Previously on True Blood, ‘Jesus Gonna Be Here’
This episode started out with quite a bang. And yes, that’s a raging euphemism.
True Blood has long been known for the sexual ambiguity of its characters. If you’re a for real deal “Truebie,” it’s part of the reason you love this vampire shit show. According to True Blood, EVERYONE is a little bisexual at some point or another. Which is just fine by me because, and let’s have a little moment of honesty here, this entire cast is very easy on the eyes. For that reason alone, I don’t mind anyone making out with anyone, regardless of where it takes the storyline. Don’t judge me. Tonight’s opening scene fit right into those superficial standards I’ve placed upon things I like to see on television.
We open with a candle-lit dream sequence, complete with an Instagram filtered haze, and a chest-baring, Eric “I-stare-out-of-windows-for-no-reason-other-than-because-I’m-mysterious-and-sexy” Northman. We resist doing cartwheels and organizing a parade in his honor because 1) We know this is just a dream and 2) We know True Blood writers like to shit on our feelings.
Eric senses someone behind him and says, “You found me.” The camera pans out and we see Jason Stackhouse who replies, “You didn’t make it easy.” Eric tells him he knows and that he just needed some space. Jason retorts, “How’s that working out for you?” After more banter, Jason confesses to Eric that he’s crazy about Violet but can’t stop thinking about him. Eric fixes Jason a martini that he chugs like a frat-boy playing beer pong, and then the two engage in some uber physical/BDSM vampire foreplay before participating in one of the most intimate sex-scenes I’ve seen on TV, maybe ever. Seriously. I rode the fence between thinking I was watching the beginning of a porno and being embarrassed for watching a real life couple in their bedroom. I was frozen. Luckily, right before things got weird for all of us, Jason startles himself and the dream sequence comes to an end he wakes up in a church pew. Guess I spoke too soon about things getting weird, huh?
Outside of the church, Sam is giving the citizens of Bon Temps a mini-pep talk and tells them to clean up and be of service. He also reminds them that they’re probably still fucked so they shouldn’t leave their house after dark and/or without their vampire BFF. I’m not sure why, at this point, the good people of Bon Temps haven’t caught on to the fact that NIGHTTIME=SUPER DUPER DEAD for them, but whatevs. It’s none of my business.
Sookie tells Jason, Andy, and Alcide about the dead girl she tripped over during her moonlit dangerwhore stroll through the woods in last week’s premiere episode. Sookie comes to the ultra-convenient conclusion that because she didn’t know the dead girl or any of the Hep-V vamps that they must be from another town and leads the crew to the body. Thankfully, dead girl had her wallet on her and they discover her name is Mary Beth Grant from neighboring town St. Alice, and she’s an avid Starbucks drinker. The gang decides this would be a perfect time for a road trip and
after a quick trip to Starbucks to cash in dead girls reward points, they head on over to St. Alice to try to get some answers.
Sookie and Co. arrive in St. Alice only to find the town completely abandoned, boarded up and, in an eerie nod to Hurricane Katrina, unaided by FEMA. Sookie discovers a mass grave containing the bodies of the leftover townsfolk and the group visits the home of the dead girl, where Jason uses his super sophisticated forensic skills to determine, through chomping on a slice of pizza that was just lying around, that the family was definitely taken and eaten by Hep-V vamps two-and-a-half days ago. Remember last week’s recap where I jokingly referred to this crew as “Scoob and the Gang?” Yeah, well in that game, Jason is definitely Scooby. Am I right or amiright?
Scooby enjoys his Scooby snack Jason continues to eat evidence, Sookie and Alcide make their way to Mary Beth’s room and discover her diary. Sookie gets her nosy bitch on and reads it aloud to Alcide and learns that she too had fallen in love with a vampire, just before the infected attacked the town. Sookie has a total fangirl moment reminiscing on her own past with Bill, while the others lament the downright shitty fate of the people of St. Alice.
On the way home, Alcide gives Sookie an out, offering to just drive away from Bon Temps with her and leave all the madness behind them. Dangerwhore Sookie isn’t having any of that. When they get home she quickly makes out with Alcide, and as he showers she sneaks off to Bill’s house on yet another midnight stroll through the fucking cemetery. (Smh. This bitch.) When Bill opens the door she asks him if he would still be able to feel her if she got herself involved in some bullshit. We don’t see Bill’s answer, but we do see him check to see if she brought her guard dog Alcide. We all know where this is going. Poor Alcide.
