Previously on The Walking Dead, ‘Here’s Not Here’
Remember how Glenn may or may not be dead? Remember how this is a big deal because he’s not only the moral center of the group, but he’s an original cast member from season one? Remember how that’s a big deal because every goddamn season this show puts him or Maggie in peril and we just know the other will lose their shit if something were to happen to their beloved?
Well, we witness Maggie finding out about it via a whispered conversation between Michonne and Maggie, overheard by Deanna, who is walking around like she’s off her meds.
Remember how Rick was like, “Under no circumstances do we lead a herd of walkers back to Alexandria.”? Remember how he was all, “If we go back now, that’s for us. Sticking with this mission, that’s for them.”?
Well, apparently he said fuck all that when shit got really real, cause his raggedy-ass comes running up to the gates with a herd at his back. In those fucking cowboy boots. You mean to tell me he couldn’t have hooked a left or a right at any point to draw them away? Then maybe circle back so he doesn’t lead ALL OF THEM to the gates?
And why is his hair so goddamn wet? Did he stop and get a Jheri Curl?
Anyway, he gets himself cleaned up and comes back to the gates to deliver a speech. He says half of the herd made it back. No, you LED them back, but whatever. He assures everyone the gates will hold, but wonders if they will. OMG! I am so over this already.
He encourages everyone to hold out hope that Abraham, Daryl, Sasha, Glenn, and Nicholas will make it back. Well, all the others. Fuck Nicholas. Rick then says they should keep quiet and turn their lights off at night so as not to rile up the herd or attract more. I guess the constant noise of the walkers (which is what increased the number at the quarry) isn’t a factor. I guess standing on the tower and taking them out one by one isn’t an option. Or letting in a few at a time to kill them. Not possible.
Ron side-eyes Carl while caressing his knife. This kid is more like Rick than he knows. Aaron steps forward and tells everyone that it’s his fault the Wolves attacked because he lost his pack and they must have “followed their tracks.” This show needs to stop acting like “tracking” is something people just know how to do. They didn’t track shit, dude. You had a big-ass map with photographs in that pack. And applesauce. They just wanted more applesauce.
Jessie begins to bury the body of the wolves – including the one she killed in her kitchen – but Rick stops her with that “We don’t bury killers inside the walls” bullshit. WHY? WHY DON’T WE DO THAT? Why is Rick trying to make life harder than it already is? Every.fucking.time you leave the gates, you put your life in danger AND you risk the security of the whole camp. Why are we taking trips outside to bury bodies when it’s completely not necessary?
A group of Alexandrians decide since they’re all gonna die soon anyway, fuck rations! They storm the pantry and the poor chick in charge (I forget her name) tries to stop them. Bruce, some asshole, is all, “I’m not gonna let my family starve,” and then tries to take ALL THE BAKED BEANS. Yo, fuck this guy. For real. Deanna stands there looking dumb. Then Spencer walks up and tells everyone to cut the shit and put the beans back.
Bruce is all, “‘member that time you left the gate open and trusted Gabriel to close it and then nothing too bad happened?” And Spencer is like, “Remember that time I stopped a fucking truck from crashing our gates?”
Bruce puts the beans back.
Everyone should be keeping the noise down, but some Alexandrians (with nothing else to do, apparently) are painting names on the walls as a memorial to those who didn’t make it back. They even put Strugess’ punk-ass on there. And I guess Rick’s pep talk didn’t work cause they put Nicholas’ and Glenn’s names on there, too!
Guilt-ridden Aaron discovers Maggie gearing up to go find Glenn. He doesn’t try to talk her out of it, but offers to go with her because he knows a secret way out.
Deanna stops moping long enough to draw up city plans that include reinforced walls, crops, notes for education, training, and elections, and exploration. She labels it: Dolor hic tibi proderit olim, which means, “Someday this pain will be useful to you.”
Some think this means she was planning to kill herself and this was her way of leaving the group with something useful. I think it’s something Reg or someone else once told her, and it’s a reminder to turn the pain into something good like plans for a better community. Because if it is a suicide note then fuck her because how can they Google translate that pretentious shit? Ugh.
Also, who the fuck wants alfalfa?
She finds Spencer being a sloppy drunk in the next room. He stole liquor and other foods from the pantry after he shamed everyone else out of doing the same thing. This asshole dropped lines straight out of the White Privilege Handbook and I no longer want him with Sasha. Fuck him.
Note: We’ve only seen Morgan a tad. He was one of the ones rushing to open the gate when Rick was screaming and he was standing around for the first pep talk. DASSIT. We haven’t seen Carol AT ALL because you know she would not stand for this shit. She would have made everyone leave the pantry at gunpoint.
