Previously on The Walking Dead, ‘Heads Up’
Sam has finally snapped, y’all. This child has been so traumatized by Carol and neglected by everyone else that he refuses to leave the second floor. His meals are left for him at the top of the stairs and that’s where he returns his empty plates. Sam sits in his room, coloring pictures of young boys strapped to trees and about to be eviscerated by walkers, and listening to 1950s music on an old Victrola as 10-year-old boys are wont to do.
This mid-season finale accomplished abso-fucking-lutely nothing except explaining how you get ants. Sam leaves half a cookie on the floor and it brings all the neighborhood ants to the yard. The cold open ends with a closeup of the ant-covered cookie because this show doesn’t know the definition of the word subtle.
Run in a Straight Line Never Crossed Their Minds
The tower falls and takes out a portion of the wall. Walkers invade and everyone scatters like roaches when the lights come on. Why did they not just run straight into a house? Why did Rick feel the need to start shooting walkers, knowing good and damn well he wasn’t going to be able to stop more than the amount of bullets in his gun? Oh, I know. So that they can justify all the “confusion” that takes place when there’s really no reason for it AT ALL.
While Rick is zigzagging and shooting, Rosita and Tara help Tobin up off the ground and I don’t even know how he got there. It wasn’t an explosion. (Note: We never see Tobin again.)
Anyway, Deanna helps Rick by yelling and doing some really bad shooting acting. (Seriously. She did everything but say “pew pew” every time she fired.)
For some reason, everyone is exhausted. They’re stumbling instead of running. Rick looks worse than he did after hauling ass and bringing the entire herd to the gates. Why can’t he run straight? What did Carol trip over? This ridiculous writing, that’s what.
Maggie, for some unexplained reason, is RIGHT NEXT TO THE WALL (which wasn’t where she was when the tower fell so I’m not sure what prompted her to get CLOSER to the opening once it fell) and doing the Horror Movie White Girl Butt Scoot to get away from walkers. Why can’t she stand? What did I miss? Why is any of this happening? Instead of running to a house, she does a comically bad job of climbing a ladder and is now stranded on her back, on top of the watchtower, watching those green balloons float away, taking with them any chance of this season being good.
Let’s check in with Eugene, shall we? He’s just fucking STANDING AROUND and watching the walkers do walker shit. And even though he has a perfectly good machete in his hands, all he does is whimper when a walker gets close to him. That’s what you get for not paying attention in Machete Wielding class, Eugene. Daryl’s calling on the walkie talkie, but Eugene don’t give a shit. He’s just happy to be saved by Rosita and Tara because this show still wants this useless character around. Also, the walkers didn’t even react to the shots fired by Rosita and Tara because this show and consistency don’t go together.
The rest of the outside group almost gets surrounded, but Jessie shows up shooting and yelling, “Let’s do this!” and that’s all they need to realize that oh, hey, there’s a house right here. We should run into it.
What the fuck are you talking about, Enid?
Meanwhile, outside the gates, Glenn is ready to enter the subdivision from another area because his pregnant wife and his friends are in there. This makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is that Enid requires yet another fucking pep talk/lecture to follow him.
“This is how it happens. This is how it always happens, Glenn.”
What the fuck is she talking about? Her parents died, she ate a turtle, she lived in Alexandria, and then she didn’t. DASSIT. Why is she talking like she’s seen some thangs? More importantly, why the fuck is Glenn working so hard to drag her raggedy ass along with him? Ugh. Boy, get yo ass in there and save your wife and stop worrying about this child.
Jessie is the worst mother ever
Sam just trying to get his Howard Hughes on and these fools come busting in with an injured Deanna. She fell on a saw outside because of course she did.
Sam is pale, sweaty, and has red circles around his eyes. What does Jessie do? She tells him to be brave, or at the very least, pretend he’s someone who is brave. And while he’s at it, he should probably turn off that fucking music because brave people don’t listen to shit like that. And neither do scared shitless little boys.
