Previously on True Blood, ‘I Found You’
Last night’s episode answered so many questions. Albeit, they were answered in True Blood’s typical way-too-convenient manner. Then, to add insult to injury, they kill off another well-liked major character by giving him a zero-closure death. These writers have no soul, man.
Sara Newlin is back, bitches. Which we all knew was going to happen because Jason “Scooby” Stackhouse let her ass live last season. She did take his advice though and got as far away as possible from that vampire mess she made in Bon Temps and hightailed it to L.A. (perfect!) to become a brunette and slutty yoga groupie. Sara has a real hard-on for men who devote their lives to a higher power because she’s banging this Indian Guru and reflecting on her past (a whole 5 months ago) as a “clueless Christian girl.” The post-sex zen is quickly ended when a group of corporate ninjas, known as the Yakinomo, come in searching for Sara while she’s picking out a nice red from the bedroom adjacent wine cellar. The Guru refuses to give up the whereabouts of newly nicknamed, Numi, and earns a swift ninja beheading.
TINY-DICK’S BON TEMPS MOB
Newly elected tiny-dick pseudo-mayor, Vince, and his entire town population of 12 decide to confront ousted mayor, Sam and his talkative vamp bodyguard, Matt. Sam tries to talk reasonably to the heavily armed crew but the townsfolk have decided that for at least the next 45 minutes, they’re on “Team Tiny-dick” and bust a cap in Matt’s ass, turning him into vampire goo before setting their sights on Sam, telling him to get lost for good. Sam lets them know he’s not going a goddamn place before pulling a shapeshifting fast-one on the angry mob by fleeing the scene as an owl.
Andy and Jessica free Adilyn and Wade from their holding cell and Adilyn warns that the mob is hunting “anyone and anything that’s different from they are.” This, from the vigillates homophobic ranting, now includes the gays. Someone fucking save Lafayette.
“Modern man” Jason suggests to Violet that they start a family together in light of all this tragedy. Violet goes on some rant about how she wants an emotionless alpa-male with an “iron-forged cock” and in the midst of Jason defending his balls, is interrupted by Andy, Jessica, Adilyn and Wade showing up on their doorstep. Violet reminds Jessica that she hates her and then the four adults team up to search for Sookie, but put that shit on pause for a run-in with Vince and company. Hoyt’s mom Maxine lectures Jessica for breaking her son’s heart. Maxine shoots Jessica out of anger, which leads Violet to rip mama’s heart out and the remaining 11 vigilantes scatter. Jessica suddenly has a hard time healing but they continue the search for Sookie after Violet scoops up Wade’s brother, Rocky. We decide right here that we now semi-like Violet and note that Tiny-dick is down to 10 followers.
Meanwhile, the Hep-v vamps decide that they’re going to need to hunt again if they’re going to try to survive, and take Holly along as a snack. Reverend Daniels has an unimportant conversation with Willa about his love for Lettie Mae while he feeds her, before rescinding her invitation in their home because he just can’t have Willa tempting his junkie wife with her vampire blood and we still don’t know why Willa has made it to episode 3 and Tara is dead. Lafayette continues to numb his pain with a narcotic cocktail and the company of Jessica’s boyfriend, James. James and Lafayette have some flirtatious moments and as I said in my first recap, we all know where this is going but right now it’s just boring as fuck.
KNICK-KNACK PATTY-WHACK, GIVE A DOG A BULLET
Poor Alcide. All that man-dog wanted was for his dangerwhore girlfriend to fix him a goddamn steak for dinner. That proved to be too much to ask for though because when he tried to make his post-shower request his dangerwhore girl was nowhere to be found and Alcide, followed his nose and tracked her scent right to Bill’s front door.
Cut to Bill and Sookie on their drive to the middle of fucking nowhere and Sookie asks one of the questions that has left the internet perplexed for a goddamn week: “How come you can’t feel me anymore?” Bill explains that he was drained at the vamp camp last season and the vampire he is now is not the same vamp he once used to be. Sookie calls him on his bullshit and lets him know how unfair it is that he gets a clean slate after he did all those craptastic things to her and everyone else. Bill, normally so noble, says he would have to live with what he did forever. They come up with some plan to have Sookie put all her dangerwhore-ness to good use and have her sit as vamp bait in the middle of the goddamn woods. However, Bill reminds her that if their plan was going to work, Sookie was going to have to drink Bill’s blood. As she was sucking on Bill’s wrist, Sookie reminds him, “I have a boyfriend.” Because we all know how much that fucking matters.
As Bill watches over sitting-duck Sookie from his perch in the tree above, he asks her if she loves Alcide. After some dancing around the issue, Sookie confesses that she really loves Alcide, but “I’m afraid that I don’t love him as much as he loves me.” Things aren’t moving along fast enough for ol’dangerwhore and she slices her arm open to lure the hep-v vamps in, which wakes Bill from his pointless flashback about his family and pre-war photo session. There’s also talk about Sookie feeling like she’s fulfilling her purpose and how “the last thing I need is anyone else dying because of me.” We find out that what she really meant to say was: “anyone else… except Alcide,” because that’s exactly what happened next.
Holly stumbles into frame and then the Hep-v vamps find a shitload of energy to subdue Bill and grab Sookie. Alcide and Sam in their wolf bodies show up to save the day and no sooner than Alcide turns back into his naked-human form and rubs it in Bill’s face that only he can protect a dangerwhore like Sookie, it happens. Alcide is shot by the one motherfucker in Tiny-dick’s mob that actually knows how to use a gun. They do Alcide just as dirty as they did Tara and offer us zero closure for a major character’s death. They just let selfish ass Sookie decide his fate. She could’ve let one of those vamps save him but she didn’t and he just dies right there, naked and beautiful with not so much as an on-screen final breath. I can’t.
WHO THE FUCK IS SYLVIE?!
Ok. First off, why the fuck is True Blood introducing new characters in this Eric/Pam storyline? I mean, isn’t this shit complicated enough? I do not like how they are fucking with Pam’s feelings, at all.
Pam is pissed that Eric has let her play “Where’s Waldo?” all over the globe, especially in places like St. Petersburg because he knows she hates the Russians. We learn Eric has had Hep-v for at least a month and contracted it somehow in St. Petersburg. Eric tells Pam that he’s over this vampire life and speaks of Godric, Nora, the Authority, and his never-before-mentioned lost love, Sylvie and Pam tells an unphased Eric that she felt Tara meet her “true death” last night. Bout time they addressed that.
In a series of 1986 flashbacks to Eric’s time with Sylvie and feathered Hall & Oates hair, we learn they were super in love and enjoyed fucking in the middle of her father’s vineyard, tremendously. So much so that it earned them a mid-sex visit from Nan of the Authority, who issued a stern warning for him to stop “biting, fucking and sucking in the moonlight,” because there is a partnership with the Yakinomo corporation of ninjas involving a synthetic “true blood” that stood to make The Authority a fortune, but only if vampires fell in line and ceased feeding on humans in plain sight. Pam complies but a more resistant Eric tells Nan to go fuck herself. This proves costly because the Yakinomo ninjas later interrupt Pam going down on another woman and Eric’s second moonlit tryst with Sylvie in the vineyard and forces Eric to choose between the two because one of them has to die. Eric chooses Pam, because duh, and Sylvie gets skewered with a sword before falling to the ground.
Just before Pam is about to leave Eric to his pity party/suicide mission, she has one final trick up her sleeve and reveals to Eric that Sarah Newlin is alive and well, which gives Eric a revenge-fueled reason to live.
I can’t wait till Eric starts fucking shit up.