“Bruce, if you don’t go sit your ass down somewhere. You too, Spencer. Eh, eh, eh. Get back here with that dark liquor, Spencer. I see you.” – Carol, if this episode decided not to suck
Anyway, Spencer tells Deanna everything is her fault cause she’s a shitty leader and lowkey a shitty wife and mother.
Carl tries to recruit Ron in leaving the camp to look for Enid. Ron is like, “Nope.” He’s all, “I told her it was dangerous out there and going over the wall was mad dumb, but she kept doing it. Oh, well.” Carl can’t believe Ron doesn’t want to help his friend. Ron says, “She was my GIRLFRIEND. Don’t get it twisted.” Carl’s going to go anyway and when trying to physically stop him lands Ron on his ass, he threatens to tell Rick and then points out that Rick and others will go out looking for him looking for Enid, and then someone will die because that’s the way it works.
This kid is an asshole, but he’s making ALL THE SENSE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW.
Denise is super overwhelmed. First, she killed Holly, and now they come back with a man shot in the leg. Scott’s wound is infected and she doesn’t know what to do. Tara checks in on her to deliver ANOTHER PEP TALK.
Remember that guy Dave who wrote a shitty “If you’re reading this, I’m dead” note on a scroll? Well, his wife Betsy went to join him in that shitty note-writing class in the sky because she slit her wrists. Jessie finds her reanimated corpse in her house and puts her down in front of some other Alexandrians. She then delivers a “we fight or we die” pep talk and I’ve had just about all the pep talks I can take.
Aaron’s secret way out is through the sewers where he and Maggie encounter nasty sewer walkers. How Sway? We get it. Nicotero can make really gross zombies. Before they exit the tunnels, Maggie changes her mind and says they don’t have to go looking for Glenn. She’s pregnant and she has to live with what happened, as does Aaron. Then they hug and I seriously stopped caring.
Denise drains some really gross pus out of Scott’s wound. Then goes to see Tara and plants a big kiss on her.
Ron gets up on the guard tower with Rick – you know, let’s keep the noise down, but it’s fine to stand here where the walkers can see us and use the walkie-talkie to radio the others who are still out there – and snitches his ass off. He tells that Enid is out there and that Carl wants to go looking for her. Then he asks if Rick will teach him how to shoot. Rick gives him a gun and lets him practice on shooting the walkers at the gate.
Jessie found time to bake cookies for Sam, who has probably been hiding in the closet this whole time. He asks her to bring the cookies up to him like it’s a fucking hotel. Apparently, he’s now scarred from coming downstairs since his mother killed a woman in their kitchen. Carol threatening to leave him gutted to a tree for walkers didn’t scare him, but now he has a stair phobia. Okay. She punks out and leaves the cookies at his bedroom door.
I thought food was at a minimum since they don’t know how long it will be before they can leave the gates. And she’s baking cookies? I hate this entire town.
Deanna stares at a house while she remembers all the terrible shit her son said to her and then she’s attacked by a walker. It’s the guy Carol shot in the back at the armory. He conveniently looks like Pete, though.
She stabs it in the chest with a broken bottle… repeatedly. And it lets her. Yelling out comically bad groans with each stab. Rick finally comes to her rescue. She says she wants to live and Rick tells her, “Then you need to lead them!” Which really means, “You need to lead them by doing whatever I tell you to do so that I’m really leading them.” She says the town needs him and then asks if what she wanted for Alexandria was just pie in the sky. He says no, but his eyes say yes.
Maggie and Aaron clean Glenn and Nicholas off the wall. Their names, not their remains. Then Aaron tells Maggie that when Glenn gets back, they could name the baby after him whether it’s a boy or a girl. *eye-roll*
Spencer relieves Rosita of guard duty and she says she thought it was Carol’s turn. But Spencer tells her Carol isn’t in this episode because it’s so shitty and doesn’t deserve her. She tells him he did a good job taking out that truck. He says he just got lucky. Then she leaves and he munches on his stolen crackers. That’s right. He’s literally eating crackers with me because I now hate everything about him.
He needs something to absorb all the liquor, I guess.
Then this episode told me to go fuck myself because Rick and Jessie kiss and I seriously CANNOT EVEN WITH THIS SHOW.
Deanna bangs on the gate while walkers bang on the gate on the other side. That’ll show ’em, Deanna! As she walks away, walker blood seeps through a crack in the wall.
Good. I hope everyone gets eaten.
The Walking Dead S6E5
This episode was a hot-ass mess. Nothing of significance happened. We’re watching the Alexandrians learn lessons we watched other characters learn four seasons ago. And the big difference here is that no one gives a shit about the Alexandrians except Aaron.
Morgan doesn’t tell anyone he’s holding a wolf captive. Carol doesn’t tell anyone that Morgan is a walking liability. Carl wants to sneak out to look for Enid.
I hated everything about this.