Deanna has been bitten. Good.
Rick whispers to Jessie. He asks if Deanna understands what’s about to happen to her. Not sure why the fuck this isn’t something they discussed weeks and weeks ago. He’s gonna wait till the walkers wander off before making a run for it to lead them away. And I don’t even care.
Michonne tells Deanna her plans will work. She asks about the Latin, but Deanna doesn’t tell her what it means. Instead, she tells Michonne to figure out what she wants for herself.
Oh, my God. This is so fucking bad.
Ron is finally out of fucks
Oh, shit! Something interesting is about to happen. Ron slinks off into the garage and Carl follows. Ron is talking crazy. Everyone’s dead and shit is terrible. Rick is just going to get more people killed because he’s the worst. Carl is like, “Your dad wasn’t shit either so…”
Ron locks them in the garage and tries to shoot Carl, but Carl ain’t come this far to go out like that. They fight, the glass door is broken and walkers come a’walkin’. Rick and Jessie finally break in and everyone hustles to keep the door closed because now the walkers are in the garage. Nice going, Ron.
Carl ain’t no snitch and claims he and Ron just knocked over a shelf. While Jessie and Rick block the door with a sofa (like, I can’t even), Carl and Ron go off in search of nightstands to reinforce the sofa. I’m not making that up.
Carl refusing to be a tattle-tale would have been fine if he calmly shot Ron in the head once they were alone, but he doesn’t. He just demands Ron’s gun and tells him his father wasn’t shit. Again.
I really hope Ron tries to kill EVERYONE the first opportunity he gets.
Then shit really got ridiculous
Judith starts crying because she was left upstairs alone with a mortally injured woman and a little boy who probably has pee jars in his closet. WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?
Rick walks in on what he thought was Walker Deanna eating his baby, but it’s just regular old weak-ass Deanna on her knees by the playpen. That bitch almost caught an axe to the head, but that would have been too much like right so the show didn’t go there.
She says she just wanted to “see her one last time.” Um, lady. You just met her. If you don’t get yo dying ass back to dying and stop trying to hold people’s babies…
Also, didn’t your mother tell you to turn that fucking music off, Sam? What the fuck? How has Jessie allowed this shit to go this far? How is your son living with ants in a funky-ass room, coloring macabre shit, and looking like he’s going through meth withdrawals and you’ve not addressed this?
Anyway, Deanna passes Rick two notes for Spencer and Maggie, and asks him if he’ll look after Spencer. Rick says yes.
She’s like, “No, will you look after him despite his bitchass ways? Will you look after him like he’s someone who doesn’t make poor life choices that puts others in danger? Basically, will you look after him like he’s Daryl? Like you actually give a shit? Please and thank you.”
Deanna tells Rick everyone there is his people and he says, “We haven’t had a chance to make it that.” Yeah, Rick. You were too busy plotting how you could take the place away from them and fuck their wives. Every opportunity you had to make them your people, you didn’t.
It’s Rosita’s Turn for a Pep Talk
In the garage, while Eugene reads a world history book by lighter light, Rosita has had just about enough. She wonders if this is how it ends and Tara delivers a pep talk because this show has a three-pep talk minimum per episode. It’s in their contracts. Rosita thinks Abraham is dead. Nope. He’s alive, girl. You worried about him and he’s tryna get in Sasha’s drawers. Tara’s words work and Rosita is ready to get about the business of surviving.
Eugene chooses now to reveal he can pick locks. Good thing they were holed up in the makeshift school so there’s a paper clip handy.
This fucking show.
That bullshit IKEA couch
The house Rick and crew are in becomes overrun with walkers so everyone heads upstairs and they use the couch to block the stairs. I thought walkers couldn’t navigate stairs? Oh, well. We all know this show has never met consistency. Also, that couch is light enough that one person can just lift and move it, but sturdy enough to hold off those walkers? Okay.
