News Ticker

The Slap – S1E5 – Connie

Previously on The Slap, ‘Manolis

If you had told me there was an episode all about Connie, I would not have believed you. Yet, here we are. Let me just tell you, I don’t care much for teenagers. All mouth and attitude and puberty. No, thanks. If I ever caught my teenager daughter sitting in some 40-year-old married man’s car, kissing him, I’d knock her ass back into last week.

Just to point out how young this girl is, the show opens with her sitting in class daydreaming about kissing a 40-year-old married man in his car. She is asked a question by her Asian math teacher. That’s kind of racist. She doesn’t know the answer, of course, because she’s too busy daydreaming about Hector. She should have just said, “The limit does not exist.” I think that could possibly answer a lot of math questions.


The Slap S1E5 Hearing


Cut to what I think is a hearing of sorts. Harry, his wife, Rosie, Gary, and a few other people are there. The judge asks was it a slap, a tap, a smack, a tickle. Isn’t she watching the show? It was a slap. She wants to know how hard he was hit and then wonders how this case even got on her docket. Harry is sitting there looking pretty smug. He knows this shit ain’t going anywhere. The judge tries to negotiate an agreement. Neither party is interested in any kind of plea bargain; they’d rather take it to court. The judge keeps asking if they’re sure they can’t reach an arrangement and why the hell isn’t anyone there doing their job. She just wants to smack everyone. I wish she would.

Connie is out at a restaurant with Richie when she gets a text from Hector. He’s all, “Why is that old man texting you pictures of a duck in a hard hat at a construction site?” That’s how Hector thinks all the kids say “I love you” now-a-days. Richie admits he has pictures from the barbecue of Connie and Hector and of the dreaded slap. She tells him to delete the photos and not to judge her. He’s judging her. We’re all judging her.


The Slap S1E5 Connie and Richie


When Connie walks into her apartment, her parents are yelling at each other about how her mom is hiding things from her she doesn’t want her to know right now. They notice her walk in the room and act like nothing happened. There’s some stupid argument over dinner about how she left her bike out in front of the elevator. Oh, the trials and tribulations of teenagers. I don’t have time for this. Her mom tells her she can leave at any time and she says she’s working on it. She’s just waiting for Hector to leave his wife and marry her. Kids.

The narrator sticks his nosy voice in to say out loud that Connie doesn’t know why her mom left her father in the middle of the night, 12 years ago, never to see him again. He then tells us it was because of drugs, fornication, and DJing under the influence. She yearns for her daddy and that explains why she’s obsessed with Hector. She seems to think her dad would tell her to go after Hector if it’s what she really wanted. Well, yeah, he might, but that’s only because he’s on drugs. You can’t trust the judgment of people on drugs. That’s why they’re on drugs! They make bad choices!

Speaking of bad choices, Gary and Rosie have hired Connie and Richie to babysit Hugo. They have made a mess and burned cupcakes. Not to mention Hugo is up past his bedtime licking frosting off a spoon with more frosting in his hair. However, Gary and Rosie do not care about any of this. They’re like, “This is wonderful! More cupcakes for everyone!” Fucking hippies.

Gary tells Connie about what is happening with Harry and the case, like that’s any business of that ultrasound. Gary has her and Richie watch The Bride of Frankenstein with him. They laugh like it’s the best movie ever, but that might just be because Gary and Rosie have given these kids wine. These underage teenagers are drinking wine.

Hector and Aisha are preparing to go to an art gala that Gary and Rosie are having. But then she gets a call someone needs stitches and apparently nobody else who works at her clinic knows how to sew, so she has to go in. Hector tries to sit out the art show, but she makes him go to represent them since they’re the only adult people in this whole situation. She ain’t wrong. Connie is also preparing to go to this art show. She doesn’t care about art, but Hector will be there.

Connie is also being served wine at this art show. Hector notices but basically just says, “Hey, nice dress.” and looks at her like he wants to make out with her. She tells Hector she was hoping to be alone with him. He plays it off like he doesn’t want the same thing. She talks him into going outside for a cigarette and then tries to convince him they have something special. He plays it off again. He says kissing her was a mistake and he doesn’t love her and she cries and he cries. Where’s a person with a strong slapping hand when you need one?

