Previously on The Walking Dead, ‘Always Accountable’
Fair warning: I’m pretty much going to be an asshole in this review/recap because I honestly don’t care enough to be serious and this is the only way I’ll get through this (and tonight’s podcast) without weeping. On the plus side, I am about 99.9% sure I will love next week’s episode because we’ll witness AT LEAST three filthy Alexandrians get eaten like a tortoise on the side of the road.
Hate to Say I Told You So, But… I Fucking Told You So
Glenn is alive and it happened exactly as I said it did and for all the reasons I pointed out weeks ago.
Exhibit A: They purposely showed Nicholas falling on top of Glenn.
Outcome: He on top gets munched on first.
Exhibit B: They never showed you where the carnage was happening.
Outcome: Your intestines aren’t directly under your neck, people.
Exhibit C: There’s a big-ass dumpster nearby.
Outcome: Fuck it. Might as well try to scoot under it.
So, Glenn’s alive and he spends an entire night on his back staring with regret at the man lying next to him. And who hasn’t been there? Amirite, ladies?
After the walkers, bored and mostly full, shuffle away, Glenn emerges and tries to drink some pretty rank walker water. Then Enid appears from above, like an emo angel who can’t throw, and wastes a perfectly good bottle of water. He tries to chase after her, but she’s playing Hide and Seek or something. I don’t know.
Meanwhile, things are happening in Alexandria, and not all of them make sense. Rick notices the tear in the wall, but doesn’t seem too terribly concerned. He completely ignores the wrecked tower next to the wall, though, even as it creaks and moans. Maybe he can’t hear it over all of his motivational speaking.
After interrupting Morgan’s morning stick workout with the news that “they need to talk… later,” Rick tells Maggie what she (and everyone else who’s been paying attention) already knows. Every time they go out there, it’s tough, but they make it back and Glenn will, too. Oh, and so will Daryl, Sasha, and Abraham, all of whom I’d completely forgotten about. Thankfully, Rick is here to remind me.
He proposes they take their time and think up a solid plan to draw the walkers away from the wall so that Glenn and others can just walk right in. Um, what the fuck else were y’all going to do?
Maggie chooses now to tell Rick that Judith is starting to look like Lori. I guess.
Gabriel is putting up signs around town – like he can’t just fucking talk to everyone – announcing a prayer session. Rick promptly rips down the signs because Rick is an asshole and fuck Gabriel and everything he stands for.
Rick is training Ron how to use a gun while Carl watches and inserts unhelpful commentary. Ron seems really anxious to have his own gun (Rick obliges), ammo (Rick’s not that stupid), and to shoot something, anything. His body language was saying, “I want to shoot your idiot son in his stupid face and blow his brains straight up into that ridiculous hat.” Rick doesn’t notice.
I notice and I’m low-key rooting for Ron.
Well, What Had Happened Was
Morgan sits down with Rick, Carol, and Michonne, the three characters most likely to not be here for any of your bullshit. And they ask him straight up if he let some Wolves go and he says yes. And then he explains his philosophy, which should have been explained on day two.
They tell him that not everyone is capable of change, and he tells them believing that and living by this code is the only thing keeping him going, even though Rick doesn’t think Morgan can survive without getting his hands dirty.
Morgan doesn’t tell them about how he has the broke Marc Anthony in a house and they don’t have a serious What the Fuck We Gonna Do About Morgan’s Problematic Ass discussion.
We waited four fucking weeks for that.
But that’s because Rick and Michonne have other, more pressing, things to talk about like how they need to devise a plan to lure away the herd. They’ll need all of their folks, but not the Alexandrians because fuck them, Rick says. Michonne disagrees.
Deanna comes running up with those plans she made. She’s all, “I know there’s about 3,802 more important things we should be focusing on, but dude, look! Alfalfa and pretentious Latin!”
Why Don’t You Have a Seat Over There
Glenn finds Dave the Shitty Note Writer with his eyeball being the only thing tethering him to the gate he died on. He puts the poor bastard out of his misery and picks up the scroll. Too bad Betsy slit her damn wrists and will never read it. Maybe she wouldn’t have if she had that note telling her Dave had made peace with his fate, but noooooo, Michonne fucked that right up.
Glenn chases after Enid, finding her in a bar. He asks what happened in Alexandria. She offers up little information and lots of attitude. He’s persistent though, because Glenn is still determined to help people… even teenage girls who don’t want it.
Glenn is persistent because it’s what Maggie would want him to do. Hey, speaking of your pregnant wife, Glenn, can you please take yo ass home already instead of trying to entice a teenage girl to go with you?