Carol is still the baddest motherfucker
Inside the house with the wolf, Carol is sure Morgan is hiding something. She fakes dizziness and a concussion and Morgan is too damn stupid to realize it.
Downstairs, Denise is with the wolf and she is now on some Morgan shit. She tells him he wasn’t born an evil son-of-a-bitch and can change. Then she starts to treat his wound. She needs her ass kicked.
When I tell you I would let that motherfucker die of sepsis, I mean that shit.
Carol gets the drop on Morgan and rushes into the basement where she finds Denise tending to the wolf.
Carol is all, “What fresh hell is this?”
Morgan steps between Carol and the wolf, who just looks amused. Carol has a knife. Morgan has his peace stick. The show then asked viewers to go online and vote on Carol v. Morgan. They didn’t give you the option to vote for the wolf cause he would have won handily.
All up in them guts
Rick and Michonne inform everyone they’re gonna need some sheets. It’s arts and crafts time, and they’re going to show everyone how to make Guts Ponchos! They get busy pulling out walker innards. Jessie and Gabe look nauseated. Ron looks aroused.
Tiptoe Through the Tulips still plays in the background and I kinda wanna beat Sam to death with that record player.
Carol v. Morgan
Morgan says they are no better than the wolves if they kill. Someone needs to explain to Morgan that killing to protect yourself does makes you better than killing for the sake of killing, then hacking up body parts in the street. I mean, why is this so hard to grasp?
Carol is all, “I don’t want to kill you, Morgan,” and I low-key thinks she’s lying. Cause I wanna kill him, too. He says she can’t kill him and I’m like, Morgan, you have clearly not been paying attention.
They fight, Carol gets knocked out, then the wolf knocks out Morgan. Denise begs for their lives, and he’s just about to kill her when Tara, Eugene, and Rosita walk in, guns drawn. He orders them to drop their guns and slide them over as he holds a knife to Denise’s neck.
Remember how he was like, “When I get loose, I’m killing everyone”? Yeah, well, that turned out to be bullshit because once he has the guns, he just leaves with Denise.
This show is so fucking ridiculous. The entire threat with the wolves was that they were crazy killers. You can’t negotiate with them. Why the fuck didn’t he kill everyone? Why does he need a hostage? Does he need access to the vault? A chopper on the roof? $5 million in unmarked bills?
But the bigger question is, why didn’t Rosita shoot that motherfucker in the forehead?
You gonna tell me what that Latin means or nah?
Michonne goes to tell Deanna that shit has gotten the realest, but Deanna is not ready to go yet. Um, bitch you better get ready. Deanna has a gun and will take her own life when she’s ready. Then she tells Michonne what that Latin means, finally.
Everyone is getting into their Guts Ponchos and I’m like, “When is Jessie going to tell Sam what’s going on?” I mean, there’s no way she forgot her other son, right? Hell, that music is still playing. He won’t let her forget.
And then Sam walks in the room and sees his mom digging in a walker’s chest cavity.
“Who are you again?”
Kidding. But really, when were they going to get this child?
This kid is understandably freaking out. Jessie advises him to just pretend he’s brave. She’s officially a worse mother than Lori, and she was pretty fucking terrible.
Pretend to be someone other than yourself, stupid!
Everyone is ready to go. Gabriel promises Rick he won’t punk out again and for some reason, despite all his unaddressed animosity, Rick says he believes him. Say what, now?
A Montage of Stupid
Remember how Deanna was going to kill herself? She does not. She decides to shoot a few walkers first and then let them eat her because that’s the way to go, and now we got one more fucking walker to worry about that. Thanks, Deanna. Good riddance.
Glenn and Enid climb a tree and spot Maggie on the tower. That’s something. I guess.
The Guts Poncho crew hold hands and begin to slowly walk outside, cutting through the walkers. This plan might work!
Wait. Sam has something to say, everyone. And it apparently can’t wait until they’re not surrounded by walkers.
I hate that fucking kid.
The Walking Dead S6E8
Man, fuck this show.