Previously on The Walking Dead, ‘The Distance’
Just before our group steps through the gates of the Alexandria community, Carl spots a girl in the window of a house behind them. She’s gone in a flash so it’s not clear if he was imagining her or not. Oh, and right before they go in, Daryl kills an opossum and holds it up for their hosts to see. “We brought dinner.”
Once they cross the threshold, they’re told they have to hand over their weapons. Since Rick ain’t even sure they’re staying, he decides they’ll pass on that. Rick alerts Sasha to an approaching walker and she takes it out with her rifle.
“It’s a good thing we’re here,” Rick says, looking like more of a badass than a man poorly carrying a baby has any right to.
It turns out the “audition” is more of an interview given by the woman in charge of the community, Deanna. She records each one and Rick goes first. He looks so out of place, and it’s almost like he doesn’t remember how to sit in a chair with a cushion. In the first part of his interview we learn this is a planned sustainability community with a solar grid. They have a plumbing system, too. The houses started in the low $800,000s, but they’re having a zombie apocalypse blowout sale so now the houses can be had for the low, low price of free.
Deanna was a congresswoman from Ohio. After Rick tells her what he was before doesn’t matter now, she tells him her husband being an architecture professor mattered when it came time to put up those walls so, there. Rick warns Deanna that they should keep their gates closed (Wait. They weren’t?) and when Deanna asks why, I scream at the TV, “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?” Rick explains the world is a bad place, with bad people in it, and these bad people will try to take your shit. Deanna knows a bit about bad people. She had to exile three men who didn’t know how to act, and that’s as good as giving them a death sentence. Rick knows a little about that, too, since he exiled Carol. But Carol is a bad motherfucker who turned an exile into saving Rick’s raggedy ass so…
Speaking of Carol, when the group decides to give up their guns, she places about fifty ‘leven in the bin. She pretty much had ALL THE GUNS.
P.S. That last GIF above is about the only time we saw Gabriel’s ass. I straight up thought they left him at the barn until I saw that pic.
Aaron tells Rick he and Carl have their choice of two really nice houses. Rick takes a shit, shower, and shave, and I thought we were going to get to see some Rick ass, but no. A neighbor lady comes a’calling and offers to cut Rick’s hair. She has two sons, one Carl’s age. Her name is Jessie and I’ve decided that she’s the worst.
Carol, Rick, and Daryl have cased the joint and decide that they’ll all stay in one house. Carl goes exploring and finds comic books in the attic. One reads, “WOLF FIGHT!” I think. It was hard to see past all that foreshadowing.
Everyone is quite impressed with Rick’s clean face – especially Michonne, who just spent the last 20 minutes brushing her teeth. They should kiss. For reasons. Judith doesn’t recognize Rick. Not because he shaved, but because that is the second baby to play Judith since last week.
Deanna comes to check on Rick and is all atwitter when she gets a look at his smooth-as-a-baby’s-ass face. She notes the group has decided to sleep in the same house, in the same damn room. Rick’s house is a like a Benneton ad and she’s shocked, shocked I say, that all these people could be so close. Hmmm. What does that say about her group of people?
She says she already has a job in mind for Rick and Michonne. There’s something in the works for Sasha, and she’s still trying to figure out Daryl. Daryl gives her a look like, “Good luck, bitch,” because Daryl has no home training.
Later, while everyone sleeps, Rick goes into the kitchen for a butcher knife to help him sleep. As you do.
The People in Your Neighborhood
Both Rick and Carl mention the fact that this community is something Lori would have wanted for them. Daryl is all, ‘No thanks.” Note: Daryl has not bathed.
Carl wanders off with Judith and Rick panics. Jessie says she knows where they are and leads Rick to the house of an old couple. There they find Judith and Carl sitting on the porch with the couple. Jessie asks if Carl can visit her boys and Rick says yes.
I don’t like this helpful bitch at all.
