Welp. Here we are again, Truebies. This is it. True Blood is officially back for its seventh and final season, and it wasted absolutely no time in letting us know the true death is right around the corner. And it, the writers, and Bill (Steven Moyer directed this premiere episode) give a total of ZERO fucks about any our our feelings.
They let us know this in the first 3 minutes of the opener when they killed off Tara.
You fucking read that right.
THEY KILLED OFF TARA.
And they didn’t even do us a solid by letting us see how it went down. We start off with the same Hep-V Vampires vs. Bon Temp Humans battle that closed out season 6. Infected vamps are grabbing up humans left and right. No one is safe, not even our favorite band of vamps. Tara was there and then, well, she just wasn’t. No closure at all. All we got was Lettie Mae’s over-the-top screaming while covered in Tara’s bloody remains. That’s how you know they aren’t going to give even a half of a shit (Is that a thing? Fuck it. It is now.) about the emotional toll it may have on us this season.
As the attack at Bellefleur’s ends with a whistle (seriously, a whistle?) we learn not only of Tara’s death but that Arlene, Holly, Nicole and Kevin the cop were all kidnapped by the Hep-V vamps. Sam and Alcide strip down and shape shift into Bon Temp’s K-9 Unit and go after them.
Jason calls up Sheriff Andy, who’s at home with Adilyn in some form of protest of the Bon Temp shit show, and fills him in on everything he’s missed. Andy grabs his gun and heads to Bellefleurs giving strict orders to Adilyn not to let their guilt-ridden bodyguard, Jessica, in under any circumstances. Andy arrives and is greeted by Bill, Jason, the worst search dogs ever Alcide and Sam. Bill suggests looking for them in the places that Hep-V vamps nest and off they go.
“I FEEL RELIEVED”
While Scoob and the gang pile into the Mystery Machine and set out to save the day, Bellefeurs’ patrons are in a state of shock and Lafayette is seen staring off into space with a bottle of liquor. Normally, I would tell him this is not the time for that, but Lafayette is an entire season over everyone’s shit so he gets a pass. You get turnt-up if you want to, Lafayette. Fuck Bon Temps.
Bill and Sam make sure every human is buddied up with a Hep-V negative vamp for safety and Lafayette is paired with Jessica’s new boy toy, James (recast from last season). Before letting James feed off him, the two trade campfire stories while bonding over bong hits and Lafayette confesses that this is the second time Tara has died (maybe there’s hope after all) and that what he feels isn’t grief like he did the first time, he feels relieved. Lafayette is tired, y’all.
James then tells Lafayette a tale about the time he’d been beaten nearly to death by the father of his best friend after the friend had been killed in Vietnam, but eluded to the fact that it had been because he and the friend had been lovers. Now, as much as I want nothing but good things for Jessica, I think we all know how this is going to end and I’m all for Lafayette getting another love interest.
ONCE A DANGER WHORE, ALWAYS A DANGER WHORE
Sookie’s cool party trick mind reading abilities are in full effect after the Hep-V ambush and she hears everyone blaming her for all of Bon Temps’ vamp problems, including her boo, Alcide. Sookie and Alcide argue in the kitchen and she storms off to walk home… outside… by herself… at some ungodly hour of the night… with rouge vamps on the loose… with vamp magnet Faerie blood flowing through her veins… like a danger whore.
Alcide tries calling her to remind her ass that Hep-V vamps are on the loose and she should not be going anywhere alone. This is to no avail because Sookie decides to chuck her cell into the woods so she’ll have absolutely no way to call anyone for help should she find herself in a precarious situation or let anyone know she’s tripping over dead girls in the woods in the middle of the goddamn night. Luckily for Sook, it wasn’t her time to go and she makes it home just in time for a quick resolution with Alcide and some make-up sex.
By episodes end, we see Sookie and Alcide head over to the church for her to address the haters in some hippie speech where she reminds them that all they need is love, and oh, while they’re busy blaming her for Bon Temps problems (it’s totally all her fault) they should take a little time to remember that nobody knows vamps like she knows vamps and they’d do well to shut the fuck up.
BLUE BALLS AND QUESTIONABLE SEX
Jason and Violet run into wannabe-mayor and future-snitch Vince and his clueless crew who are looking to rise up and handle this Hep-V vamp fakery themselves. Violet doesn’t take too kindly to the group emasculating her man, because she’s the only one allowed to do that, and hurls her own insults about the faux-mayor’s dick and scares them off. Jason loses his shit at her stepping over his authority and the frustration of her being a dick tease since season 6. Violet must’ve been waiting for Jason to grow a pair because her clothes come off and she’s bent over the hood of his cop car in a record breaking 1.2 milliseconds.
The moral of the story here, kids: A woman will get turned on and have sex with you if you push her around a little and demand to fuck her.
Insert side-eye here __________.
COME ON IN
Jessica continues her self-imposed duty of protecting Adilyn when an extremely creepy Hep-V vamp shows up to get him a taste of Adilyn’s sweet blood. The stand off with the salivating vamp continues well into the night and, after some bonding over some girl talk, Jessica convinces Adilyn to trust her and that she has to drink from her so she’ll always be able to feel her and protect her. Adilyn does so, reluctantly.
As dawn starts to break, Adilyn sees creepy-vamp start to smoke and realizes Jessica is also in danger. She decides to break the rules in order to save Jessica and invites her in. Jessica runs into the attic as she tries to control the urge not to feed on Adilyn and creepy-vamp bursts into flames as the sun rises.
Andy is gonna be pissed, man.
DUDLEY DO-RIGHT NO MORE
As Bill and Andy search the slaughterhouse, they discover dead humans hanging upside down on meat hooks and declare it the nesting spot they had been searching for. Tiny-dick Vince and his crew run up on Bill and Andy and because they hate vampires so much, they decide to cap Bill right there. Andy tells them that he has his own bone to pick with Bill and asks to kill Bill himself. Andy grabs the gun and basically turns into Bruce Willis or someone with a huge set of balls because he points the gun at the vigilantes and tells them to get the fuck out before he starts clippin’ them off one by one because he’s killed motherfuckers before and he’ll do it again. After they leave, he reminds Bill that they really do have some unhappy history together and he would dearly love to kill him, but he still needs his help to find Holly and Arlene. Holly, Nicole and Arlene are chained up in Fangtasia’s basement trying not to get eaten by vamps. Someone hurry up and save Arlene. That bitch is about to have a nervous breakdown.
“THE LADY, GO FUCK YOURSELF”
I think its pretty safe to say that Pam is the best character on this show. The snark when she delivers her epic lines is just all of everything and last night she reminded as all that she is a fucking badass. We meet up with her in Marakesh, Morocco winning a weird ass Russian Roulette game with another vampire after coolly enduring his speech about how death doesn’t matter. Seriously, when she said, “Tell you what. Your god and my god can go to a motel and have a circle jerk for all I care. I’ll be in Hell having a three way with the devil,” I was like, “I will never be that fucking cool. Ever.”
After her win, Pam gets her first lead to Eric’s possible location from a man who offered up his daughter for her to feed on. Pam declines, because she’s amazing, and starts out on her quest to find her maker.
Did you read what I wrote?
ERIC NORTHMAN IS TOTALLY PROBABLY ALIVE.
Maybe this show doesn’t hate us after all.