Previously on True Blood, ‘Love Is To Die’
True Blood ended its 7 season run last night with an episode titled, “Thank You.” I think they really should’ve named this episode, “Fuck You,” because that is exactly what it felt like the writers were saying to us. This may be the worst finale of any show that has ever aired in the history of television. Am I allowed to say shit like that? Too bad; just did. Let’s waste some time talking about it, shall we?
We open where we left off last week: Bill arrives at Sookie’s to explain why he really wants to meet the true death and says some dumb shit like “all roads have led to this path.” Sookie wonders why he doesn’t just take the much easier and less death-like route of simply breaking up with her. Bill replies, “Because I can’t. Because I love you too much.” We all have a brain aneurysm from rolling our eyes so fucking hard and then Bill then asks if Sookie will kill him – what fae call “the ultimate kindness.” Sookie thinks he’s lost his mind but semi-sorta agrees, because ultimately, Sookie only thinks about herself.
Later, Bill spends some time at home reflecting on life when Hoyt and Jessica arrive. Jessica still isn’t too keen on this whole suicide mission thing, but lets him know she’ll be fine after he dies. And then the first awful thing during this finale happens: Hoyt and Jessica decide to get married one day and thanks to the strange phenomenon known as “True Blood’s Writing Staff,” that decide that day is going to be TODAY. Because of course it is. Fuck the fact that they’ve just kind of met again for the first time.
Word about the impromptu wedding travels fast and in 3 minutes time, Jess and Hoyt are dressed for their big day in front of their closest friends and family in the middle of Bill’s living room. Bill gets to give his “daughter” away for the ceremony, which goes off without a hitch. Jason is Hoyt’s best man and Andy officiates. Before the ceremony, Bill informs Andy that, as his closest living relative, he’ll be inheriting Compton Manor and requested that he rent the home to Jess and Hoyt for, “$1 a month.” Andy obliges with a, “Copy that, Vampire Bill.”
Sookie, who’s seated next to Bill, is a sniveling mess, staring at Jess and Hoyt, presumably to convince us that she’s thinking of her own happiness, the one she’ll never have with Mr. Bill Compton. After previously telling Sookie that he feels like his Hep-V is making him feel more human-like, we learn just what he means when Sookie is able to read his thoughts at the wedding. He reminds her that she should, indeed, have the same happiness that Jessica is experiencing right in front of them and that he loves her.
Eric has had enough of Mr. Gus Jr. and this Yakuza bullshit. He and Pam set Sarah Newlin free, after giving her Pam’s blood to use as a “Numi LoJack,” murder the entire band of corporate ninjas, and steal the New Blood. He tracks down the car of Yakuza members that were sent to kill Sookie and kills them too. Eric drives off in their car, jamming the fuck out to some tunes, with a backseat full of dead ninjas and Pam sets off to find Sarah. Finding her cowering in a merry-go-round (super appropriate), Sarah tried to convince Pam to turn her, even offering to become her lesbian lover. Pam declines by telling Sarah, “I wouldn’t let you go down on me for a billion dollars,” and instead fed on her to inoculate herself against Hep-V.
One year later, Eric, who is even more beautiful, is the president and CEO of the New Blood company. At the end of the episode we see that he and Pam are shooting a commercial for their new product. (Fun fact: in this scene is real life author of The Sookie Stackhouse Novels, Charlaine Harris, who makes a cameo as one of the crew members shooting the commercial.) Pam and Eric are also collecting on the backside of this whole New Blood thing by keeping Sarah chained up in the basement of Fantasia and letting wealthy vamps feed on her for $100,000 a minute.
DR. SOOKIE KEVORKIAN
Mopey Sookie has flashbacks to growing up with Gran and Tara. Gran told her she didn’t need to put limits on herself in terms of the type of life she has, namely husband and kids. After the wedding, Sookie goes to Reverend Daniels for advice. She tells him she’s a faerie, like it’s just now something important, and he’s all “whatever, bitch”(not his actually words…but you know he was thinking it), and then leaves to go put on a LBD to kill the man she loves.
She goes to meet Bill in the graveyard at sundown, to find he’s dug himself a rather large plot. They kiss intensely to say goodbye. She conjures her ball of light, and swirls it in her hand a few times before deciding she can’t do it that way for Bill. He doesn’t realize it means losing her faerie side. He says he still wants to die, so she snaps off part of a shovel and brings it down into the grave to stake him. She straddles him, and with both their hands on the stake, stabs it into his chest. Sookie sobs, covered in Bill’s bloody vampire remains, and crawls back out of the grave. Swoon.
HAPPY THANKSGIV… WHO THE FUCK IS THAT MYSTERIOUS BEARDED GUY?!
Flash forward 3 years to Thanksgiving dinner at Sookie’s house. Our favorite remaining characters are all there and coupled up: Jessica and Hoyt, Sam and Nicole, Arlene and Keith, Lafayette and James, Rev. Daniels and Lettie Mae, Andy and Holly, Adilyn and Wade (They let that continue?! That’s just fucking weird, man.) and Jason and Hoyt’s-Other-Leftover. Everyone must’ve spent the entire last 3 years procreating because there are pint-sized people EVERYWHERE. Jason and Bridget have 3 children, Sam and Nicole with 2 and Sookie with one on the way. Who knocked her up, you ask? Well, we really couldn’t tell you because THEY NEVER LET US SEE HIS FUCKING FACE. All we know is that he’s human (vamps can’t make babies), has a great beard, knows how to fry a turkey, and isn’t sterile. The camera pulls back as Led Zepplin’s “Thank You” plays in the background and then it fades to black.
For what it’s worth, I still love the show, but I’m glad it’s over.