Previously on True Blood, ‘Karma’
This week’s episode takes us all on an acid trip down Memory Lane. There were appearances from some of our favorite characters from past seasons of this glorious shitshow and, per True Blood fashion, a fuck-ton of things that didn’t make any sense. Let’s try and sort this mess out, shall we?
DANGERWHORE IN A WHITE DRESS
Vampire Bill’s Hep-V is still spreading at an uber rapid rate. Jessica is super sad about her maker’s impending death and just wants to be close to him so Sookie tells her to climb in bed next to him so they can both get some much needed rest. Sookie tells Jessica that she isn’t going to accept that there is nothing they can do for Bill but seems to be all out of ideas when Jessica asks if she has a plan in mind.
Bill keeps having seemingly pointless flashbacks to 1855, this time it’s to a time when his father informed him that he’d be marrying Caroline. I don’t know about you people, but I’m really hoping they go somewhere good with these flashbacks because I’m starting to really hate them.
Sookie calls on the snarky, hummer-driving, dwarf doctor we first met back in Season 2, Dr. Ludwig. Dr. Ludwig examines Bill and says he’s done the impossible: He’s thoroughly grossed her out with his quick spreading Hep-V. At first, Dr. Ludwig doesn’t seem to think Sookie’s blood is necessarily to blame for the acceleration of Bill’s disease and tells them she’s treated a vamp infected by someone who is 100 percent fae, and their Hep-V didn’t advance as quickly as Bill’s. But when she hears that Sookie’s of Niall’s royal line, Ludwig, who “fears nothing and no one,” heads for the hills. Welp, so much for that idea.
Sookie’s “Plan B” went equally as well when she tries to summon her Grandpa Niall. After a whole 35 seconds, she gives up and stomps back to her house only to find he’s waiting for her to cook him spaghetti. He reveals he’s always been watching her, but didn’t intervene when he saw Bill getting ready to drink her infected blood because he doesn’t like Bill for her. And it turns out, he’s not there to help Bill now, either. There are some things magic can’t fix, and Bill’s one of them. Niall channels “nature’s memory” and shows Sookie another pointless flashback (I mean, what the fuck?!) of Bill’s wife giving birth. Death, he says, is a miracle—just like life, love, and forgiveness…especially if you can forgive yourself.
Sookie, fresh out of ideas to save Bill, does the only thing a dangerwhore could possibly do at a time like this: Throw on a short white dress, run barefoot to your dying vampire ex’s mansion, and fuck him on the floor like you did when you met him.
The moral of this story, kids: Orgasms can solve ALL of your problems.
INCEST, BDSM AND SEX DUNGEONS, OH MY!
Andy and Holly spent the episode aimlessly searching for Adilyn and Wade, randomly ending up at Holly’s ex’s lake house. There, Andy cries over a serene lake and Holly assures him that everything will be okay. Which we all know isn’t going to happen. These people are fucked.
Violet is clearly enjoying fucking with kidnapped horny idiots, Adilyn and Wade. After showing them around her well-stocked sex dungeon/museum and telling them that she used to fuck her brother “all the time” (We’ll file that under: Things That Don’t Surprise Me), Violet leaves them to get it on with full use of her toybox. (Hold up. If you are regularly fucking Jason Stackhouse and you have access to a tricked-out bone palace….as a viewer, I feel deprived of seeing Jason getting fucked with a strap on.) After Adilyn and Wade realized that neither one of them was interested in Violet’s kinky shit, they went on to have really fucking gross step-sibling intercourse. This gets Violets sex-senses all tingly and she wakes up from her nap and walks in on the post-sex couple and throws Wade around like a ragdoll before turning her attention and fangs on Adilyn. This wakes Jessica, who vampire runs out of bed, presumably on her way to try to save the day. This is not ending well, Truebies.
THE HUNT FOR NEW-ME
Eric and Pam try to learn from Amber where Sarah went. When she refuses to say, Eric loses his shit and kills her. Later, Mr. Gus Junior proposes that they find Sarah Newlin and synthesize her blood to create a new product called “Nu Blood”, an OTC cure for the Hep-V infection. Gus wants Eric and Pam to be Nu Blood’s spokespeople so the public can trust Yakamoto again and Eric’s face deserves to always be on TV.
Sarah “Numi” Newlin runs and hides at her former stomping grounds, the Light of Day Institute and starts having a bunch of hallucinations, but no number of visions of previous lovers like Jason, Governor Burrell’s decapitated head, and her former husband Steven Newlin, who is still fabulous in every way, can save her from Eric and Gus, who close in on her at the very end of the episode.
SHIT ALWAYS STARTS AT BELLEFLEUR’S BAR
Hoyt is back in town to handle his momma’s affairs and he’s brought his hot, microbiologist girlfriend for Jason to drool over. Seriously. It’s like he never learns his lesson. He just thinks with his dick and poor Hoyt is about to get the short end of the stick, again.
Arlene has a scene in her eternally empty bar where she and Keith, the vampire who saved her life by sharing his blood with her after she’d been drained by the infected vamps, seduces her, and they fuck on the pool table. Only, they really didn’t because it was just a dream. Then, after her shitty speech to Sam about not going with Nicole and his baby over a bottle of cheap liquor, Keith strolls in and asks her to dance with him. She tells him that she’s Hep-V positive, so they can’t have sex, and he replies, “Then let’s just dance.” It’s all very sweet and I’m kind of digging this duo.
I don’t know where the fuck this show is going and I’m done trying to figure it out. I’m just going to sit back and stay “True to the End.” Till next week, Truebies!