Jessie’s sons introduce Carl to Enid – the girl he saw in the window and the owner of the comic book he found – and then asks if he wants to play video games. Carl is so unsure of how to behave. He don’t know this life. He’s all, “What time do we kill people around here?” Later, he tells Rick this place is nice, but weak.as.fuck.
Later, while everyone else sleeps, Rick goes for a walk. He sees a man on a porch. He’s cloaked in shadow and smoking a cigarette. He welcomes Rick to the neighborhood and points out his wife cut Rick’s hair. Tell your wife to keep her scissors closed, buddy. Notice that heifer didn’t mention a husband.
Carl the Explorer
During Carol’s interview, she lies her ass off and I’m here for it. She tells Deanna she was a happy homemaker before the apocalypse, and she’s the den mother of the group, who protect her in exchange for domestic skills. This explains Carol’s sheepish grin when she was giving up her weapons. She handled them like she was carrying them for someone else and not completely capable of using them herself. She asks if her job can be something housewifey. She’s a real people
killer person. Next thing you know, Carol is wearing a cardigan.
She tells Daryl to please wash his ass. He tells her she looks ridiculous. Daryl is so salty. And his interview was the funniest. He wouldn’t sit down and he held on to his opossum the whole time before deciding to skin and gut it on the front porch. When she asked him if wanted to be there, he said, “The boy and the baby deserve a nice roof over their heads. Maybe.” Damn.
Carl witnesses Enid sneaking out of the community, and of course he follows because Carl gotta Carl. He ain’t had a house two days and he’s already not staying in it.
Meanwhile, Glenn, Noah, and Tara are taken on a run by Aidan (Deanna’s son) and a guy named Nicholas. Aidan makes it clear he’s in charge and he knows he’s a douchebag, but he’s still in charge so they have to do whatever he says, and no, he doesn’t have a small penis at all. He’s not overcompensating. Nope.
Rick leaves the community to retrieve his gun from that blender because fuck these people. The gun is gone! Carl loses track of Enid, but finds his dad just as walkers approach. They have a little father son bonding over killing walkers. I feel like they just needed to get that out of their system. They’d gone too long without killing something.
Not Fucking Around Crew
Aidan and Nicholas reveal they lost four people on a run last month. But, good news! They got one of the walkers that did it and have it strung up on a tree. Glenn is like, what the fuck is wrong with you people? When they get to the tree, the walker is gone. These geniuses start whistling for it and when it appears, it almost bites Tara because Aidan is a fucking idiot.
Back at the community, Aidan jumps in Glenn’s face with more of that Do As I Say Cause I’m In Charge bullshit. Glenn points out Aidan’s leadership skills got four people killed. Noah and Tara try to tell Aidan he don’t want none, and Daryl is lurking just waiting to jump in someone’s ass. Sure enough, Aidan swings on Glenn, misses, and gets knocked on his ass. Daryl is about to choke out the other guy when Rick pulls him off. Michonne warns Aidan to stand the fuck down.
Deanna breaks it up and tells everyone that Rick and company are one of their own now, and have equal standing. After Aidan flounces off somewhere – hopefully to burn that members only jacket – Deanna offers Rick and Michonne the jobs of Constables. They both accept and Daryl stomps off, butthurt.
If they offer Rosita a job in landscaping, I’m gonna be pissed.
That night, Rick is in his snazzy new police uniform and our group look at him like, “Nerd.” Carol tells him, in front of Daryl, this place will make them weak if they get too comfortable. Rick says they’ve come too far to punk out now. They will never be weak again. And if the people here can’t make it, they’ll just take the place from them.
Then somebody dropped a mic.
- I can’t wait to see Carol fuck somebody up while wearing a cardigan.
- Wolf alert!
- Where the hell was Katniss going? She’s already a bad influence on Carl.
- So, what’s wrong with this place besides being weak and too trusting? Why doesn’t Deanna already have muscle other than Aidan and Nicholas? What’s up with the three people she exiled?
- Who took the smoothie gun?
- Why is Jessie’s husband so shady?