Malcolm. In America, people are free to quit jobs, even at the FBI.
Hey, guess who made the Kindred’s threads? You’ll never guess. It’s Betsy Blah with a flashback to her and Ichabod’s first introduction, although they look older than ever. Since Ben Franklin could never get the Horseman’s head to make the actual Kindred, he experimented with lesser monsters and developed control methods, like a lullaby played on a glass armonica (also prominently featured in the PF Book Club selection, The Chronos Files). Cut to the Joenny Cat Burglar Team breaking into the UPenn museum for the armonica and another mini speech about Jenny dissing her dad. Joe is such a nag!
Jenny: “We steal stuff all the time. We’re stealing stuff right now.”
Abbie and Crane find the Kindred’s lair and his disturbing collection of trophies, realizing the creature is developing human skills like writing. Meanwhile he hunts down another couple, but Sophie shoots him, because that’s what she does. Instead of retaliating, he summons his getaway horse and rides across the bridge. At least some important Sleepy Hollow elements stick around. Ahem.
It doesn’t take a genius to put together that the Kindred is jealous of the love he’s not getting from Mommy and Daddy, so they determine to trap him in the Masonic Cell before he does any further damage to Sleepy Hollow’s teeming nightlife. Joe magically picks out “Greensleeves” on the armonica, and that will have to do, because just as Crane runs off with a “Zounds!” to grab the proper sheet music, Zoe (groan) interrupts with a shocking lack of understanding about why people who aren’t expecting you aren’t necessarily prepared to have a breakup chat. The rudeness this episode, I swear.
The remaining team almost lures the Kindred into the cell successfully with Joe’s best Loreena McKennitt, but the ensuing argument upstairs interrupts his concentration. For some reason, this leads Abbie to conclude that he wants a bride. Say what? He busts in on the fussing couple, and, after a brief sword fight with Crane, Kindred hauls Zoe off to be his wife. I… just can’t support this turn of events. At all.
Seeing as how the Kindred does have Abe’s head, they realize he’s taking her to the Carriage House, because Abe is a one-trick pony no matter which half of him is driving. What a lame date.
Fortunately the insignia on Franklin’s diary, which Abbie can now read, reminds them all of the looming vault back at UPenn and produces Flashback #2 in which Crane and Betsy Blah stashed a Very Important Box. It has to be a lady monster! Because obviously! I know, I don’t get it either.
Back at Ye Olde Carriage House, the group converges and distracts the Kindred while Crane animates the Kindress, who literally is wearing a ball and chain. I just can’t, y’all. The two monsters spot each other just in time, bow and curtsy, and share the creepiest kiss since Imhotep and Anck-Su-Namun before promenading kind of adorably off into Dem Woods. Why do DEAD PEOPLE get to kiss, but not Ichabbie?! This damn show!
Zoe, having Scully Fainted, is no help at the FBI, and Sophie urges Reynolds to get over himself and stalk talk to Abbie. Crane catches Zoe on the way out and gives her the 18th Century version of “It’s not you, it’s me,” followed by his final deeply ridiculous bow. You get nothing! Good day, madam!
Reynolds stops by Abbie’s house to inappropriately and retroactively declare his love for when they were dating, because he “never needed to” then. Again, it doesn’t work like that, Malcolm. Abbie decides to come back to work instead of filing a sexual harassment claim, or never speaking to him again, like I may or may not have done for that very reason.
I digress. In case you forgot there was a season arc, Pandora’s PMSing over her lost box, but the Hidden One is far too focused on recruiting the Kindred as his right-hand man. Unfortunately for all of us, the Kindred Family would rather gallivant out of town, so the Hidden One blows them up. Like actually blows them up. Just like all of the other interesting plots on this show.
Back home, Crane and Abbie play drunken chess and bond over their new succulents. But when Abbie cuts her hand on a twist cap, she finds herself sketching a purgatory symbol in blood while he fetches a bandage. Ruh roh!
As you can probably guess, I wasn’t a huge fan of this hot mess, mainly because of the random unnecessary speeches and GIGANTIC PLOT HOLES. On one hand, I’m glad to see Zoe go. On the other hand, that tells me that they never intended to do anything interesting with her, other than be another romantic foil for Ichabbie, and that’s disheartening. So much potential, wasted! Her character completely changed from the start of the season to now, which screams, “Get rid of her. The audience hates her.” They weren’t wrong about that, but I feel bad for the actress. Did we not learn from Katrina, people? No payoff.
On the third hand (What? There are lots of extra body parts laying around here.), I’m supremely annoyed that the Kindred has been out there running around in Dem Woods all this time, only to be blown up. My favorite side character! Unconscionable. The Carriage House where we spent a good percentage of Season 2? Burned to the ground. The gods are boring, Pandora’s obviously getting angry, and… You know what? I don’t care.
Sleepy Hollow S3E11
Here’s what was good about this episode: Abbie’s hair. Crane’s hair. Abbie’s wardrobe. Crane’s pajamas. The Kindred’s makeup. Derek Mears (under the makeup). The fight scenes. The puns. Abbie reading Franklin’s alphabet. Crane declaring they’re “a succulent family now.” Zoe leaving for good. Abbie and Ichabod longing for each other. Abbie’s flashbacks. Dassit. RIP Kindred. We hardly knew ye.