Previously on True Blood: “‘F*ck The Pain Away”
Before we get started, in case you missed it: This will not be the last season of True Blood. It was confirmed last week that the show will return for a 7th season next summer. No true death for True Blood! At least not yet. OK. Let’s get to it.
Lafayette is sanctifying Sookie’s ass, and by sanctifying, I mean he’s trying to drown her in the river because he’s possessed by the spirit of her dad, who would rather see his baby girl dead than married to Warlow.
Speaking of Warlow, he senses that Sookie is in danger as does Bill. Bill allows Warlow to leave in order to save Sookie. Warlow arrives, pushes Lafayette away, and pulls Sookie from the water. He’s about to kill Lafayette, but Sookie tells him to blast Lafayette with his fairy light in the hopes that it will cast her father out of Lafayette… which sounds really wrong.
Warlow does and it works. Through Lafayette, Sookie tells her daddy’s ghost to beat it and don’t come back. With not so much as a “Sorry I tried to kill you, baby,” he’s ghost. And by ghost I mean, out.
More Daddy Issues
In the vampire detention camp, Pam and Eric circle each other in the viewing room. The governor is downright giddy that he’s going to get to see some violence. Pam isn’t too happy that Eric made another vamp. They levitate off the ground, wooden stakes poised to attack. Instead of each other, they attack the armed guards hiding in the walls.
Pam slams one against the glass and Eric impales him with a stake, leaving a hole. He peers through the glass and spies Steve Newlin. That’s yo ass, Steve!
Newlin makes excuses, but before Eric and Pam can do more damage, they’re returned to their respective cells.
Sign Me Up
Jason signs up for vampire-killing boot camp, impressing the recruiter with his vast vampire knowledge. He conveniently leaves out all the vampire fucking he’s done.
When he makes it to the facility, he pretends to not know Sarah Newlin, and she’s clearly not happy to see him. When they’re alone, he tells her he’s going to get Jessica out of there, and she’s going to let him or else he’ll tell everyone she’s a whore for Christ.
Sam Needs a Plan
Nicole lights into Sam in their motel room. Emma is freaking out because the poor child has lost both of her parents in the past few weeks and now she’s living in a seedy motel with Sam and a woman she really doesn’t know. The child needs stability! Meanwhile, Alcide shows up at the motel having received a call from his dad, who spotted Sam and Nicole last episode. He only called after he boned some were-chick from the bar and ordered some KFC. Of course, this means that Sam and Nicole are long gone. Alcide sniffs their sex sheets to get their scent. Ewww.
Tie Me Up
Warlow is being summoned by Bill, but Sookie takes his hands and leads him to Fairy Land… or something… in order to ignore Bill. He tells her that when night comes – does the sun go down in Fairy Land? – he’ll vamp out so she should probably tie him to a tree with some vines and then bind it with her fairy light to make sure he can’t break free. Apparently, fairy light is like duct tape. That shit does EVERYTHING.
What’s In a Name
Andy names his daughter because she’s about sick of being called #4. He names her a name that starts with an A that I can’t remember, a name that starts with a B to remind her of #1, Charlaine
because that’s the author of these damn books’ name to remind her of #2, and Danica to remind her of #3. Great. Now that child has more names than a Puerto Rican.
Arlene: Fucking Shit Up Since Season 1
Terry goes to Lafayette’s house in the middle of the night to give Lafayette a key to his safety deposit box. Lafayette is all, WTF? And Terry insists there’s no what in the fuck going on. He just wants Lafayette to have this key. Then he hugs LaLa and leaves. Rightfully so, LaLa calls Arlene and is all, “Something is up with your boy.” Arlene thinks Terry is going to kill himself because he’s all fucked up in the head over the war and what they did to Patrick last season. She tells Holly that she just wishes Terry would forget any of that stuff ever happened.
Holly gets the bright idea to call over a vampire friend of hers who later glamours Terry into forgetting the Marines, the war, all of it. All he knows is that he’s a father, stepfather, husband, and a small town cook. I thought the idea was to get him NOT to kill himself.
Anyway, we all know this isn’t good because Terry is not going to remember that he asked his military friend to kill him. Oh, Arlene.
The governor’s first plan didn’t work out as he’d hoped, but he has another. While Eric is chained inside of a cage, Nora is wheeled in, tied to a gurney. One of the scientists injects her with Hep-V and they leave her there for Eric to watch her die.
Bill realizes that Jessica is gone and knows that his vision of her in the white room, facing the true death is about to come true. He makes the scientist he kidnapped drug him into a coma so he can communicate with Lilith. It works, and he is once again led by the Merkin Triplets to Lilith.
He asks for answers, she speaks in riddles. It’s quite ridiculous. When he wakes up, he forces the scientist to give him the fairy blood concoction, even though they’re not sure if it will work.
It does work and Bill is able to stroll into the sunlight and not burst into flames. He heads for the vamp camp.
Sam meets with Martha and gives her Emma. He realized that Nicole was right and the road is no place for a were pup shifter whateverthefuck. She’s grateful and Emma is happy to go, even if it means she can no longer eat Funyuns for dinner because for a redneck werebitch, Martha has surprisingly good eating habits. You know, when she’s not dining on her dead son.
Alcide arrives after they’re gone and even though Sam gave up Emma, Alcide warns Sam that if he ever goes to Shreveport, Bon Temps, or any other Louisiana shithole town, his pack will kill him. Sam is all, “Fine by me. It’s not like I own a fucking business there or nothing!”
Speaking of which, while Terry is taking out the trash at Merlotte’s, he is shot in the neck and dies in Arlene’s arms.
Because she’s a twat, Sarah Newlin arranges to make Jason watch a Copulation Study. After explaining to him that copulation means fucking, Jessica is brought into another observation room where a hottie, shirtless male vampire waits. His name is James and he refuses to have sex with Jessica. “I’m a vampire, not a rapist!” Oh, man. WHO Is this guy? I want to know more about him with his fine ass. They start blasting him with UV light, which causes Jessica to agree to sleep with him. She tells James that it will feel like she’s a virgin, but she’s not and he really freaks out. It’s so hot and chivalrous all at the same time. They drag Jessica away, but she manages to tell James her name before the door closes. Awwww. I smell a vampmance!
Billith: Badass Motherfucker
Bill shows up outside the facility and the governor and his guards freak the hell out when they realize Bill’s a vamp and he can walk in the daylight and that their puny bullets aren’t doing shit. Bill makes the guards shoot each other. The governor is ready to be a martyr for the cause of wiping out the vampire species. Bill assures him that will never happen and then grants the governor his wish by RIPPING HIS HEAD CLEAN THE FUCK OFF.
It is glorious.
Eric summons Willa, who answers his call after getting advice from Tara on how to escape. Willa helps Eric and Nora get out of the room after compelling and later killing a guard. She insists that they have to also rescue Tara and Jessica. Eric reluctantly agrees to let her, but he heads for the bottling room where massive amounts of Hep-V contaminated True Blood is being prepared for shipment.
Sookie admits to be a danger whore and then uses her all-purpose fairy light to make sure Warlow’s binds are nice and tight before getting naked, letting him feed off of her, biting his neck, and then screwing his brains out.
That’s our Sookie. Always thinking with her clitoris.