Last night’s season 6 premiere of True Blood gave us all a much needed, well-executed reminder that no matter what (and by that I mean, those godforsaken fairies), you just can’t quit being a Truebie.
Season 6 picks up exactly where Season 5 ended. Sookie and Eric stare in disbelief while Bill Compton goes all YOLO on them by downing a bottle of Lilith’s blood like a shot of Jack. Straight. No chaser. He then turns into a pile of hot bloody goo on the floor and just as you think, “Oh no they didn’t just kill Bill!”, he is reborn naked and covered in blood. Sorta hot, mostly not. We then get our first glimpse of Bill’s/Lilith’s/Billith’s shitty new disposition as goes vampire ape-shit on Eric and Sookie. Luckily their mommas ain’t raise no dummies and they’re smart enough to high-tail it on out of there.
The usual cast of characters – Jason, Nora, Pam, Tara, and Jessica – all manage to escape as well. Just in the nick of time, too. As they all run to their getaway car, a fire breaks out in the building, causing an explosion. Billith makes it out too and shockingly, Eric doesn’t stick around to offer him a ride. That’s okay though, Billith shows everyone he now has the power of flight.
Lights out, Luna
When we meet back up with Sam, Luna and little shape-shifter Emma, Sam is trying to save Luna who can’t get her shit together after shifting into Steve Newlin at the end of season 5. Just as they narrowly escape the Council, Luna can’t go any further and sensing that the end is near she begs Sam to promise to take care of Emma. Sam, still holding out hope, reluctantly agrees. Just as he does, Luna dies. Yup. Just like that.
Kill Bill vs. Still Bill?
A chunk of the premiere was spent trying to figure out who or what Bill has become and if everyone should just kill his ass or not. Nora says there is no way she’s dealing with Billith and votes to stake the shit out of him ASAP, pissing off Jessica with her words. Jessica is “called” by Bill and cannot physically resist going to him, but Eric tries to hold her at bay resulting in her vomiting blood all over him. Sookie can’t take seeing Jessica in pain and volunteers to go to Bill with Jessica. When they get there a so-fresh-and-so-clean Billith is chillin’ on a porch swing and just as he starts to speak Eric and Nora swoop in to attack him. Seeing Eric pinned under Billith’s super-strength grip, Sookie decides Billith would look better dead and stakes him through the back. Billith, being the super-vamp that he is, side-eyes Sookie as he pulls the stake from his body and drops it faster than Kanye could drop a mic at a Taylor Swift concert.
Bill then claims that he “means no harm” and says he’s not Lilith but just a roided-up version of his former self. Sookie tells Billith that she’s ain’t buyin’ the bullshit he’s sellin’ and says that if he really meant “no harm” that he’d pack his shit up and leave forever. This strikes a chord with Jessica who comes to her maker’s defense and turns on Sookie saying she’s staying with Bill and that she and her vamp-ourage are the ones that need to leave. They aren’t moving fast enough which pisses Billith off enough to make the ground shake(yeah, because old Bill could do that, right?).
It turns out that Bill’s new powers include stopping things from falling with his mind. He also hears Lilith (that naked bloody vampire lady) calling him from the other room.
Pam is super sad that Eric doesn’t care about her anymore. She goes off to go pout on the beach until she remembers she hates that shit because of, “Fish piss and sand in your cooch.”. Her and Tara then go back to Fangtasia where Tara tries to comfort her, but Pam tells her that they aren’t about to embark on some “epic love story” and that Tara can never replace Eric. Then, the police bust into Fangtasia to tell Pam that her business must be shut down. Tara tries to defend her, which earns her a cap in her ass.
Alcide the Alpa Male
Alcide learns that the only way to become Packmaster is to take a healthy bite out of the dead body of the previous Packmaster, which he totally does. Eww. The upside to doing this is chicks fucking dig it….err, at least were-chicks do.
After running around the woods with the were-chick, Alcide decides they should get it on and just as they are about to, Rikki comes out of nowhere and suggests they have a threesome and warns Alcide he better “never forget” that she’s his “number 1 bitch” as she shoves the other girl to her knees to ummmm, yeah…use your imagination here_________.
Jason is still pissed off about this Warlow dude killing his parents and thinks every vampire should pay for it. He just can’t let it go and in typical Jason form (aka, big doofus) he storms off after pointing a gun at Nora and telling all the vamps to fuck off. He walks down a dark road where he flags down an oncoming vehicle and asks for a ride. Jason gets in and spills his vampire story, he realizes he’s in the car with Warlow. As soon as Jason puts the pieces together, Warlow disappears from the driver’s seat. WTF, Jason?!