Previously on True Blood, ‘Dead Meat’
This week’s penultimate episode was titled, “Life Matters.” If you ask me, it should have really been titled, “Let’s Drag out Terry’s Funeral as Long as Humanly Possible and Sprinkle in Some Actual Storyline Just to Fuck with All the Truebies Emotions,” because that’s exactly what happened.
Am I right? Or AMIRIGHT?! Yup. That’s exactly what I thought.
Now, let’s recap this mutha….
We open with Billith and Sookie in a darkened fairie dimension where they find Warlow, who almost met the true-death after being drained of his hybrid fairie-vamp blood by Eric. Bill and Sookie then argue (per the usual) about using Warlow’s blood to save vamp-kind. Sookie suggests he uses Eric instead since he now has more of Warlow’s blood pumping through his veins than Warlow does himself. Billith doesn’t particularly care for that idea or the fact that Sookie offered her own blood up to heal Warlow (Jealous, much?) and attempts to plead his case only to get knocked back into Bon Temps by Sookie’s well-honed fairie light.
Bill heads to Vamp Camp to find Eric and is greeted by a bunch of dismembered guards at the entrance. Like Billith, Eric can now day-walk (thanks to Warlow) making this midday rampage all possible. As vengeance for Nora’s murder, and the other jailed vampires, Eric punished Dr. Overlark by ripping out his genitals with one swift move and throwing them on the floor. Yup. That really happened. Eric Northman ripped a man’s penis and testicles from his body like it was NOTHING. Leaving the man who brought Hep V into the world to die a slow, agonizing death – at least until Bill stomped on his face (which was equally as disgusting as removing someone’s manhood). Eric frees his fellow vamps and instructs them to kill the humans. They happily oblige. Massacre ensues. Eric also finds Jason lying shirtless on a table in shitty shape from being a prision bitch/vamp food group, and heals him. Jason tells Eric that the Vamp Camp guards took Tara, Jessica, Pam and the others.
Eric and Jason race to find their friends and end up finding Pam’s shrink, Dr. Finn, who brags about fucking her, and as Jason pulls one of the best “Oh no you di-n’ts!” I have ever seen, Eric calmly tells him that he’s not going to kill him…he’s going to bring him to Pam so she can. Classic.
Somehow, Sarah Newlin is still fucking alive and finds her way to the nearest exit and starts chanting some sort of Bible bullshit as she makes her way up to the roof of the “white room” so she can open up the hatch to let the sun bring the vamps to their true-death. Ya know, like Jesus wants. That bitch is crazy.
When Eric and Jason finally get to the white room to save Pam and the rest of the crew they find everyone in the room, except for that big ass baby, Steve Newlin, feasting on Billith like it’s the Last Supper.
When Sarah lets the sun shine in the only vamp who catches the heat is Steve since he didn’t get to drink any of Billith’s blood with the cool vamps. He tries to escape as Eric opens the door when Eric grabs him and pushes him back in the sunlight. Bill attempts to interject by telling Eric to let Steve drink his blood, but Eric is in full rage-mode and ain’t havin’ it. Steve realizes he’s going to meet his true-death and looks up at Sarah and screams, “I love you… Jason Stackhouse!” before he’s set ablaze by the sun and turned into a bloody goopy mess on the floor. Awkward.
Bill doesn’t go back to Lillith’s naked minions when they ask (meaning he’s close to true-death himself), instead he walks away with the other vampires after Jessica’s new love interest, James offers up his blood to save him. They meet up with the other vamps outside and have some sort of Woodstock moment where they are dancing around, high as kites, before they catch sight of all the Hep V infected True Blood and go straight up Bloods vs. Crips on it.
Somewhere in all this, Jason tracks down Sarah and tackles her like a goddamn football player, pulls a gun on her….and then fucking lets her go. Yup. He really did that stupid shit.
Now, all this stuff I just wrote makes it seem like this episode was action packed, and don’t get me wrong, it was great….but over half the episode was spent on Terry’s funeral. Was he that goddamn important and I just missed it?! Seriously. That storyline was horrible. I obviously missed the point of Terry Bellefleur as a main character. The highlight of the entire funeral was, and will always be, Lafayette.
I’m not kidding.
See what I mean? He is magnificent. I need a Lafayette spinoff, right the fuck now.
Grandma Bellefleur can’t keep her trap shut for shit and didn’t see the point of Big John’s song. Also, she’s a racist. Racists do not get a GIF. Move along.
Sookie comes out of the mind-reading closet.
Alcide is done being a complete fucking asshole (for now) and looks damn good in a suit.
That’s like really all that happened at Terry’s funeral. Flashbacks (that were pretty generic) of how people met Terry, happened. Big John sang some church song and Arlene told him it “was the shit” when he was through. Everyone cried, blah, blah, blah. Half the cast spent an hour in the goddamn cemetery for no good reason. Stupid.
I’d like to add two additional comments here:
1 – Pam and Eric are all the things and when Pam said, “Don’t you dare leave me” before he went full on rocket launch out of there…..a little piece of me died. Where the hell is he even going?! The writers better not fuck up this dynamic. Real talk.
2 – This scene was deliberate and beautiful. Well played, True Blood. Well. Played.