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True Blood – S5E10 – Gone, Gone, Gone

Let me start this week’s recap by saying that it took me ten episodes, but I finally figured out why this season is so horrible. Anna Paquin went and got herself knocked up. Preggers means no naked sex scenes with Bill and Eric. And since they can’t put her in a storyline with either of them without lots of fucking, they had to just write her into some completely stupid storyline which involves her sitting behind pillows and wearing grotesque flowery dresses! That said, I will never quit you, True Blood. No matter how ridiculous you get.

 

All five True Blood factories have been blown the fuck up. Steve Newlin goes on TV to assure the world they’re working with Homeland Security to find whoever did it. Sookie turns the TV off to dig into some Chinese food and something that looks suspiciously like important work. Her doorbell rings and it’s Mike, the coroner. He tries to eat Sookie (when did HE get turned?) and she kills him with chopsticks.

The Authority stakes the tech vamp who tried to help Eric escape.

Hoyt’s mama is driving him home from the hospital, happy to hear that he’s finally done with Jessica. She flips her shit when he says he is moving to Alaska.

Things are not going well with the new sheriff of Area 5, Elijah. He tells Pam and Tara there needs to be 30 new baby vamps by the end of the month per The Authority’s mandate.

Andy cleans up the Mike crime scene. Mike was a big toe-sucking, crime scene masturbating creep so no one will really miss him and Andy suggests to Sookie that they keep what happened between them. Bon Temp’s law enforcement at its finest.

Bill forces Eric to drink more of Lilith’s blood. Nora takes it with him and they proceed to trip balls again. Bill watches them from another room via security camera. Godric appears to them instead of Lilith and tells Nora she is wrong. He used to believe that killing humans was the way until he evolved. Lilith appears and kills Godric. Nora and Eric weep. From the other room, Bill says, “Praise Lilith.”

Steve and Russell dance among the scattered corpses of the frat boys they just killed.

Jessica shows up at Merlotte’s and Sam and Lafayette stop two rednecks from shooting her. The bar clears out. Jason arrives and he and Jessica both admit that they’re meeting someone. Then Hoyt arrives. He tells them that he’s moving to Alaska. They’re not happy about it. Hoyt asks Jessica to glamour him so he doesn’t remember either of them. She does and it is the saddest scene EVER.

 

I wasn’t crying! It’s just really hot in here and my eyeballs were sweating.

 

Pam refuses to turn people because Elijah and The Authority said so. She tells Tara that they’ll give up the bar and live in the wind. Jason figures out that Gran probably meant there was something ELSE under Sookie’s bed that would help her. They find a box under the floorboards with a scroll in it. The scroll has weird characters on it.

 

 

Luna and Sam try to confirm that Steve Newlin still has baby wolf Emma. He assures her they will find Emma. They see a commercial for a live show on which Steve Newlin will be appearing.

Sookie and Jason consult an expert who tells them the scroll isn’t in a human language.

 

Andy and Holly are the only people at Merlotte’s. Lafayette serves them a really good meal since the town’s social life is pretty non-existant with all the hungry vampires out there and he has time to get his culinary swerve on, cooking something other than hot wings and fried pickles.  (I have no idea if that’s actually on the menu at Merlotte’s, but doesn’t it totally sound feasible?)

At home, Jessica remembers being with Hoyt. Her good time is interrupted when an Authority security team arrives to take her to Bill at his command. Steve Newlin is on TV, denying that vampires had anything to do with the factory bombings. Luna and Sam are mice and sneak into Steve’s dressing room at the TV station, looking for Emma. Not finding her, they stowaway in his bag when he leaves. Eric tells The Authority he has been converted and asks for forgiveness. They accept, but Russell is skeptical.

Jason and Sookie are in his patrol car when he spots Hoyt leaving town. He pulls him over and starts to beg him to stay, but he realizes Hoyt is better off and lets him go. Back in the car, Jason sobs in Sookie’s arms.

 

My eyeballs are sweating again!

At The Authority HQ, Steve scolds Emma when he finds she has shifted back into a little girl. As mice, Sam and Luna scurry off.

Tara lures the Elijah into Pam’s office, freaking out because she tried to turn Ginger, but accidentally killed her instead. When he leans over Ginger’s body, she stabs him with a silver dagger and then Tara takes his head CLEAN THE FUCK OFF with a silver sword. Pam rushes in. She looks slightly impressed when Tara tells her, “We’re not leaving. No one fucks with us in our house.”

 

Russell wants to capture and harness fairies for their blood. The blood keeps them free from harm of the sun and he wants to be out in the sun ALL.THE.TIME. Everyone is all, “Yeah. No.” Russell turns on The Authority telling them he does what the fuck he wants and he won’t be held back by Lilith. He even loses that ridiculous southern accent and falls back into the accent that comes from wherever the hell he’s from 3,000 years ago.

Sookie and Jason take the scroll to the fairy club and one uses magic to decipher it. It’s an agreement from one of Sookie’s ancestors promising the first female fairy in his family to Warlow. Claude tells Sookie that SHE is the first female fairy Stackhouse since the agreement was made back in the 1700s.

About Nina Perez (1391 Articles)
Nina Perez is the founder of Project Fandom. She is also the author of a YA series of books, "The Twin Prophecies," and a collection of essays titled, "Blog It Out, B*tch." Her latest books, a contemporary romance 6-book series titled Sharing Space, are now available on Amazon.com for Kindle download. She has a degree in journalism, works in social media, lives in Portland, Oregon, and loves Idris Elba. When not watching massive amounts of British television or writing, she is sketching plans to build her very own TARDIS. She watches more television than anyone you know and she's totally fine with that.

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