Then Enid pulls a gun on him and I’m like, I know his ass didn’t survive Dumpstergate to die on this hill.
Obligatory Pep-Talk Break!
Rosita has to pause her machete training class to tell Eugene to man the fuck up. Why does a grown-ass man need this many lectures? I mean, come the fuck on.
I swear, these people need to file into the church/schoolhouse, Little House on the Prairie-style, and have one big orientation.
- We can open with Rick telling everyone “how things are now,” and how they need to “fight together or die alone,” and then he can throw in a few “you can come back from this” and “we don’t bury killers within the walls.”
- Then Morgan can talk about how #ALLLIVESMATTER and give everyone an opportunity to join him in this philosophy and the rest of the group can take note and make sure to put those motherfuckers on kitchen duty or some other menial task least likely to leave their lives in their coddling hands.
- Then Rosita can shame Spencer’s and Eugene’s balls into dropping.
- And Carol can teach everyone how to bake a casserole and wield a knuckle knife
The we never, ever have to have any of these conversations again. But, no, that would be too much like right.
Then Rick spends all this time reinforcing a part of the wall alone until Tobin comes along and drops this truth bomb:
“Yo, when you first got here, we thought you were crazy as fuck with all the wife stealing, gun toting, and head shooting. Hell, think you still had some redneck blood and gristle in your beard. But we kinda like your crazy ass now. So, I know our entire town is on some bitchassness, but please don’t give up on us. More importantly, please don’t go Full Shane on us again.”
Enough With the Fucking Balloons
Enid and Glenn find balloons and Enid takes them because she’s a kid and kids like balloons. Or something. Apparently, Glenn is in absolutely NO RUSHATALL to get home cause he just squats on the side of the road, lecturing Enid while she blows up more balloons with a helium tank just chilling in the cut. She is SO over sharing her feelings by the way.
When they approach Alexandria, they see all the walkers at the wall and Enid is like, “Fuck.This.Shit.” She’s taking her balloons and going home.
She’s all, “The world wants to die! The universe is conspiring against us!”
And he’s all, “Um. A dumpster just saved my life. The universe likes me just fine.”
Olivia or Whatever Her Name Is Really Sucks at Her Job
Like, she literally has ONE job: Watch the fucking food and ammo. You know, the two things we need the most after shelter. That’s all she has to do is just sit on her ass and make sure those things don’t disappear and in two episodes we’ve seen her screw the pooch on both. Here, Ron creates a distraction so he can steal bullets for the gun he shouldn’t have.
I cannot wait for him to shoot Carl in his face. Would serve Rick right.
Meanwhile, Denise is trying to be good at her job, but Morgan interrupts. After some hemming and hawing, he asks for her help with someone… that someone being the murderous crazy man he’s keeping in secret.
Impossible White Man(*)
Because white people cannot help themselves when it comes to taking unnecessary risk, Spencer tries to shimmy across a wire, over the herd of walkers. This was from so far out of nowhere that I legit thought I’d either fallen asleep and missed something or I thought I was having a stroke.
Of course, he falls and almost gets eaten and Rick, Tobin, and Morgan have to pull his fool ass up. Tara helps by shooting walkers from another point on the wall, but Rick just yells at her to stop risking her life for “these people.”
Then she flips him the bird and became my new favorite everything. Yes, bitch, yes!
Carol spots Morgan walking off with Denise and knows something is up so she dumps Judith off with Jessie so she can put a stop to whatever the fuck he’s doing. We’ve now had more babies playing Judith than the United States has had presidents. Also, this baby only looks like Lori if Lori were played by J-Lo.
P.S. That is totally Shane’s baby.
Before Carol leaves she gives Sam, who still won’t bring his ass downstairs, more words of wisdom. Then she confronts Morgan.
Meanwhile, Ron is walking up on Carl, ready to pull his gun.
Rick apologizes to Tara, and assumes she helped because she wasn’t thinking. She counters that she helped because IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Rick admits to Deanna that he could have let Spencer die as a distraction to get the walkers away. He claims he only did it because Spencer is Deanna’s son. I so don’t care about any of this, you guys.
Then everyone stops to look at the pretty balloons in the sky, and Maggie is sure it’s Glenn’s signal.
But then that tower collapses on the wall so the reunion will have to wait. We gotta thin this people herd first.
*Shout-out to The Black Guy Who Tips
The Walking Dead S6E7
For the love of fuck. Can we just move on to Negan already?