PSAs For Everybody
Lettie Mae visits Lafayette and tells him that just before she died, she and Tara made good, and tries to get him to help her summon Tara. Lafayette is not a huge fan of any higher power or any goddamn thing right now and tells her to kick rocks. She thinks that Tara is stuck between heaven and earth, and Lafayette is like “yeah, those aren’t visions; it’s that V-blood you’re addicted to.” She calls him selfish, he replies by calling her “a drug addict, you triflin’ bitch, through and through,” and she storms out. Basically, it’s like any other Thorton family reunion. I told y’all Lafayette was tired of everyone’s shit, and I meant it.
Lettie Mae is later seen doing what everyone does during times like these: cooking bacon in a cast iron skillet. Mmmmm… bacon. She accidentally burns her wrist and while running her wrist under the sink she gets the most bitchin’ idea ever to stick her entire fucking hand in hot bacon grease so that she can go down to the basement and trick Willa into healing her while simultaneously feeding her addiction and allowing her to see Tara. It works… sorta. She sees Tara covered in snakes and hung from a cross but Tara is speaking in tongues and a crying Lettie Mae shouts that she just wants her to answer her questions. I admire your commitment, Lettie Mae. You’re a crazy bitch, but you are definitely committed. Don’t do drugs, kids.
After Sam’s impromptu town hall meeting, Adilyn convinces Andy to let her stay with Rocky and Wade to help with the town clean-up. Andy wants her to go home at first but Adilyn insists, most likely because she scared shitless of going home to Jessica. Andy reluctantly agrees and warns Adilyn to have her ass home an hour before dark and reminds her that under no circumstances is she to invite Jessica in. We all know he’s a little too late for that because she already did that shit in last week’s episode. Sorry, dad.
The townspeople are cleaning up Bellefleur’s bar like Sam told them to when Tiny-dick Vince and his vigilante crew show up to shit on everyone’s day. He snitches on Sam for being a shapshifter and convinces the townspeople that he can’t be trusted. After literally 60 seconds of Tiny-dick’s rantings, every single one of those assholes switch sides and start turning restaurant equipment and furniture into makeshift weapons. Adilyn taps into the thoughts of the Bon Temps traitors and hears one of the women thinking about raiding the gun supply at the police station and she and Wade high-tail it there to warn Kenya. Kenya proves to be just like everybody else on this fucking show that is incapable of being loyal or thinking for themselves. She flips from helping Adilyn protect the guns and doing her motherfucking job to teaming up with the vigilantes and turning on Adilyn and her boss, Andy, faster than pancakes on a griddle in a Bon Temps diner. She locks up Adilyn and Wade then the hillbilly poster children for an NRA campaign have a fucking field day in the police station with loaded weapons. This scene, right here, is exactly why we need tougher background checks.
When Adilyn blasts her weird faerie orb at Kenya and the townsfolk draw their stolen weapons on her, it triggers Jessica’s alarm. Unfortunately, it does no good beause it’s daylight and vamps and daylight don’t mix. As if shit couldn’t get any worse, she can’t get in touch with either Adilyn or Sookie. Andy comes back home to find Jessica and no Adilyn. Andy accuses Jessica of killing her and Jessica tells him to have a fucking seat because she’s about over all his tough-guy-with-an-axe-to-grind routine. Jessica tells him Adilyn is in danger and pleads with him to help her search for her once the sun sets.
There’s drama over at the Hep-Vamps’ camp because one of them ate one of the humans without permission. With only a handful of humans left, they decide they need to go out hunting again. Betty, a former teacher of Arlene’s and Holly’s children is designated by the Hep-V vamps as the person who selects which of the prisoner humans they’ll eat next.
When she goes downstairs to pick that day’s meal, Arlene tells Holly that she recognizes Betty. They grab her attention and Arlene turns on her southern charm and offers an impassioned speech about having the opportunity to free a couple of good people in her final days. Betty promises to “figure something out.” Her plan is to become the sleep monitor – to be the person assigned to watching over the H-Vamps while they try and rest. After receiving approval for this position, Betty goes downstairs to help get the ladies out. But first she needs to leave some bite marks on Arlene’s leg so they have a way of covering this up if the other H-Vamps find out. Arlene agrees, but the plan goes to shit when Betty unexplainably turns into bloody vamp goop in-between Arlene’s legs. So much for that idea.
Resident badass, Pam ends her search for her maker in France. She walks into a room where she finds Eric doing, what she thinks is, fang tease Eric just being fang tease Eric when 2 hookers (maybe?) are exiting the room rather quickly only to find that really her maker is weak from refusing to drink blood and he has Hep-V. Mother. Fucker. I knew the writers hated us.
-Why the fuck has no one in this town checked Fangtasia yet? I mean, it’s a goddamn vamp hangout. Hello?! Jesus Christ.
-Why hasn’t anyone killed Tiny-dick Vince?
-Why is it only 2011?
-Where the fuck is the Starbucks in this hicktown?
-How is Eric still alive if he isn’t feeding on humans?