The Slap Connie and RichieConnie texts Richie and he tells her to get her ass over to a party he’s at, which is where she belongs, not fawning over some married man. Richie knows where it’s at. I kind of wish he was my friend. All the guy’s at this party love Connie and one shady guy gives her some drugs and she just takes them. She then grinds, smokes, and drinks. She might even twerk, but I’m not quite sure what twerking look likes as I’ve made it a point not to ever watch anyone do it ever. By the time she tracks Richie down at the party, she’s totally drunk. She brings him into a bedroom and tries to get with him, but he stops it cause he’s a total gentleman. I mean, I assumed he was gay, but this episode ain’t about all that. This nice, young boy gets a cab and makes sure she gets home. He’s a nice boy. She should date him, not this pretend father figure she’s chasing. That poor girl. I’m still tired of looking at her face though. Sympathy isn’t enough to make me like someone or their face.

Connie’s stepdad gives her a letter her mother does not want her to have. It’s from someone who knew her dad, way back when. He/she wants to meet Connie and give her some of her dad’s old stuff. I hope it’s a not a he, cause you know she’ll probably try to get with him too. She gets Richie to pick her up and drive her there. It turns out it is a guy, named Malcolm, who kind of looks like Hector. Malcolm is moving and has to unload some of his stuff. He’s got boxes of music tapes and books her father had written. Connie is very bitter her father had left her for “all that” meaning the drugs and music. She keeps referring to him being bisexual and how that was the problem and why couldn’t her mother just accept him. Ugh, teenagers. They understand the truth about nothing. It turns out he indeed was bi and that he was involved with Malcolm, but left him when Connie’s mother got pregnant with her. He tells Connie that if she’s looking for a villain in all this, it’s not her mother, or her father, or him. It’s time. He ran out of time. He had plans to bring Connie to live with him, but then he died. Connie listens to the music he had recorded for and about her. She reads old letters. It’s all very sad. There’s too much realty to this show. I don’t know what these wet things on my face are. I want to hate this episode because I don’t care much for Connie, but it’s actually probably the best.


The Slap S1E5 Connie and Malcolm


Connie heads over to Rosie’s to give her some apology cupcakes for the mess she made trying to make her own. Rosie is sitting in her robe and drinking wine. I feel like maybe it’s 9 in the morning. She’s upset because they want Hugo evaluated to prove he’s fucked up in the head. This is getting a little out of control. The kid’s a brat, yeah, but why are they taking things this far? I don’t get it. But anyway, Connie admits to Rosie that Richie had taken pictures and that he has plenty of pictures of Hugo being slapped. She realizes that by admitting there’s pictures, the truth will come out about her and Hector, but she wants the truth about Harry to come out as well. She’s taking one for the team. Damnit, I’m starting to like this girl. I didn’t sign up for this!

The Slap S1E5 Richie's Pics

About Patti Matteucci (265 Articles)
Patti Matteucci plays in an imaginary band in Illinois where she rocks the mic like a vandal while simultaneously cooking MCs like a pound of bacon. She is into most nerdy things but doesn’t excel enough in any to be labeled a nerd. One of her top skillz is scouring the internet for recipes, printing out a big pile, and then throwing them away before ever trying them when she remembers that you can have food made and delivered to your front door by somebody else. She is a 14 year old trapped inside a 33 year old’s body (or maybe also a 14 year old’s body) with an unabashed love for Justin Bieber and far too much time spent marrying celebrities in Sims 3.
Contact: Facebook

4 Comments on The Slap – S1E5 – Connie

  1. Great recap, Patti! It’s hard to decide whose face is more annoying between Rosie and Connie. If I put both of their aborting faces on that scale from HTGAWM, the statue would just shrug. Connie was the product of someone cheating on then leaving their life partner, and she totally didn’t get that message. I see lots of strain in Rosie’s marriage. I do think the child has impulse control issues they should help him with rather than pretending that children just behave this way. Richie was very interested in the guy he was talking to at the party and Connie is the worst friend ever. She’s like, “Your potential new boo and your swim lessons are less important than me.” Thanks for covering this show!

    • Their faces are not aborting. I meant annoying. Really, autocorrect?

      • Ha! I wondered what you meant by aborting. But yeah, both their faces are annoying, but if I had to choose, definitely Connie’s is more annoying.

        Connie is horrible. I feel bad for her, but in general, I hate whiny, selfish, angsty teenagers and their stupid problems. Though, I guess I can see why she is the way she is, which was the point of this episode. As for Rosie and Hugo, I agree that you can see the toll things are taking on her, but I think she did it to herself. I don’t think Hugo’s impulse control problems are caused by anything other than bad parenting. They’ve let him do whatever he wants whenever he wants to the point that he became entitled to do whatever he wants whenever he wants.

Leave a comment