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True Blood – S5E3 – Whatever I Am, You Made Me

Newly-vamped Tara marvels over her ability to heal from the holy water mist and to see and hear every little noise in the woods from the possum chilling in the tree to the stars twinkling in the sky. When she hears Lafayette and Sookie approaching, she hauls ass with vampire speed. She comes across a blond damsel in distress, standing near her broken-down car. When the girl tries to appeal to Tara for help, Tara starts to bite her, but comes to her senses, apologizes, and lets her go.

 

At The Authority HQ, the council members argue over whether or not Bill and Eric should be allowed to live and bring in Russell. Eventually, Ramon agrees that they should try. Then he asks to see ‘the new Nan Flannigan.’ It’s Steve Newlin!

Sookie goes to Fangtasia, looking for Pam to help track down Tara. Pam refuses and orders Sookie out of her bar, Eric is missing and that’s all she cares about. Sookie swears Bill and Eric being gone has nothing to do with her. When she doesn’t leave, Pam pushes Sookie across the bar and Sookie retaliates with Super Fairy Light Power. Pam is not amused.

Sam is closing up Merlotte’s when he smells something funny outside. It’s Tara.

Ramon tells Steve Newlin that Nan told the world that Russell Edgington is dead, but he’s out there and they’re going to need some damage control. Newlin is all,

 

Ramon is not amused, either. He’s all, “You been a vampire for five minutes. We got a problem if I say we got a damn problem.” He tells him that humans shouldn’t be underestimated. If Russell shows up on TV again, he will need Steve to be a vampire PR superstar.

Eric and Bill are outfitted with these tracking devices that will also kill them if they step out of line. They look like they’re in a gay vampire boy band.

Lafayette and Sookie are cleaning up the house, worried about Tara. She’s at Merlotte’s knocking back cases of True Blood. She doesn’t want Sam calling Sookie or Lafayette and then passes out as the sun’s about to rise.

Something happens at the police station that involves a booty-pic of Andy on Facebook – Holly’s son’s did it. He freaks out cause everyone is looking at it. Debbie Pelt’s parents show up to speak to Andy.

Jason runs into an old teacher of his in the supermarket. They’re all flirty and it’s kinda gross.

Arlene wants Terry to tell her what is going on with him and Patrick, but he won’t. He tells her he’s leaving with Patrick, but won’t say where they are going, how long they’ll be gone, or what they’ll be doing. And I’m all Zzzzz.

Sookie and Lafayette at Merlotte’s looking for Tara. Sookie reads Sams mind and realizes Tara is in the walk-in freezer.

Pam dreams of San Fran, 1905 when she ran THE WORST WHOREHOUSE EVER. Holy crap!

 

Eric arrives looking for her, not her whores. They interrupt Bill and his maker, Lorena, who have been draining hookers and killing them. Bill tries to jump bad with Eric, but Eric shuts that shit down. They leave, promising not to screw with Pam’s merchandise. They also agree to pay her for all the damage and dead whores.

Jason fucks his teacher. That’s all you need to know.

Debbie’s parents go to Alcide and tell them where Debbie’s car was last seen. Alcide realizes it’s near Sookie’s house, but keeps his mouth shut. He tells them that Debbie was back on the vamp blood and that he abjured her after finding out she was screwing Marcus.

Andy questions Sookie about Debbie. Sookie says she hasn’t seen Debbie, but admits that she hated Debbie because Sookie is fucking stupid. Lafayette overhears and he’s pissed and freaked out.

Jason feels bad for fucking his teacher. Both Bill and Eric fuck Salome, from the Bible. Pam has a flashback to asking Eric to turn her, but he refused. She slits her wrists, giving him little choice. Jessica encounters a fairy in a store and chases him to an empty field before losing him.  Nora is tortured. Jessica and Jason try being ‘just friends.’

Alcide shows up at Merlotte’s and tries to get Sookie to tell him what happened with Debbie. She insists nothing is going on. And then there’s screaming from the walk-in freezer, signaling that there is indeed something going. Tara vamps out on everyone. Arlene hides behind Alcide which cracks me up. I’d hug up on his ass, too.

Later, Lafayette snaps at Arlene and then, possessed by the demon, pours bleach in the gumbo. He snaps out of it and dumps the pot. Sookie confesses what really happened to Alcide. He’s pissed.

Tara breaks into a tanning salon and starts to fry herself in a tanning bed. Pam feels what’s happening from the club. “You stupid bitch.”

 

About Nina Perez (1391 Articles)
Nina Perez is the founder of Project Fandom. She is also the author of a YA series of books, "The Twin Prophecies," and a collection of essays titled, "Blog It Out, B*tch." Her latest books, a contemporary romance 6-book series titled Sharing Space, are now available on Amazon.com for Kindle download. She has a degree in journalism, works in social media, lives in Portland, Oregon, and loves Idris Elba. When not watching massive amounts of British television or writing, she is sketching plans to build her very own TARDIS. She watches more television than anyone you know and she's totally fine with that.

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